Wednesday, September 1, 2010

Work in progress

I've been listening to and watching a lot of Dr. Wayne Dyer's PBS specials/audio books lately. He writes and speaks about manifesting. He was in the movie version of The Secret but he now teaches beyond it. He is also a student of A Course in Miracles.

I've not had much interest in The Secret/Law of Attraction lately. I do believe that we can manifest. Yes. I agree that we have that power. The problem is, from what I've noticed, we don't always realize what we may manifest.

Sure, we can stay positive and focused on something and make it happen. We also have lots and lots of subconscious thoughts that attract and manifest as well. I believe this is when we look at things in our lives and say, "I didn't choose that!"

Dr. Dyer said something that helped me to understand this phenomenon.

"We don't always attract what we want. We attract what we are." (paraphrasing)

Basically, we attract from our beliefs about ourselves and the world. And again, not all of these beliefs are within the frame of our conscious mind.

***

I say all of that because I have been doing lots of soul searching about my relationship with Gentleman Jack.

I've found myself stuck in a downward spiral. I love the man. SOOOOOOO much. We have a great time together. He is truly wonderful to me.

But when I try to imagine a future with him, there are things that piss me off too. There are things that he does or doesn't do in his life that frustrate me... things that have nothing to do with me but irritate me nonetheless.... things that showed up in my marriage and other past relationships.

I left those relationships so I wouldn't have to deal with those irritating things!

Ahhh but what you don't understand, says the universe, is that you've never healed the thoughts that brought those things in your life to begin with!

*sigh*

I guess it must be true. The one thing in common in all of those relationships is me.

Grrr... and thus I have to look at it and sit with it. I have to shine a light on it and try to figure out why I allow those things to bother me so. I also have to look at why I have such a need to fix or change these irritations instead of allowing him to be.

Otherwise, I will run screaming the other direction over a future fear and miss out on the loving and positive things that Gentleman Jack has brought I've allowed in my life in this relationship.

***

One of the core beliefs that I think Gentleman Jack and I share individually is: "What if I am not enough?"

Of course, the sameness of beliefs is probably one of our deep attractions to each other. This belief shows itself in all areas and in both good and bad ways. Attraction is attraction - it doesn't see good or bad. It just is.

The (sometimes problematic) difference, however, is how each of us handles that belief.

I tend to follow the premise, "Give and give until it hurts. Then give some more. Bend over til your back is almost breaking. Surely they will love you for it."

And Gentleman Jack seems to live by the creedo, "Give and if it's not enough, it's their problem, not mine. Love me as I am. *beats chest in defiance*"

I forget boundaries and have a martyr complex. He puts up a fortress of defense.

I get resentful when people take too much and don't give back. He gets resentful when what he gives isn't enough.

I don't think either one is healthy. Neither of us gets much benefit from handling ourselves this way. There's a balance between the two somewhere, right?

***

There is still much work to be done... on myself, my beliefs, my fears, and the trunk of baggage that's still hiding in the attic of my subconscious.

There is still much that I have to understand and feel comfortable with in my relationship as well. This starts with looking at our sameness and not our differences. Or rather... both of us being aware that we handle our sameness differently.

Can I learn to allow and accept our differences?

In the meantime, I will lean on my faith. Again.

19 comments:

  1. T - I'm sorry you are in such a dark place right now. I think you're right that you hold the key to your anxiety. Hugs

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  2. Every single relationship has it's challenges, T. There is no couple in existence that is "issue-free". The difference between happy couples who last, and unhappy couples that don't last are that the happy couples learn how to use those differences to learn about themselves, and love each other through them.

    Every relationship has something to teach you - about yourself, and about the world around you. Focus on those lessons that you are learning, and have yet to learn.

    We are all works in progress, and I honestly believe that we're never "done". Life changes, and so do we. It's something to be celebrated! :)

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  3. "There is still much work to be done... on myself, my beliefs, my fears, and the trunk of baggage that's still hiding in the attic of my subconscious."

    But you ARE working on it! Me too!! And I think the closer we get to "getting it" the more painful and difficult this can process can be. It's like we have to cross that barrier that has become our safe place, healthy or not, it's what we know so letting go of it is difficult.

    *Hugs*

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  4. "We don't always attract what we want. We attract what we are." (paraphrasing)

    Thanks for that - I'm fresh out of a year long relationship with someone who was amazing, but I couldn't see a future with. I've still got healing to do from a highly dysfunctional relationship that left me thinking to my core that I didn't deserve, that I didnt measure up. I want what I seek in a relationship to finally match up with who I truly am, without settling!

    Remember, we're all beautiful works in progress.

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  5. Allowing and accepting. That could be the master key to all relationships and relationship problems for everyone everywhere for all time. Let it be, let it be… Why must we find something in someone else we think we cannot tolerate and we must change? Why must others find things in us they cannot tolerate and they must change? There are degrees of things you can accept and there is a line of course - a closet night-stalking gay pole dancer may be something you can't tolerate and must run away from. But not organized? Always late? Not the best with money (maybe getting close to that line with this one). Socks on the floor? Twitching left eye? Maybe not doing something for you that you didn't tell him but you really, really, really wished he would have picked up on anyway? I dunno - I'm a moron. Where is the line for you? Honor you T.

