It's late and I feel stupid for even posting this but....I'm having trouble going to sleep because, well, I keep thinking about Soldier.
I don't know why he came to mind. Things are awesome with my Gentleman and me, in fact, more awesome than they've ever been. So why now? Why would my brain sit and think out an email to attempt to reconnect our old 20 + years friendship? And knowing him, he would more than likely not respond or worse, respond and attempt to rekindle something sexually...the very LAST thing I need. He is such a bad boy... and so irresistibly good...
Isn't it funny? I have the best guy ever and yet there is some stupid part of me that thinks, "oh but to be mistreated again..."
And no, I am not going to act on this because I realize the complete contradiction in desire here. I desire to be loved, adored, treated with kindness, love and respect. That is not only what I desire but OH MY GOODNESS what I have and what makes me smile and what keeps me sane....
I was never more out of my mind than I was in that relationship with Soldier.
I guess the other desire is to have some long awaited questions answered. Is he ok now? Did he really love me? Was I making the whole thing up? Does he feel bad AT ALL that things ended the way they did?
But its stupid. Stupid. And the fact that he inhabits part of my brain anymore irritates the crap out of me.
As Gentleman Jack says, "I'll be glad when there is enough distance in time between when you were with him and the present moment that he never comes to mind anymore."
Yeah baby, you and me both.
Thank you for allowing me my confession. I'll go flog myself now.