I didn't even want to talk to Gentleman Jack that night. Why? Well, he is a fixer. He wants to know WHY I'm feeling emotional so that he can pin point it and make it all better. I had to explain to him that I'm female and therefore, don't require a reason to be emotional. He didn't like that answer at all.
It wasn't until later that I realized the reason I was acting so defiantly emotional and pissy was because I couldn't fix someone else.
I'd witnessed it the day before. Complete and utter selfishness. And it pissed me off. It pissed me WAY off.
How do I react to other's selfishness? I get selfish. Then I get angry at myself for getting selfish!
Does that make ANY sense at all?
I now realize that this is a pattern with me. I'm like, "You wanna be selfish?! Fine then. Me too! See if you like THEM apples!!!"
Ironically, I wouldn't even be aware of someone else's selfishness if I wasn't feeling selfish too. Why else would I get angry because things aren't going MY way?
I had to stop and ask myself,
Why isn't someone else allowed to feel what they feel in that moment? Why do I get so damn irritated because someone isn't feeling or acting the way *I* want them to act or feel? Why would I want to respond by doing the same thing? How old am I again?
Funny, I didn't realize I was doing this until Gentleman Jack was trying to change the way I was feeling.
Are ya still with me?
It was April's comment on this post that made me put myself to bed early that night:
"Loving yourself is like loving anyone. Sometimes, you'll drive yourself crazy, but other times, only YOU will know what you need, and only you will be able to give it."
***
This week, I've also witnessed many people I know who are having marital problems. It scares me. I've already been beating a dead horse regarding the topic of marriage lately anyway.
I had a great discussion with Gentleman Jack about it. He completely understands my fear. He sees the same struggles with couples that he knows. We both like the idea of marriage but the reality of it is frightening.
"You know what the best answer is," he supposed, "honoring yourself. I think many people in relationships don't speak up when something bothers them. It's not until you're deep in a marriage that resentment builds about the way you're being treated. If that person had only spoken up earlier, maybe those patterns wouldn't be there. Maybe the relationship would be better. Why do we question whether or not we'll be accepted if we speak up for ourselves?"
It's true, isn't it? We do teach others how to treat us all the time. What will we put up with? What will we not speak up about? And if our partner doesn't respond to our requests, then what?
Even still, if you find that your partner is unable to meet your requests, can you choose happiness anyway, right where you are?
***
I also believe that when you're invested in a long term relationship, we put pressure on ourselves to make our partners happy. And if they're not happy, we assume that WE'RE THE REASON.
What if you're not? What if your partner is simply having troubles at work or financial issues or an emotional day? What if they simply don't want to burden you with their troubles because they are ashamed to ask for help, don't want you to worry too or don't really know why they're feeling down?
What if... they're not speaking up because they're choosing to feel that way and don't want you to fix it for them?
As April stated above - only you know what you need for your own peace and happiness. Only I know what I need. And only he knows what he needs.
Can we communicate those needs? Communication is integral!! Sadly, much of this communication breaks down when you're in the same home, the same situation, the same space.
Can we allow our partners to feel what they feel, without personalizing it or trying to make it better? Can we instead step back, offer love and a safe place to share?
These things rotted my marriage, I know this now. Selfishness ate it up. Then reacting to the selfishness with more selfishness...
Ugly. Vicious. Circle of resentment.
Sometimes, I'm thankful for the distance between Gentleman Jack and me. It allows me to remember my responsibility for my own happiness. It also allows me to keep my distance from his troubles, not try to fix, not blame myself but rather offer an ear, a loving embrace or a shoulder to lean on.
And he's thankful too. This, I know. Because being around a female on an emo day... just isn't a fun place to be.
"Arguments grow out of unmet emotional needs. A wise person will look for the emotional need behind the argument."
