After a harmless encounter with a friendly waiter, I was considering that perhaps I should have a ring on my finger... so that my warm, welcoming presence wouldn't give others the impression that I was single and interested. It sounded like a good idea at the time, until I began to question that too.
Why do I require a physical boundary? Is there a way to send the same message without a ring?
Later that week, I received an email that a sex blogger friend would be in town. I didn't give a second thought to accepting the offer for dinner. I talked to Gentleman Jack about it that night.
He said that he trusted my judgment since he obviously didn't know this person I was meeting. But then he asked a great question:
"Are you meeting this person thinking that something sexual might happen?"
I hesitated before answering.
In that hesitation were LOTS of unanswered feelings, questions, fears, worries...
No, I did not have any desire or willingness to have a sexual encounter outside of my relationship. But yes, I will admit honestly, the thought of a new experience was intriguing. I would not act on my curiosity, however, because of the gratifying and intimate sex life I already share with my man.
I did feel safe though. I wasn't worried about the blogger friend getting the same wrong impression as the waiter. This blogger also reads MY blog. My monogamous commitment to Gentleman Jack is well documented here.
However, I did wonder...why was I still intrigued? Why do I not realize that I put myself in situations where someone could get the wrong idea? Why, again, would I need a blog or a ring to let someone know that I'm very much taken?
Do I not trust myself?
This pattern of behavior is part of my history. I had similar situations with other poor unsuspecting fellows when I was dating my husband. Again, I neglected to mention that I was taken and they were under the impression that I was interested in them.
Then there is the history of my affair, my doubtful questioning of monogamy, my sexual curiosity and experimentation, my sexual chemistry with women, my attention-seeking behavior...
I know this, after looking back on all of that:
I am ever curious.
Which isn't a bad thing. I believe it's quite healthy actually. The problem arises with this next trait.
I am sometimes restless.
Perhaps I have an addiction to attention. Perhaps an addiction to sex.
It is an awareness that I must keep in the forefront of my mind at all times. I must continue open and honest communication with my partner. I must accept responsibility for what I put out there and the situations in which I find myself.
I love that Gentleman Jack is strong enough to ask the questions he asks. I love that he sees me with love and understanding, even when he doesn't understand my actions. I love that he allows me to be me, while holding me accountable for what I say that I desire in a true, intimate relationship with a monogamous, loving man.
I only hope that I can see all of that in myself. I hope that I can let go of my past misgivings and recognize the unease before hurting myself again. I hope that an awareness of my motivations will help me to make better decisions. I hope that I can accept myself for being curious and intrigued... and still trust myself to not act on it.
I hope that I can find a peace within the chaos of restlessness.
Meditate or masturbate?
Surely one or the other will save me.