Tuesday, June 1, 2010

Ups and Downs of an LDR

This past weekend marked the one year anniversary of my meeting Gentleman Jack for the first time.

Well, strictly speaking, my first time meeting him since high school.

I'm completely crazy in love with the guy. Ask anyone in my life.

Yet, as I read over the blog posts I've written, and as I live in my brain, I know that I have doubts still.

I worry.

I have fears.

I overthink.

I analyze the hell out of us, our different personalities, our different interests, our differences.

I freeze up. I've had moments where I wanted to end things with him.

But I haven't ended it.


Because the only reason I've thought to end it is that we live 200 miles apart from each other.

Is that a good reason?

I honestly think that my doubts have more to do with the distance between us than anything else. Long distance is ridiculous. It flat out sucks donkey dicks. I hate it sometimes.

I feel sad about the lack of resolution to this distance problem. He has a business that he's built for over 10 years in his hometown. He cannot move. If I don't move, we will continue going long distance. If it were only me, the thought of moving would be less complicated ...but with my children... their father... their friendships here... And quite frankly, I do love my city. I do not wish to leave.


When we're together, we're GREAT together. We make an awesome parenting team. We're wonderfully attentive partners to each other.

Those who knew beyond a doubt that Soldier was bad for me have noted to me, many times, the difference in me since Gentleman Jack has been in my life. I've been pulled aside or sent messages from those in Gentleman Jack's life saying the same about him. There are a number of his friends and family that have said to me, "You have no idea how happy you make him."

I've realized that I'm a better, more patient, more present mom to my children. I've realized that the enormous support system I built for myself as a single person, I no longer require. In fact, I feel overwhelmed by the fringes of acquaintances that I've attempted to maintain to fend off loneliness.

I just don't feel as lonely anymore.

I also still enjoy my independence. I was married for 13 years to a man who was gone a majority of the time. I am used to being in a relationship and still going to bed alone every night. Gentleman Jack is not. I can feel his struggles sometimes.

I struggle too. I've been in past relationships where trust was shattered, never to be regained. It is amazing that we're able to retain such a fleeting thing as trust. I wonder if it really is true that the looser you hold on to someone, the stronger the trust is built.

We communicate and listen to each other better than any relationship in my past.

Still, we're both afraid of losing that if we did see each other every day. Would we, eventually, stop talking? Lose connection? Take each other for granted?


"What you believe is being withheld from you, you are actually withholding."

I've read the above statement or similar statement in several places during my spiritual studies. I also notice that when I have doubts, when I live in fear, it causes a reaction in Gentleman Jack. He gets scared too. Then I, in turn, react to his fear and we spiral.

In order for me to feel his love, to feel his assuredness in this long distance relationship, I have to give that to him too. When I give love, I feel love. When I release my doubts, he does too.

And we rise up in love together!

Then we're able to enjoy this. Appreciate it. Continue it. Even if neither of us knows the 'how' or 'when' or 'what if'.

I also read somewhere that the most successful couple doesn't look to each other but rather looks forward together. I feel like we do that. I'd like to believe our future together could be anything we want it to be.


Bliss means so much more when it's shared.


  1. I am so, so happy that you and Rascal found each other and continue down this awesome path. It makes me smile to see you so happy! You both deserve it!!!!

  2. I don't think there's any version of couple that works better than the other; when we live together, the tiny little annoyances drive us crazy — don't you know women who get upset about how their SO loads the dishwasher or leaves socks on the floor? Not sexy, and not love-inspiring.

    But if we live apart, we feel like we're doing it all alone, and there are doubts — will he meet someone else? Will he think it's not worth it? I miss him!!!

    If your love with Rascal is real, then you have the rest of your life to figure it out, right? If you both are committed to the other, then it doesn't make a difference whether you live together or apart. Kids will grow up and move away, and life changes.

    200 miles isn't all that far ...

  3. First, congrats on the milestone, that's excellent. Second, this was an extremely honest and in a way, raw, post, and I love the way you've captured your thoughts, while also rejoicing in what you have. perfect balance. I'm pulling for you guys, because I think it clearly works, despite the distance.

