I came to a really funny realization today.
Funny, because it's like, DUH.
And yet, it feels like I've never thought of it before. Or never accepted it before.
Lately I've been feeling bored and even resentful. I had lots of ideas circling my over-thinking brain as to exactly why I felt that way. Today though, in the middle of an irritable PMS kind of day, it hit me.
I have to do this myself.
As singles and single parents, aren't you all saying, "Well hello? You're just now getting this?"
And the answer would be an emphatic NO.
I got it over 4 years ago when I asked my ex-husband to move out. I actually got it earlier than that when I realized our marriage was quickly fading.
I got it. Yes. But I was nowhere near happy about it, willing to take it on, or able to not resent the hell out of it.
So, there I was today saying to myself, "Hey, I have to do this myself!"
Meaning I have to let go of the idea of someone rescuing me. I didn't even realize I felt that way until today.
Looking for someone who could help me take on the financial burden.
Looking for someone to love me just the way I am so that I could love me too.
Looking for someone to cook me my favorite meals, light candles in my house, bring me flowers, tell me I'm beautiful...
Ya know what? Some of that I do have. Some of it I don't. But I've realized that I can't keep waiting for it. I have to give it to myself.
I have to learn to depend on ME and love myself enough that it doesn't feel like a temporary solution til someone comes along to do it for me.
Maybe this makes no sense to anyone but me. I mean, I've always been good about doing these things. I do wonder, however, if being in a relationship made me slow it down and wait to see if my Gentleman would pick up the slack?
What a big expectation that neither of us realized?! No wonder I've been feeling lazy and sluggish and bored and resentful...
I have to remember to take care of me. I have to remember to love me the way I wish to be loved. I have to remember to nurture me and feed my soul just as I would do without a partner in my life.
Then everything else that he offers would be icing on the cake.
Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to the kitchen to make MYSELF some homemade ceviche. Why? Because I want some!