~ Gary Chapman
It's interesting. I've been thinking lately about how I feel grateful sometimes that CBG and I have that distance between us as well...because I know that my own tendency is to want someone to "rescue" and "fix" things for me. I don't think that's CBG's natural tendency, but I still think that being apart like we are helps to teach me independence and how to meet my own needs. If we lived together he still wouldn't be a "fixer", but I think I would look to him more and get frustrated that he wasn't fixing things. As things are now, I tend to first think of what *I* can do to help myself. It's a good feeling. :)
ReplyDeleteWe all tend to look for others to bail us out or somehow complete us, or, worse, both.
ReplyDeleteNo one can — or should — do that.
Finding the balance of being supportive of our partner's struggles, but not feeling like we own it and therefore must fix it is key; so is communicating, kindly, what's going on — even (especially!) the hard stuff.
But sometimes, I don't know what's going on — I just know how I feel, not what's driving those feelings. He doesn't have to do anything with that; just hear me (which is a drain in and of itself!)
It takes a good foundation of trust, compassion and honesty to make a relationship work.
Which means accepting that it takes time and presence and acceptance of what will not change.
If it were easy, it would be meaningless ...
This hit home.
ReplyDeleteI don't like the way HE seems to see me lately. I have moments where I get upset, and then I let it go, but the length of these moments varies dependent upon what's happening at the time, whether I get to vent or whether I need a moment to just work through it. I don't like that in his mind I'm always angry. And I wish that he didn't so often set me off into my quiet moments. (That's angry for me. I get quiet.)
We'll work through this. We always do. I just need time to talk to him. Alone. And that's the problem. Alone time.
I get rather pissed off when someone tries to "fix" how I'm feeling by not validating I have a right to feel what I feel. And then like you, I just want to be alone with myself. I get that many people can't relate to what I deal with but sometiems I just want to vent about it. There is no real "solution" to the problem but it would help if people would just STFU sometimes, listen and offer some compassion instead of trying to talk me out of my feelings or suggest I do this or that. When I vent I'm not looking for a solution, just a friend.
ReplyDeleteGood point. It is hard to seperate your self from your other and not take it personally when they are "in a bad mood" or just not "right".
ReplyDeleteWe all need to remember that they are individuals with the same (or at least some of the same) problems and thoughts as we have.
It is hard to seperate sometimes.
This is such an interesting post. My spouse & I are working through some of the same issues.
ReplyDeleteI get irritated when my wife asks me how I feel about something then gets mad at me if I don't feel the way she thinks I should about it. Like I'm not free to have my own thoughts or reactions. She's slowly learning to accept that we can have different opinions about things and not have to hate each other for it. It's not like because I like blue and she likes red that we can't be partners!
I also REALLY liked Rascals comment on honoring yourself. too many people, myself included, are afraid to speak up for what they want or need. My own rationalization for it is that same acceptance issue. The ironic art is that I can accept other people and their opinions & needs, so why can't I trust that other people will too?
We make this relationship stuff harder than it needs to be.
When I grow up, I wanna be more like you, mama...
ReplyDeletexox Beryl
I like your conclusions though I'm not sure just how much I helped or confused the question :)
ReplyDeleteThis is one of the reasons that I've chosen to stay single. I can't see anyone being worth trying to live with their emos as well as my own, my girls', my cat's, my friends', my family's...it just seems endless sometimes! But I'm confident that you and Rascal will figure this out for you.
Nothing frustrates me more than when I can finally feel safe enough to tell someone how I'm feeling and their first response in to try and FIX ME!
ReplyDeleteI usually don't want someone else to fix it. I just want to tell you how I feel, what I think, or how I'm planning on handling the situation. I don't want a champion to right my wrongs and fight my battles.
This is why I tend to keep issues to myself. I think most men, at heart, are fixers. They feel better if they repair it, or beat it into submission.... and that's not what I need in my life right now.
I read bits of this post out to David!
ReplyDeleteIt describes perfectly how I often feel when he discounts or tries to change how I am feeling!
Its probably one of the biggest stumbling blocks for me - he is rules, regulations and black and white and I am not and he tries to get me into his borders and often battles to just leave me in my space and hold me!