I did ask Gentleman Jack to come with me to San Francisco for the wedding and he declined.
I understood. He felt he wouldn't know anyone or would be in the way. He was a little unsure about my mourning over Jim and thought it best that I share that experience with others who knew Jim.
He was very supportive of the trip and was excited for the fun I was having.
Yet, as happens occasionally, we both felt a disconnect. I suppose since our primary means of communication is over long distance and since there was a 2 hour time difference, lots of downtime between communicating left us both feeling a bit off. We were unable to work out a routine of texting or talking, like we have normally. Even short phone calls don't always work with us. We're never talking for less than a half an hour, at least!
By Sunday evening and Monday morning, we were both more than frustrated. On my flight home, I could feel his hurt and I was angry.
I wasn't angry because he was feeling hurt or disconnect or worry or jealousy.
I was angry because he hadn't TOLD me his feelings yet! There's nothing I loathe more than passive aggressive behavior!
I arrived in Dallas on Monday afternoon and immediately had a text from him. I'd been praying the entire flight home that I would be given the strength to allow him space. I wanted to give him room to feel comfortable sharing his feelings... instead of attacking him out of pure assumption.
I called him from baggage claim.
After a brief chit-chat about the flight home, he spoke gently, "Baby, I'm feeling very disconnected from you right now. It scares me. I'm so afraid that you're going to want to live that life, out there, and leave me far behind. I keep asking myself why you are with me?"
My heart melted like butter.
"THAT is exactly why I love you, my sweet, sweet man!!!!"
We talked more about the trip that evening. We also discussed the myriad differences in our lives, what sort of friends we have, activities we love, etc.
I think he would have enjoyed the trip. I didn't know that many people either. He assumed it was going to be a bloggy convention of friends who all knew me. I loved the people watching and the gorgeous views. He would have enjoyed that too. There were many romantic moments that I would have loved to share with him.
He didn't know. Because we were unable to talk, he was conjuring up scenarios in his mind, feeling further and further away from me.
I'm guilty of this too, when he has a busy weekend.
[sarcasm font] I guess it is also one of the joys of a long distance relationship. [/sarcasm font]
We both decided that over time, we will learn to be comfortable and trust in the silence of the other. Time away from each other doesn't take love away.
Our discussion about this was interesting to me.
All of the things we don't have in common could be frightening. We very obviously enjoy different things and have different outlooks on certain things in life.
However, the very fact that he shares who he is with me... even when he isn't always proud of the "him" that he's sharing... the fact that we are accepting of each other, even when we disagree... those things seem so much deeper and beyond the superficiality of hobbies or types of friends we keep.
He has my heart. He's earned it. He makes me believe in true love.