This past weekend marked the one year anniversary of my meeting Gentleman Jack for the first time.
Well, strictly speaking, my first time meeting him since high school.
I'm completely crazy in love with the guy. Ask anyone in my life.
Yet, as I read over the blog posts I've written, and as I live in my brain, I know that I have doubts still.
I have fears.
I analyze the hell out of us, our different personalities, our different interests, our differences.
I freeze up. I've had moments where I wanted to end things with him.
But I haven't ended it.
Because the only reason I've thought to end it is that we live 200 miles apart from each other.
Is that a good reason?
I honestly think that my doubts have more to do with the distance between us than anything else. Long distance is ridiculous. It flat out sucks donkey dicks. I hate it sometimes.
I feel sad about the lack of resolution to this distance problem. He has a business that he's built for over 10 years in his hometown. He cannot move. If I don't move, we will continue going long distance. If it were only me, the thought of moving would be less complicated ...but with my children... their father... their friendships here... And quite frankly, I do love my city. I do not wish to leave.
When we're together, we're GREAT together. We make an awesome parenting team. We're wonderfully attentive partners to each other.
Those who knew beyond a doubt that Soldier was bad for me have noted to me, many times, the difference in me since Gentleman Jack has been in my life. I've been pulled aside or sent messages from those in Gentleman Jack's life saying the same about him. There are a number of his friends and family that have said to me, "You have no idea how happy you make him."
I've realized that I'm a better, more patient, more present mom to my children. I've realized that the enormous support system I built for myself as a single person, I no longer require. In fact, I feel overwhelmed by the fringes of acquaintances that I've attempted to maintain to fend off loneliness.
I just don't feel as lonely anymore.
I also still enjoy my independence. I was married for 13 years to a man who was gone a majority of the time. I am used to being in a relationship and still going to bed alone every night. Gentleman Jack is not. I can feel his struggles sometimes.
I struggle too. I've been in past relationships where trust was shattered, never to be regained. It is amazing that we're able to retain such a fleeting thing as trust. I wonder if it really is true that the looser you hold on to someone, the stronger the trust is built.
We communicate and listen to each other better than any relationship in my past.
Still, we're both afraid of losing that if we did see each other every day. Would we, eventually, stop talking? Lose connection? Take each other for granted?
"What you believe is being withheld from you, you are actually withholding."
I've read the above statement or similar statement in several places during my spiritual studies. I also notice that when I have doubts, when I live in fear, it causes a reaction in Gentleman Jack. He gets scared too. Then I, in turn, react to his fear and we spiral.
In order for me to feel his love, to feel his assuredness in this long distance relationship, I have to give that to him too. When I give love, I feel love. When I release my doubts, he does too.
And we rise up in love together!
Then we're able to enjoy this. Appreciate it. Continue it. Even if neither of us knows the 'how' or 'when' or 'what if'.
I also read somewhere that the most successful couple doesn't look to each other but rather looks forward together. I feel like we do that. I'd like to believe our future together could be anything we want it to be.
Bliss means so much more when it's shared.