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Last week, I was on the ledge of misery and unworthiness. I was also on the ledge of breaking up with Gentleman Jack.
That was the day of our ugly fight when we no longer saw each other... but instead dumped heaps of baggage on our very honest and loving relationship.
I knew I didn't want to make a decision based on fear, anger or reaction to an argument. Instead I decided to sit with the idea. I thought about it. For hours.
What would my life be like without Gentleman Jack in it?
The very thought of it left me feeling as if my skin had been ripped from my body and alcohol poured on top of me. Raw. Stinging. Excruciating.
I would mourn. But I know me and I know how I react after and during a mourning period. I would move forward with the lessons I’d learned. I would do whatever it took to get back to who “the new me” would be. I would find all sorts of ways to forgive him and forgive myself for our shortcomings.
I would meditate and read more of A Course in Miracles. I would sit in stillness. I would lean on my faith and trust that I was exactly where I was supposed to be.
I would go to more yoga classes. In the past month, I’ve gone once, 1 TIME, to yoga. I would find solace on my mat, breathing in love and breathing out unhappiness or low self-worth.
I would ride my bike more. I would schedule more cycling events and outings with friends. I would get back to the gym and swimming. I would possibly plan to work up to another triathlon and/or obstacle course event. I always feel like a bad ass when I cross a finish line.
I would be present with my children. I would absorb their childhood innocence, playfulness and love. I would be silly, put on a big smile and squeeze them until they begged me to let them go.
I would call up my friends, my mom or my brother and make plans. I would even be motivated to reconnect with my estranged sister. We would plan lunches and evenings out – not to pick up a new man… no it would take me a while before I’d be ready for that. We would nurture the simple joys of quality time and laughter.
I would be present at work and in everything I did. I would continue to look forward, keeping my chin up. I would allow myself to feel the pain and ache of losing him but know that I did what I thought was best. And I would root myself firmly in the NOW so that I could baby step forward to strength and love for myself and those around me. I would dissolve the feelings of unworthiness. I would breathe easy again.
Then… something occurred to me.
I have all the time in the world to do those things NOW. There is no reason, at ALL, why I cannot dissolve the feelings of unworthiness NOW. There is no reason on earth why I can’t breathe in the love NOW. I have no reason not to trust right NOW and know that I’m exactly where I’m supposed to be. I can know that I’m doing what I think is best for me, right NOW.
Why am I not doing these things for myself NOW?
The distance of time and space between Gentleman Jack and me can serve me well. I have plenty of time available to me to continue my self-nurturing. I have no need to sacrifice the things that I would normally do for myself. I have fallen into some past pattern of look-what-I've-given-up-for-you martyrdom. I haven’t been asked by Gentleman Jack to change who I am. In fact, the only thing he does ask of me is that I continue to be the happy girl he fell in love with.
And that is up to ME.
I can do all of those things and STILL be supported and loved by him. I can take care of me and still have the added bonus of his adoration and affection. The obviousness of this revelation stunned me so much that I actually laughed out loud!
I swear sometimes it’s like the universe slaps me up the side of the head with a big, fat DUH?!?!
Perhaps I wasn’t standing on a ledge after all. Maybe I was standing on a precipice of greatness.