After a harmless encounter with a friendly waiter, I was considering that perhaps I should have a ring on my finger... so that my warm, welcoming presence wouldn't give others the impression that I was single and interested. It sounded like a good idea at the time, until I began to question that too.
Why do I require a physical boundary? Is there a way to send the same message without a ring?
***
Later that week, I received an email that a sex blogger friend would be in town. I didn't give a second thought to accepting the offer for dinner. I talked to Gentleman Jack about it that night.
He said that he trusted my judgment since he obviously didn't know this person I was meeting. But then he asked a great question:
"Are you meeting this person thinking that something sexual might happen?"
I hesitated before answering.
In that hesitation were LOTS of unanswered feelings, questions, fears, worries...
No, I did not have any desire or willingness to have a sexual encounter outside of my relationship. But yes, I will admit honestly, the thought of a new experience was intriguing. I would not act on my curiosity, however, because of the gratifying and intimate sex life I already share with my man.
I did feel safe though. I wasn't worried about the blogger friend getting the same wrong impression as the waiter. This blogger also reads MY blog. My monogamous commitment to Gentleman Jack is well documented here.
However, I did wonder...why was I still intrigued? Why do I not realize that I put myself in situations where someone could get the wrong idea? Why, again, would I need a blog or a ring to let someone know that I'm very much taken?
Do I not trust myself?
***
This pattern of behavior is part of my history. I had similar situations with other poor unsuspecting fellows when I was dating my husband. Again, I neglected to mention that I was taken and they were under the impression that I was interested in them.
Then there is the history of my affair, my doubtful questioning of monogamy, my sexual curiosity and experimentation, my sexual chemistry with women, my attention-seeking behavior...
I know this, after looking back on all of that:
I am ever curious.
Which isn't a bad thing. I believe it's quite healthy actually. The problem arises with this next trait.
I am sometimes restless.
Perhaps I have an addiction to attention. Perhaps an addiction to sex.
It is an awareness that I must keep in the forefront of my mind at all times. I must continue open and honest communication with my partner. I must accept responsibility for what I put out there and the situations in which I find myself.
I love that Gentleman Jack is strong enough to ask the questions he asks. I love that he sees me with love and understanding, even when he doesn't understand my actions. I love that he allows me to be me, while holding me accountable for what I say that I desire in a true, intimate relationship with a monogamous, loving man.
I only hope that I can see all of that in myself. I hope that I can let go of my past misgivings and recognize the unease before hurting myself again. I hope that an awareness of my motivations will help me to make better decisions. I hope that I can accept myself for being curious and intrigued... and still trust myself to not act on it.
I hope that I can find a peace within the chaos of restlessness.
Meditate or masturbate?
Surely one or the other will save me.
Well I do understand that about the first part. When I first started going on the road I would eat at night at a sports bar or somewhere that had a bar because since I was alone I would watch whatever game was on and eat and participate in a few adult beverages. Well after a few times of a single (just one, status didn't matter) sitting down beside me and flirting I determined it was in my best interest, and in my futures best interest to not put myself in that situation.
ReplyDeleteI'm just a man. The flesh is so so so weak.
Now its taco hell miller light and a cheap hotel room, alone. If you don't have to make a decision there is no way to make the wrong decision.
(a little off track but maybe you can see where I was coming from)
I tend towards attention seeking behaviors as well, even though I have absolutely no desire to be with anyone other than BLT, I totally dig the attention.
ReplyDeleteI'm hard to miss when I enter a room...I'm 5' 10" tall and I have long dark hair past my shoulders. Not to mention that most my height is legs - I have a 35 inch inseam!
I know people tend to look at me, and I find that I'll dress to attract attention (not in a trashy way, but 5' 10" in leather pants or a sexy strapless dress is hard to miss) and I enjoy flirting.
I'm just thrilled that BLT trusts me and he understands I'm a little vain, and I like the attention even though I wouldn't ever cross that line and do anything to ruin what we have.
ohh, p.s. my vote is masterbate.
ReplyDeleteBut I'm sure that's because I haven't had sex in two days and I'm ready to tackle BLT if he doesn't get home from the store soon and fullfill his manly "duties" LOL!
I won't lie, if I don't get to have sex every day I get cranky...now WHERE IS THAT MAN?!!
I tend toward being an attention seeker myself as well.
ReplyDeleteSometimes.
When people do that (myself included!) I believe it's because we are looking outside of ourselves for someone else to validate us and give us what we really need to figure out how to give to ourselves....
Masturbate.
ReplyDeleteAlways works for me.
Heh...
