Funny, because it's like, DUH.
And yet, it feels like I've never thought of it before. Or never accepted it before.
Lately I've been feeling bored and even resentful. I had lots of ideas circling my over-thinking brain as to exactly why I felt that way. Today though, in the middle of an irritable PMS kind of day, it hit me.
I have to do this myself.
As singles and single parents, aren't you all saying, "Well hello? You're just now getting this?"And the answer would be an emphatic NO.
I got it over 4 years ago when I asked my ex-husband to move out. I actually got it earlier than that when I realized our marriage was quickly fading.
I got it. Yes. But I was nowhere near happy about it, willing to take it on, or able to not resent the hell out of it.
So, there I was today saying to myself, "Hey, I have to do this myself!"
Meaning I have to let go of the idea of someone rescuing me. I didn't even realize I felt that way until today.
Looking for someone who could help me take on the financial burden.
Looking for someone to love me just the way I am so that I could love me too.
Looking for someone to cook me my favorite meals, light candles in my house, bring me flowers, tell me I'm beautiful...
Ya know what? Some of that I do have. Some of it I don't. But I've realized that I can't keep waiting for it. I have to give it to myself.
I have to learn to depend on ME and love myself enough that it doesn't feel like a temporary solution til someone comes along to do it for me.
Maybe this makes no sense to anyone but me. I mean, I've always been good about doing these things. I do wonder, however, if being in a relationship made me slow it down and wait to see if my Gentleman would pick up the slack?
What a big expectation that neither of us realized?! No wonder I've been feeling lazy and sluggish and bored and resentful...
I have to remember to take care of me. I have to remember to love me the way I wish to be loved. I have to remember to nurture me and feed my soul just as I would do without a partner in my life.
Then everything else that he offers would be icing on the cake.
Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to the kitchen to make MYSELF some homemade ceviche. Why? Because I want some!
Go me!
Honestly and truely I am going to cry! Real freaking tears!
ReplyDeleteI had major parenting battles last night and this morning and it hit me like a slap in the face - I am doing this alone.
I have support for many things but for this parent thing - I am alone!
I am not yet at the point where I am ok with that - I am still mourning the loss of the idea I had that maybe it would be shared some how!
Good for you, T! I've been battling with this one myself. I've been telling myself that "things will get better when...". I have to learn to be okay with life as it is right now. Hell...not even be okay with it, but actually LOVE LIFE as it is right now. Because what if nothing ever changes? I don't want to spend my whole life wishing that things had been different, waiting for a time when I finally allowed myself to be happy.
ReplyDeleteSo go you indeed! :)
i get it!! I sooooo get it!! Good for you!!!!!!
ReplyDeleteAll true, and I know this well. I feel like I've been "doing this all myself" all my life - and have made some poor choices because of that desire NOT to do it all myself. Now, 8 years post divorce, I have filled in the voids that existed before but doing it all myself is still exhausting.
ReplyDeleteAt the end of the day, us humans were not made to be alone. Wanting to love, be loved and be told were beautiful has nothing to do with our ability to fulfill ourselves otherwise.
Great point and perspective - you gotta do it for you and help yourself sometimes - and sometimes it's hard to see that that is the case. I totally get that and find it hard to take a step back and realize it, sometimes far too often than I'd like. Ceviche - got a good recipe? I've never tried it but would like to sometime!!
ReplyDeleteGo you is right #assslap
ReplyDeleteIt's been 8 years T and I still have days (like today) that I am just so pissed off bc I have to do all this on my own....nobody's coming to save me....the cool part is, I'm learning. Nobody needs to save me, but me. Go me!
One day at a time mama...and believe me when I tell you...you're not alone (I'm lurking in the shadows like always...listening, learning and sharing)
Love ya T~
xoxox
I love this...
ReplyDeleteLooking for someone to love me just the way I am so that I could love me too.
and this...
I have to learn to depend on ME and love myself enough that it doesn't feel like a temporary solution til someone comes along to do it for me.
This speaks volumes to me and I so get it!!!!
I call myself a "part-time" single mom because I only have to do it when hubby is deployed. Anyways it is hard to be the parent that stays because of having to be both mom and dad for weeks to months at a tme. It gets confusing for the kids.
ReplyDeleteAll through my childhood and in to my marriage I have had people doing things for me whether it was my dad, my mom, or my husband.
There are times when I am grateful for the help but other times when I want to do it myself. Like right now I wish I could find a job so that I could make my own money. I hate relying on my husband for money.
I've tried the at home businesses and they just aren't my thing. I want to leave home, go to an office, and work for someone.
That is my dream right now and unfortuntely I don't see that coming true anytime soon because of hubby being gone and me being the primary caregiver so I am the one that has to do everything... even when hubby is home I am the one that takes them to their appointments.
Anyways, maybe one day I will find peace.
{hugs}
You go girl!! You are an inspiration.
BUT, it's OKAY to ask for help when you need it (I know it's not easy). OX
ReplyDeleteI'm in this weird place right now where I'm resenting anyone doing anything for me. While I know I need the help, and I have people offering - once I accept the help I feel all this resentment.
ReplyDeleteI'm mad that I need it.
I'm mad that I give in and take it.
I'm mad that I'm mad... it's just crazy.
Loving yourself is like loving anyone. Sometimes, you'll drive yourself crazy, but other times, only YOU will know what you need, and only you will be able to give it.
ReplyDelete