|by Cassundra Grace|
Yesterday I realized that I couldn't wait for a rescuer to pull me down from my victim tower.
What prompted it was a conversation with my mother that left me in tears.
My sister and I are at odds right now because she chose to leave her husband for another man. Now this wouldn't seem like a time that we'd be at odds but you see, I am the one who reminded her that this is a pattern.
I am the one who told her to think seriously about this move before jumping.
And she, therefore, has decided that I am judging her and not supportive.
Perhaps she is right. I still feel the same...and I'm trying not to have judgment about it... but I do. I mean, I've been in an affair. I've been cheated on. I've seen both sides. I am not happy with the way she handled this.
In the meantime, she's moving on whether anyone likes it or not and hearing about the big, large life she's moving on to left me feeling angry, resentful, frustrated, judgmental and yes, envious.
I was a mess, after this and many other phone calls regarding this situation, because it tears me up. I WANT so badly to be happy for her. But dammit, grrr... I find myself welling with anger instead.
It feels like blood diamonds! It feels like she's creating her happiness at the expense of someone else!
I hate feeling this way.
I've also noticed, when I feel something that strongly, it is usually because I'm resistant to it. I'm pushing against it. It becomes MY problem.
- Why can't I be happy that she has found man after man to rescue her from the "he doesn't make me happy" pattern that she finds herself in?
- Why can't I be happy that she always has my ever-doting mother who takes care of my nieces and nephew when she decides to turn her entire life around?
- Why can't I feel honored that I don't have these things because everyone assumes that I'm always ok, I always survive, I can make it alone, I don't really "need help"?
Because, honestly, it doesn't seem fair. It wasn't me who was rescued.
"When you ask for happiness and a beautiful life, ask not just for you, but for everyone. When you ask for something better, ask not just for you, but for everyone. By all means ask for abundance and health for you, but also ask for it to be given to everyone. Can you imagine what would happen if over six billion people asked for these things for you?"
~ Rhonda Byrne
I had just received this quote in my email on Monday and I thought, "YES! How true!" A few days later, I was challenged with it after the phone call with my mom.
Then yesterday, I saw this one:
"No one experiences freedom until they stop pushing against others. The only thing that binds you is the pushing against that which is unwanted."
Yes, YES, I get it.
In order for me to allow the goodness, in order for me to be free from these feelings of unworthiness, the longing to be rescued, the resentment for my single parenthood and all that goes with it, I have to STOP PUSHING AGAINST OTHERS' HAPPINESS.
I can't sit in judgment at my sister and her "rescuers". I have my own, in actuality. Gentleman Jack rescues me by being my partner, my cheerleader, my shoulder, my ever-present support.
I have others that I've taken for granted too.
My children. My ex-husband. Soldier. My friends. My enemies. The person who smiled at me at the grocery store and the person who cut me off in traffic.
And yes, even my sister.
How are they my rescuers?
They remind me that I have put them there. I have every opportunity to learn, to love, to fall prey to victimhood or to feel blessed. Every encounter, every relationship is a tower of my making. I choose what I'll see. I choose what I'll take. I choose whether I'll accept the love that is offered or if I can see that they, too, are calling for love like I am.
I choose how I handle what has been given me.
I now choose to stop fighting against other's happiness. I have to stop resisting the good that comes to others because that, in effect, stops it from coming to me too.
I now choose, instead of being rescued, to build myself a castle to surround that tower. A castle filled with joy, love and gratitude. A castle with open doors and an open roof to allow more blessings for not only myself but everyone who joins me.
But I won't wait for someone to do it for me, as I realized yesterday. Just as I built myself a tower of victimhood, with this castle of forgiveness, acceptance and love, every brick must be placed by me.