In my rant a few days ago, I stated that I wouldn't be sharing all of those negative feelings with Gentleman Jack. If I did, if he sensed some discomfort, well... my man would go into worry mode.
He would assume that I will end our relationship because it is too much for me.
Here's the thing that I've realized about myself:
Once I'm in and comfortable, I'm pretty much not going anywhere.
I settle in. I nest. I relax.
Now, this may be a good thing and a bad thing. I mean, I settled into my last two relationships too. Each of them started out great and then, as I began questioning things, I still hung on. I hung on until I realized I was in absolute hell. That's when we both called it.
I do it with employment too. My current job is really comfortable and fun. I love the little family that I've created in the small company that employs me. Could I use more money? Absolutely. But I'm so happy there that I cannot imagine leaving. If it began to really exhaust me and not seem worth it for what I get paid, then I would certainly move on.
I am nowhere NEAR hell with Gentleman Jack. I'm still pretty floaty and in love with being with him. Sure, the long distance sucks and gets difficult at times but it is not a prevailing feeling. I get over it. I pull myself together and back to the present moment. Then, I'm fine. Happy. Thankful for the blessing of having him in my life.
I guess I'm loyal. Until it hurts too much. Then, I move on, forgive and love from afar.
This, of course, was difficult for me to explain to Gentleman Jack last night as I found myself spilling my guts (completely unprovoked!) anyway.
Yes, I was hurting after our time together ended. Yes, I did keep my feelings from him... and everyone else in my life.
"I'm trying not to feel bad for not sensing it and not being there for you," he said as I stifled my tears, "I mean, you did call me and I knew you were having a hard time but I didn't realize the magnitude of your pain. You hid it from me... and then you confessed it in a public place for all of these people you don't know?"
Ah yes, as I explained yesterday, bloggy support is something that cannot be explained to the non-blogger. He, thankfully, doesn't read the blog and has no desire to. He doesn't quite understand it... only that it offers me a sounding board. He worries that if he read it, he would get his feelings hurt.
Last night, he even offered to buy me a diary.
How can I explain that this blog, though public, seems like a safe and private place where I can share my deepest fears and pains?
How can I let him know that, though I process much of our relationship here, I am not saying hurtful things about him to "strangers" that may judge him?
I also went on to explain that I wasn't longing for our next time together yet. No, instead I was longing for what we'd just had. I was still in the past... not yet in the present... and not thinking of the future. I was simply resenting the fact that reality closed in on me when I wasn't ready for it.
I knew I'd be OK and felt rather upset with myself for my tantrum. Maybe it was easier for me to share that whiny irritability with seeming "people I don't know" rather than those closest to me?
I can't explain it. And as he worried more and more, I cried more and more. It was actually the exact catharsis I needed, apparently, as I felt much lighter after our conversation.
Perhaps I should have simply aired my feelings to him after all. And allowed him to feel his. Then maybe he would see that I always right the ship again the next day.
I mean, I have to feel these things, let them out, kick and scream at the unfairness of it all, just so that I can breathe deep again and not be choked off completely by resentment... therefore condemning this relationship and the communication that we've established to hell.
I don't choose hell.
I choose to experience what I am offered here. I choose to see the beauty, long for it sometimes and be blinded by it to the point that leaving it seems like someone is cutting off a vital part of my body.
Sometimes, it will really piss me off. Sometimes, it will have me doubled over in giggles and tears of laughter. Sometimes, it will completely take my breath away.
But all of it reminds me that I am human.
I am a human in love.