  4. I agree long distance relationships are hard. Uprooting and moving to another city is a big move. I feel for you. Perhaps it's all a process you are going through, and at some point "the answer" to your dilemma will be as plain as day to you.

    Congrats to you two for sticking together a year, and sharing so much love!

  5. I get this and I remember being in a long distance relationship. I eventually gave in and moved to be with that man when my son was three years old. We have been together nearly eight years now and married for three years.

    I don't regret my choice. At the same token, I did not have anything holding me back eitehr. My son's father was not in his life and my career had just started so the decision was much easier.

    I hope you find a resolution soon. You guys should be together.

  6. Patience, love, and understanding will get you through all of it. Eventually an answer will come.. but there's no need to rush it.

    Congrats to you guys!

  7. Happy 1 year! :)

    LDR suck. But 200 miles. . . it could be worse, right?

    You have the love you desired, you have the fun you desired, you have the ___ you desired - I'm sure you can fill in that blank with just about everything you wish/prayed for, right?

    I've learned that sometimes we ask for things and get them. It's just that sometimes we weren't specific enough.

    10 years ago, I prayed for a house. I got one, it was just 4 hours west of here and I could only go there twice a year. I love God's sense of humor sometimes.

    I learned to be more specific in what I prayed for, but at the same time rejoice it in whatever form it came!

    I think you do a great job at doing this - xoxoxo!

    PS- Rascal Friday's are like a holiday to the Tonya universe now. ;)

  8. I think the distance might stink but the price seems worth it, based on what you have in return?

  9. To a certain extend losing connection can be avoided by choice, and being aware, but oh I know it can be so hard. Not so much from experience, mind, but anyway. Distance is a killer though, I have experienced that and I hate most of all the way it can blow things out of proportion, especially when you're chatting over the phone all the time.

  10. At the end of the day, I just have to ask myself if being with Sunshine is worth the trials and tribulations of being in an LDR.

    Without a question, the answer is a resounding YES.

    I'm a believer of "love conquering all"...and I'm hoping for happy endings in both my relationship and in yours.


  11. I think sometimes the distance sucks so much because we believe that relationships are "supposed" to be a certain way. I think it's important to decide what is most important in life and in our relationships, and let everything else fall away.

    not always easy, I know.


    you're doing just fine, T.

  12. So true! Bliss and sharing. And I love that you look forward together. Must be one of the factors that keeps us headed in the right direction as well. So thrilled that you and Rascal reconnected...

  13. Hi T, I too enjoyed Memorial Day Celebrations. Lots of laughter, tears and emotions...

    I wanted to comment about LTR's. I was in one for 1 1/2 before I ended up moving down to be in the same town as my "EX" girlfriend. When we were dating from a distance, it was like a First Date every time we say each other, well, except for the sex part... don't normally do THAT on the first date, but you get my drift... anyway

    We were like Peas and Carrots. We did all kinds of things together on the weekends that we spent together. Trips, weekends away.. we would lay around and read, go to movies, go dancing all kinds of things. BUT, once we moved in together, it was a LOT different, I found out that she was hiding her drinking problem, she was having lots of hormonal problems. She had commitment problems and she was just an unhappy person basically... all things that she could hide from being a weekend girlfriend. We only lasted a year living together... so, the moral to my story is, spend as much time as you can together for extended period of times... and then you'll see all the things that you don't get to see when you only spend every other weekend with someone... it's eye opening!

  14. Oh gee just write my life for me T!

    I too was married 10 years to a man who worked away, so totally understand the going to bed alone thing. I've since been a single mum for 2 and a half years, the past year of which I have been seeing an amazing guy who - get this- I went to school with as well! (thanks facebook!)And while he lives in my city, he works away two weeks out of three so it might as well be a LDR.

    What I really relate to is the little anxiety tremors I feel as well as I recognise each moment that I fall more and more for this guy. Thankfully he is the most laid back bloke ever so it doesn't worry him too much, but giving your heart to someone after the last person took it and tore it to shreds is so HARD! But worth it, and it will work out I'm sure. Thanks for the "jinx" moment so I know I'm not alone!

  15. Thank you all for the kind words of encouragement and heads up.

    Tansy! That is WAY cool! :) Welcome!


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