Thursday, June 17, 2010

Attention

Several of us were sitting at the table by the far wall of the restaurant. The place was jam-packed and apparently that was normal for a Saturday evening. I was enjoying the company at my table: old and new friends from high school and my man, sitting across from me because, as he told our friend, "I like to look into her eyes."

One end of our table was flanked by the band - a blues band who threw in some Tom Petty and Beatles music for good measure. The other end of our table, closest to me, was another party of three: two twenty-ish girls and a gay guy.

When the song was right, my group would burst into animated mouthing of the words and sing to each other over our margaritas. Soon, I discovered I was being serenaded by the two twenty-ish girls.

Gentleman Jack smiled, not surprised. "See. You don't even have to try and people want you."

***

I left for a few minutes for a restroom break. Upon return to our table, I was grabbed by the arm by one of the young women at the next table.

"What's your name? Please come dance with us. And maybe you could come back to our apartment complex and swim in our pool?!"

I introduced myself and declined the invitation to swim. Although a spin on the dance floor always sounds fun...

Taking my place across from my man, I could see that he was deep in a consuming conversation with our mutual friend. I looked to her and inquired with my eyes the subject of this intense discussion.

She smiled sweetly. "It's YOU, T. You're his favorite subject!"

***

Another time during the weekend, Gentleman Jack and I were in our own intense discussion after a miscommunication.

He was upset after I'd misjudged something that he'd said about an hour earlier. I was distraught. I was sad that the weekend had been wonderful up to that point. I was irritated that my mind overthinks and reacts to things based purely on past triggers and fears.

He talks loudly when he is upset. I don't like this.

As I was trying to explain, again, what my perception was, he interrupted me.

I stammered out the words, "Please let me finish what I was saying...."

He stopped, looked at me and smiled.

"Yes ma'am! I LOVE that. Own that baby! OWN IT!"

I was confused.

"T! You just stopped me from interrupting you. You get so timid when we're dealing with issues and now, look at you. You just told me that you had something important to say. And you know what? I'm listening. And do you know why? Because baby, I LOVE YOU and I respect what you have to say!"

I burst into tears and fell into his arms. I don't recall anyone ever saying that to me before.

***

I felt ignored and overlooked most of my childhood. I felt ignored in my marriage. I have spent my teen and adult life trying to get attention.

I have ingrained attention-seeking tactics into my personality, after years of practice. However, in the year that Gentleman Jack has been in my life, I have noticed that I've pulled back on much of that behavior.

Now I just glow when my man is near me.

The glow still attracts attention but I find that I no longer seek it like I used to. That attention doesn't even begin to match the attention of my man.

I never knew... never in my wildest dreams... that someone could look at me, love me, notice me, make me want to shine more, listen to me, brag about me, take loads of photos of me, make me his favorite subject...

I never knew that could be found in one person and that I would fall in love with him.

I feel like the luckiest girl in the world.

21 comments:

  1. On one hand, I'm completely happy for you, and on the other I'm completely jealous (and a little annoyed).

    It's not easy for the singletons who are still lonely to read about others who were lucky enough to find love. Just being honest.

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  2. I get it. No need to explain. I've been through my own jealous times before... I think it is a perfectly natural reaction. And one that reminds us that we are more than ready to love again. Thank you for your honesty. Wishing you all the love your heart can handle!

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  3. As always, if someones thoughts and happiness annoys you, then don't read the blog. I personally love hearing about another persons happiness. Reminds me that it is out there, just needs to be found and treasured. There is a Rascal out there for you too!

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  4. Agreed. And yes, this post is extremely self-indulgent. But its also self-deprecating. Honestly, I am humbled by how this man treats me. I do sincerely wish that everyone could be treated with such kindness and love. I do hope that these types of posts do inspire hope in others.. in those currently single and in those that are taking their own relationships for granted.

    Love is meant to be treasured.

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  5. How can one not smile reading this - very happy for you.

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  6. It's a wonderful feeling, isn't it???

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  7. Ahhh, amore!

    I'm so happy for you. Love this.

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  8. Yeah, but I wanted to read about the girls and the pool...

    Glad you're loved and appreciated!

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  9. I for one know the feeling of being ignored in my childhood and perfecting the art of getting attention. (Mostly in the wrong ways). I LOVE that you have found someone that is breaking that trait in you and hope that someday I find the same. (And then allow it without fighting it too much).
    You soooo deserve this and anyone that feels any anger about that is plain crazy. Everyone deserves this kind of happiness. Expecially you T!
    I smile everytime I read this.

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  10. Love this - and re: the comment about being jealous/annoyed...it is a little natural for singles to feel that way (being single myself, yeah, I get that pang of - I WANT THAT - but at the same time, it gives me SUCH hope that "my" Rascal is out there, and damn, T, you deserve it. Love this post, excellent writing, as usual. Good mix of self-deprecating, as you say, and "indulgence" (tho I don't agree that it was!). XO.

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  11. It's a wonderful feeling when someone "gets" us, and wants us to be the best we can be, and calls us on our shit when we're not.

    That's a honest relationship, and that is LOVE.

    Happy you have it in your life; happy for anyone who has it in his/her life. I don't understand comments like the one from anonymous — why can't we be happy for others' happiness without having to have their happiness make us feel diminished? Because I tell you what, that kind of energy is not easily hidden from others, and very, very unattractive ...

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  12. I understand the first comment, but this post just made me smile, and gave me some hope that I'll meet someone like this, who's perfect for me, and I them (in the ways that matter).

    The part about him smiling and congratulating you, when you asked if he could let you finish, reminds me of someone in my life (well, not so much anymore). I remember so embarrassed after I not only spoke up, but blew up at him - especially since I barely knew him. He was so sweet to me, and I felt so grateful that he 'let' me be angry, if you know what I mean.

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  13. I am so happy for you and it does give hope...more then anything I love knowing that men and woman can respect eachother and actually talk to eachother and respect one another all the while loving each other....

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  14. oops. I meant to add above, that I guess it was because he realized that I meant no harm, I was just upset. (It won't let me delete the comment.)

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  15. Wow, what an awesome break through. I can relate 100% about past triggers, sometimes they overwhelm me and cause me to react in ways that no one else can understand. I think this is an awesome step forward and damn, you sound like you got yourself a good guy. I'm glad to know that these still exist!! :)

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  16. Well I cried most of the time reading this, the parts I understood anyway!!!

    I'm tickled you are tickled T!

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  17. You are lucky, indeed! We all deserve to feel that way

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  18. Isn't that the BEST feeling? BLT does this for me, and it's the first time in my life I feel like someone sees all of me and loves me completely.

    I'm very happy for you... now just don't overthink everything! LOL, let yourself enjoy it!!

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  19. That's so awesome! Glow on, girl.

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  20. T - I've had time to think and I want to let you know I'm sorry for my earlier comment.

    I think you are a lovely person, really. You are very relatable to my life, and it really is awesome that you have found an amazing love after experiencing your relationships with your ex and Solider.

    Thank you for being someone I can look up to. I really hope I come across my own Rascal at some point.

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  21. @Anon - thank you so much for commenting again. No need to apologize for how you felt at the time. We've ALL been there and never wanted to admit it then. Its not a fun feeling, jealousy, but you're not the first (nor will you be the last) to feel it.

    I appreciate your kind words. Now, realize that you're worthy of this "amazing love" and it will be yours.

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