You are smarter, stronger, and a far better person than you give yourself credit for being. Trust that you will make the right choices. I have faith in you.
ReplyDeleteWhat I find interesting is that Rascal's first thought upon learning that you and I would be meeting involved the possibility of "something" happening.
ReplyDeleteJust because I write about sex and have an open marriage, am I expected to hit on every attractive woman I meet?
Back to your point, communication surely is of utmost importance, no matter what the nature of the relationship is.
Ahhh Hubs.... it wasn't only the fact that you write about sex that he asked that question.
ReplyDeleteHe knows me.
And he knows how I think, sometimes. And he understands my curious nature. And he doesn't understand the blogosphere and open marriage and those sorts of things.
As he and I grow closer, and he is exposed to things he doesn't understand, he is very good about asking questions. He wants to see why *I* find it all so fascinating. In the context of those things, I think it was a perfectly natural first thought.
I think most people encounter restlessness sometimes and maybe even a temptation to stray outside their monogomous relationship; it's what you DO about it that defines your character.
ReplyDeleteXOXO
I am not going to go into why I know exactly how you feel here, but I am too an attention seeker and it gets me into trouble a lot! I agree w/ sunshine that we do this when we want outside sources to makeup for what we lack. Not healthy for me that is for sure.
ReplyDeleteYou are stron and have a great man. It is ok to be curious, that is what makes you you and great. You know not to act on it!!!
I guess my point was, would Rascal asked that same question if you were meeting a "non-sex blogger", whatever that is? At the same time, I see your point, our partners know how we think and act and they anticipate what *might* happen in certain circumstances.
ReplyDeleteLooking back, I think my first comment was a little defensive, I didn't mean it that way...
I'm giggling to myself because the comments seem to be 1/2 masturbate and 1/2 meditate. :)
ReplyDeleteHubman - in answer to your question, yes, more than likely, Rascal would very well have asked what my attraction would be to the "non-sex blogger" that I'd be meeting too.
Very simply, he feels comfort in knowing where my mind is when I go into situations - especially since he cannot be there or here, as the case may be.
As I pointed out in the previous post, I sometimes find that people are attracted to me simply because of my open nature. He's witnessed it first hand.
I suppose he is seeking comfort in my thoughts since I am going into a situation with someone unknown to him. It makes him feel better knowing where my head is. I actually do the same with him. We have lots of conversations about the women in his life (who want him too... grrr...).
Such is the nature of a long distance relationship and having separate lives...
Oh and Hubs? Mwah! Thanks for being as cool as you are. :)
ReplyDeleteKisses all around to my loving and accepting readers. This was NOT an easy post to write!
For a long time I was a non-blogger dating a blogger. I admit that I found it very difficult. My partner would talk to me about her blogging friends (both male and female) with such sincerity and love. I found it hard to believe that all the male bloggers were really genuine (after all a lot of the men I knew that turned to the internet were after one thing).
ReplyDeleteBut then I realised that the blogging world is no different to any other and I had to trust my partner. But, even so, it was very difficult when I struggled to even understand the relationships that can be built in the blogosphere.
Or, perhaps you're just a friendly, caring, NICE PERSON who enjoys sex?
ReplyDeleteWell as for the meditate or masterbate question, silly T- OBVIOUSLY the answer is to MEDABATE!!!Maybe it's your spiritual duty to birth as much pleasure ecstasy and orgasm into the world as you possibly can.
ReplyDeletehttp://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KiIvKamCJgY
Giggle.
K!!! That video is yes! Perfect! Exactly!!
ReplyDeleteYou so know me...
As always, your posts speak to me like they are coming from my mind. Your very first comment about wearing the ring, especially! I started wearing my mothers ring (diamond surrounded by my three boys birthstones, that doesn't look like a mothers ring) about four weeks ago. I wear it on my left ring finger. After my recent break up with mechanic, I thought that I needed time for myself. Yet, I know that I am weak when it comes to attention from men and I was hoping to avoid any or all of it! It has eliminated a lot of it, yet, I find myself taking it off when I want to! Ultimately, I still have that desire to have the attention of a man and that doesn't go away because of a ring!
ReplyDeleteIn fact, my resolve to be alone is short lived when a wonderful man who I've known for a long time is persuing me! Might just have to get rid of the ring!
As for meditate or masturbate....I've never been able to clear my mind enough to meditate...so I'm voting for the masturbate! Fulfills you physically and spiritually!
I have so much to say about this! But a comment just isnt going to do!
ReplyDeleteAm going to try mail you and chat about this a little!
I think I make for the latter all too often.
ReplyDelete