Tuesday, September 7, 2010

On Edge

Photo from Vi.sualize.us


Last week, I was on the ledge of misery and unworthiness. I was also on the ledge of breaking up with Gentleman Jack.

That was the day of our ugly fight when we no longer saw each other... but instead dumped heaps of baggage on our very honest and loving relationship.

I knew I didn't want to make a decision based on fear, anger or reaction to an argument. Instead I decided to sit with the idea. I thought about it. For hours.

What would my life be like without Gentleman Jack in it?

The very thought of it left me feeling as if my skin had been ripped from my body and alcohol poured on top of me. Raw. Stinging. Excruciating.

I would mourn. But I know me and I know how I react after and during a mourning period. I would move forward with the lessons I’d learned. I would do whatever it took to get back to who “the new me” would be. I would find all sorts of ways to forgive him and forgive myself for our shortcomings.

I would meditate and read more of A Course in Miracles. I would sit in stillness. I would lean on my faith and trust that I was exactly where I was supposed to be.

I would go to more yoga classes. In the past month, I’ve gone once, 1 TIME, to yoga. I would find solace on my mat, breathing in love and breathing out unhappiness or low self-worth.

I would ride my bike more. I would schedule more cycling events and outings with friends. I would get back to the gym and swimming. I would possibly plan to work up to another triathlon and/or obstacle course event. I always feel like a bad ass when I cross a finish line.

I would be present with my children. I would absorb their childhood innocence, playfulness and love. I would be silly, put on a big smile and squeeze them until they begged me to let them go.

I would call up my friends, my mom or my brother and make plans. I would even be motivated to reconnect with my estranged sister. We would plan lunches and evenings out – not to pick up a new man… no it would take me a while before I’d be ready for that. We would nurture the simple joys of quality time and laughter.

I would be present at work and in everything I did. I would continue to look forward, keeping my chin up. I would allow myself to feel the pain and ache of losing him but know that I did what I thought was best. And I would root myself firmly in the NOW so that I could baby step forward to strength and love for myself and those around me. I would dissolve the feelings of unworthiness. I would breathe easy again.

Then… something occurred to me.

I have all the time in the world to do those things NOW. There is no reason, at ALL, why I cannot dissolve the feelings of unworthiness NOW. There is no reason on earth why I can’t breathe in the love NOW. I have no reason not to trust right NOW and know that I’m exactly where I’m supposed to be. I can know that I’m doing what I think is best for me, right NOW.

Why am I not doing these things for myself NOW?

The distance of time and space between Gentleman Jack and me can serve me well. I have plenty of time available to me to continue my self-nurturing. I have no need to sacrifice the things that I would normally do for myself. I have fallen into some past pattern of look-what-I've-given-up-for-you martyrdom. I haven’t been asked by Gentleman Jack to change who I am. In fact, the only thing he does ask of me is that I continue to be the happy girl he fell in love with.

And that is up to ME.

I can do all of those things and STILL be supported and loved by him. I can take care of me and still have the added bonus of his adoration and affection. The obviousness of this revelation stunned me so much that I actually laughed out loud!

I swear sometimes it’s like the universe slaps me up the side of the head with a big, fat DUH?!?!

Perhaps I wasn’t standing on a ledge after all. Maybe I was standing on a precipice of greatness.

12 comments:

  1. Holy crap T, are you hanging out inside my head or what? Get out of there girl, I want to keep all my freaky, kinky, thoughts to myself!!! :P

    Seriously though, I have such similar thoughts about BLT. I worry about giving up those little shards of myself I've found again since my divorce.

    But the thing is, BLT doesn't want me to loose myself. He wants to enhance the true me, to make me happier and healthier. I think, sometimes, that I don't believe it's real or I'm looking for an alterior motive, or wating for him to break my heart - because I'm still trying to remember that I DESERVE to be loved like that.

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  2. It's so funny because as I was reading your post I was thinking, "Um, why can't she keep doing those things while in her relationship?"

    Glad you figured it out for yourself. I love those "AHA!" moments in life when something becomes suddenly clear like that.

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  3. From where I sit you are one lucky chick and have a relationship I think many of us would like to have. I can't understand how you can let all this other "stuff" distort the reality of how good it is! Sure you have the long distance thing but at the end of the day you also have a man who loves and adores ALL that you are.

    Absolutely you should not lose those parts of yourself that are important to you - and I'm glad you've realized you dont have to!

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  4. As president and founder of "Overthinkers Anonymous," I'd like to extend an invitation for you to join me in celebrating our overthinking ways...because as simple as some of this stuff sounds, we still find ways to make it more complicated than it sometimes has to be.
    Signed,
    Overthinking Ollie, president and founder of Overthinkers Anonymous.
    ;-)

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  5. As I was reading, I too thought, ummm hello, why aren't you doing all this stuff now. I am glad you realized it before I had to yell at you!!! *Smile*

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  6. Hi T !
    It's so true about people stopping doing all the things that make them feel better once they get into a relationship. My GF was going to the gym 3 days a week, walking other days, doing things with her GF's and now, all she wants to do is spend time with me. Doing things for me, helping me out with stuff in spite of what she needs to do for herself. I try to "help" her to understand that she doesn't have to stand over me, I'll be OK and that the best thing for our relationship is for her to take care of her inner as well as outer self.
    I do my own thing, Spirit Rock, ranching, Men time. I hope that she'll see the light one day... soon.
    Glad you're feeling a little better... also glad you can talk about it when you're not!

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  7. First of all, for those currently in relationships, I am SO thankful for the understanding about these feelings. I do realize that to others who are still wanting a relationship, it may appear that I'm whining. I'm sorry. It really is tough to learn to trust - not only my partner but MYSELF - after past relationship traumas.

    I do appreciate hearing that the grass isn't greener on either side of things. Either way, single or not, it still takes a lot of work to stay in touch with who you are.

    And KC, I also appreciate hearing a man's point of view. Rascal, too, continues to do the things he enjoys. I'm not sure if it's a girl thing to give up on our own stuff? Who knows. Glad it's not just me.

    Thanks ya'll.

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  8. Wow-- that's a great thing to realize. Your post was scaring me at first. I felt like I was watching someone on the window ledge of a tall building about to jump off. I'm glad you talked yourself off of it.

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  9. Sometimes, you say things that just resonate with me. Yup. This is one of those times. I have to be careful not to focus so much on HIM and US that I lose myself.

    Thank you for reminding me. You are GREAT.

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  10. *sigh* The last sentence was so beautiful it made me cry.

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  11. I hear ya, gal. Sometimes, we just want more, or we want it our way, or we want it now or all of the above.

    Living apart from a loved one and not being able to see him all the time makes us feel like we're missing something, when actually we have everything; how many people get to have time for themselves, their kids, family, friends AND their lover?

    Greatness, indeed!

    Please forgive the universe for slapping you, but you needed it! ;-)

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