"I have a theory," Gentleman Jack said to me Friday night, "I think that women have pent up emotion that they need to purge and... they look for ways to get rid of it. The next thing you know, their guy is in the middle of an argument with them asking himself, 'What the hell just happened?!?'"
Sometimes, I look at him in absolute amazement. I don't believe I've ever been around another man who is practically INSIDE my brain. I laughed and showed him this quote (that I'd posted on Facebook and a blog post):
"Arguments grow out of unmet emotional needs. A wise person will look for the emotional need behind the argument."
~ Gary Chapman
This conversation happened post-movie and yes, I had a strong desire to purge some emotion. And yes, since the movie let me down, I was particularly touchy and sensitive. So we did argue. We argued about my fears for the future. We argued about whether or not he'd ever do yoga with me or ride bikes with me or plan life with me. I pushed and pushed until he started to say, "Maybe you're not with the right man. Maybe we are too different."
Then, just as he began to show defeat, he battled his way back.
"Ya know what? That's bullshit. You and I are very much alike. And I have tried lots of things I never thought I'd try since I've been with you. I've been very influenced by all that I've learned from you and my life is better because of it."
As he went on and on reminding me how alike we were, how I couldn't possibly compare our lives now to what could possibly be in store for us, how I was future-tripping instead of in the present moment, I felt all of that purging of emotion. I couldn't help but wrap myself all up in those big strong arms and feel safe again.
Does anyone else have this experience?
I feel like a crazy person when I get lost in my head this way. I hated to see him back down because of my insane ramblings and his fear of not being good enough. I fell even more in love with him for fighting his way back.
But I don't want to have these crazy moments anymore. I hate the doubts, the fears, the worries. I don't want him to feel like he might have to defend the reason he's still in my life. Yet I LOVE the convincing arguments he gives!!
I do rent movies or read books just for the sake of letting out emotion. Don't most women do this? Isn't it good to just have a great sobbing cry sometimes??
Do I need to drink more wine? Get in more fitness? Go somewhere that it's not so fucking HOT outside?
Seriously, it seems that this man has a much more stable head on his shoulders than I do at times. The only time I see him down is when it comes to money. He can always pinpoint money.
Me? Sometimes I don't know whether to blame it all on hormones or expectations or lack of sleep or being overwhelmed as a single parent or thinking too much or aaarrrggghhh! The worst part is when he asks, "What can I do?" and my answer is, "I don't know... but this isn't it!!"
THIS is why I said that I didn't understand how he puts up with me. I can barely tolerate myself when I do this.
The good news is that I'm learning to open up more. I'm sharing even more of the dark parts of me that I'm convinced will scare anyone away. And he stands there taking it... even following me around asking for it because he can tell that something is eating me alive!!
He's the powerful cowboy who stands strong against the beating blows on his chest from the woman he loves. She pounds and pounds until she finally gives in, collapsing into his arms.
He's tough, gentle, kind, harsh, inside and outside of me.
I'm bending without breaking, expanding and contracting, moving forward by letting go of my past.
I guess I'm growing up, ya'll. A little bit of crazy at a time...
Note to self: Go to gym. And stop for more wine on the way home.