Monday, June 28, 2010

Middle of the night confession

It's late and I feel stupid for even posting this but....I'm having trouble going to sleep because, well, I keep thinking about Soldier.

I don't know why he came to mind. Things are awesome with my Gentleman and me, in fact, more awesome than they've ever been. So why now? Why would my brain sit and think out an email to attempt to reconnect our old 20 + years friendship? And knowing him, he would more than likely not respond or worse, respond and attempt to rekindle something sexually...the very LAST thing I need. He is such a bad boy... and so irresistibly good...

Isn't it funny? I have the best guy ever and yet there is some stupid part of me that thinks, "oh but to be mistreated again..."

Stupid, stupid!

And no, I am not going to act on this because I realize the complete contradiction in desire here. I desire to be loved, adored, treated with kindness, love and respect. That is not only what I desire but OH MY GOODNESS what I have and what makes me smile and what keeps me sane....

I was never more out of my mind than I was in that relationship with Soldier.

I guess the other desire is to have some long awaited questions answered. Is he ok now? Did he really love me? Was I making the whole thing up? Does he feel bad AT ALL that things ended the way they did?

But its stupid. Stupid. And the fact that he inhabits part of my brain anymore irritates the crap out of me.

As Gentleman Jack says, "I'll be glad when there is enough distance in time between when you were with him and the present moment that he never comes to mind anymore."

Yeah baby, you and me both.

Thank you for allowing me my confession. I'll go flog myself now.


  1. You don't want him T, you just want closure. I think you are afraid of giving everything over to Rascal, because some part of you doesn't fully trust the rest of who you are now. Who you are now is a result of your experiences and Soldier was a part of those...a part that you haven't quite been able to figure out, yet completely.Don't flog yourself, darlin'. Ann LaMott, a favorite writer of mine, says sometimes you have to wait for some things to be born and the waiting is much like labor. What is labor? It's work. It's steady. It can stall. You can feel alternatelly powerful and sure of your body and your mind...anxious to see what your efforts will bring forth, desperate for it to be over or so fatigued by the process you are sure you haven't the strength. You do. Keep seeking and laboring and spend no energy on self recrimination. Peace.

  2. I think we tend to mourn what could have been, more than what we've actually lost.

    It sounds to me that you need some answers, and then you can let it all go. Maybe you'll get them someday, maybe you won't. But we both know you won't get them in the wee hours of the morning. So let your brain rest, and sit on it for awhile.

    What you have now with Rascal sounds so much healthier, and it's not worth jepardizing that relationship at this point, in my honest opinion.

    Peace is a precious thing, I hope you find it and get some rest soon.

  3. Don't worry, I myself also have such a person in my life where I want to get in contact with him because of the bad boy he is. Strange...

  4. Honey, I think that it's normal for us to think about things like that from time to time. It's so easy to fall into those old patterns and habits that, obviously, served some sort of need in us. So what need did Soldier fill? How can you get that need filled in a healthy, productive way?

    Love you, girl. xo

  5. I think this means you are closer than you think to really lettting go of that part of your past. :)

  6. I like what Beryl said. And I think this is normal when you don't have closure with someone that has been a part of more than half of your life.
    You know what you have with Rascal and you are healthy enough to have thoughts with out action. It is ok!

  7. i'm sorry you are having these thoughts, but i really appreciate your writing them here! knowing that these sorts of things still come up while you're in an awesome committed relationship makes me feel less idiotic about recurring thoughts of my "crazy love" relationship...e.g., "but we were so compatible on all levels", except for the fact that i wanted a relationship and he didn't. "he's such a sweet guy"..and, um, didn't he not return your calls and disappear and then blame you for "bringing drama and intensity to the relationship?" Reality bites, but it's real.

    i think that if you have an open heart and feel things deeply, anyone you've loved is with you in some small way the rest of your life. i don't think it's a bad thing unless it interferes with the here and now.

  8. p.s. i agree with's part of the ongoing purge. this kind of stuff always comes up when i'm's like dredging the depths of all past heartbreaks...i'm just sayin'. ;)

  9. It's the same reason people reconnect on Facebook decades after ... the old, "what if?"

    Nothing wrong in thinking about it, could be plenty wrong in acting on it.

    And, in what way are you thinking about Soldier — that may be a clue as to what's making you restless.

  10. I get this T - very much!

    I have these same thoughts and then I feel intensely guilty for feeling them :(

  11. OK... all I "heard" was blah, blah... blah, blah.... "now I'm going to go flog myself"... funny how the male mind works!
    Hope you had a good weekend T, always love checking in with you!

  12. I think it is human nature, to think about the past and wonder. I know I still do sometimes.

  13. I agree with the others. Wondering and wanting that closure is human nature. Though, I believe, it would cause MANY MORE headaches than it did before. :)

    Biggest love. . .

  14. Don't beat yourself up too much. I think it's a combination of lack of closure and your maternal instinct. You never were able to fix him and you lost a bit of you in the process.

    Let it go and move on. You know how incredible and rare what you have now is.


Thank you for leaving me some comment love!