    The line and degrees of acceptance are different for us all. I see that years of intolerance and inflexibility from my spouse to me over things that I think she should have tolerated more and been more flexible with have eaten away at me and her. I think there is dual-problem here too though - yes, the actual things irritated her more than I think they should have, but I believe her need to control, initiate change, and succeed at changing those things were of greater need to her than the actual things - which leads me to conclude that I couldn't win: If it wasn't these things that had to change then it would have been those things…

    In my case the bigger problem was her inability to allow and accept - something, always something - which fed her need to control and change - which irritated the hell out of me, which, well snowballed and sucked for years. If we could have talked about it, and identified this together, and she would have been open to letting it be and allowing and accepting - and I would have known more just how much some of my actions annoyed her, but I saw she was making an effort to tolerate them - then that would have created such a better dynamic that I probably would have done them less to help her and she would have accepted more than she wanted to help me - but it just might have been good enough - and I wouldn't be here today writing this.

    There will always be something that irritates us about anyone we have a significant relationship with - hell finding what irritates us about them is friggin easy! The integrity of our character, your character, of how we deal with it is the hard part that takes time and effort - but if it ain't too big, let it be. I can tell that the good you have here FAR outweighs irritations that will always exist in one form or another with anyone you find. Mr. & Ms. Perfect ain't out there - and I don't think I would want her if she was, she wouldn't be human - like you and I. Thank you T.

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  6. I tend to agree with Sunshine on this, and also have an observation. Is your relationship with Rascal the first where you have really deeply examined your relationship and your feelings for one another so openly and honestly? If so, then I think that is a major, major indication that you two are right where you need to be - with each other - and you ARE enough for each other. My two cents anyway.

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  7. Thank you to all of you for being so supportive again. *happy sigh*

    Ya'll make me feel a whole lot less alone in the world.

    And yes, Jolene, this is a first for both of us. We're both very apprehensive about jumping too fast. Our relationship has been one of little to no pressure. When pressure is exerted, either way, the other of us gets frightened.

    Baggage from past serious relationships and having responsibilities like children seem to weigh heavily on us. We'll be fine if I can right myself again.

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  8. "We don't always attract what we want. We attract what we are." (paraphrasing)

    I love that! And I love you! And I love this post! ;)

    And I definitely have to agree with both Sunshine, Mindy, and Jolene. They all make great points, and I really have nothing else to add to them.

    Just think, breath, and take everything in. Only you can tell yourself what decisions are right for you, and what will bring you happiness.

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  9. We attract what we are. I love that.

    You know from a few of my last blogs that I'm trying to get re-centered, as well.

    It's a never ending cycle that comes and goes with us all. Valley's and hills, I say. :)

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  10. I was always afraid of confronting relationship challenges. I would normally chalk them up to "it not working" and find a reason to move on.

    With Sunshine, though, I find that if we work through those challenges and we both bend a little bit to meet the other, what appears on the other side of that wall is an even more amazing relationship.

    I think you're both smart enough to want to follow that exact process and get over whatever walls may confront you going forward.

    :-)

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  11. I read posts like this and I think, "Holy shit, I will never have this kind of self awarness. Much less, if I did, be strong enough to act on the implications of said self awareness. As always, thank you for sharing. Really. Today I'm overwhelmed, having some wine and going to bed early...
    xox
    Beryl

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  12. I think the differences can be frustrating and scary, but they can bring balance and be beautiful too if you learn to see them in a positive light.

    I'm hoping your feeling better soon T. You seem to be struggling lately.

    Support, and Love
    Little Ol' Me

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  13. I think what I love most about reading you is that I always walk away more introspective. And for me, that's really saying something.

    I think with all the big things on the horizon, it's easy to get caught up in over-examining things. I do it all the time with HIM. Right now, we are embarking on some huge changes and I find myself uber-examining our relationship. I'm terrified of making another mistake, giving love too freely, ending up in a bad situation.

    At some point, I simply have to trust that I am where I'm supposed to be, that there is enough good between us to counter the bad, that there is enough trust and honesty between us to endure, that there is enough love to make it worthwhile, and enough desire to be together no matter what to see this through.

    Sending big warm virtual hugs. Thanks for this...

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  14. Just be.

    Many of us start new relationships before we are healed from the old one.

    T- Try not to label yourself or your relationship. Stop putting so much pressure on yourself.

    I totally get where you are here, I am there too.

    Love Dr. Wayne Dyer. Read Excuses Be Gone. It helps in letting go of all the bs (read: Control)

    Peace

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  15. I think you also said something huge here. The common denominator in all your relationships is YOU! You say that you may be bringing this trait to you and you want to figure out why, because it may be from deep in your subconscious. (At least that is what I think you are saying)

    What if it is? What if you can’t ever change it or bring the meaning to the surface? Maybe we need to stop looking so deep and learn to just accept people for not being us! Maybe their irritating ways (to us), are ok and if that changes it would make them someone we aren’t attracted to anymore. They wouldn’t be themselves anymore and they are who we liked in the first place. Maybe we need to focus a little on the surface and not so deep for a change and we will see beauty that we have never imagined. I know this is so backwards from what we have been trying to do, but lately I feel like maybe it should be a little easier and not so draining and deep.

    As usual, I have all this in my head and can’t get it on paper making any sense. Ah hell, I hope you know what I am trying to say!

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  16. This is a great post. So much self awareness, T! I love what you wrote here: "Basically, we attract from our beliefs about ourselves and the world. And again, not all of these beliefs are within the frame of our conscious mind." Wonderful stuff!!

    On the other hand, there's this line: "Surely they will love you for it." - Sounds like you are giving conditional love. Rascal seems to be encouraging unconditional love. i.e. give love, genuinely want others to not suffer, and that's enough.

    Very nice post. You're leaps and bounds ahead of most people on the evolutionary ladder, mainly because you are so aware and inquisitive. As Tool might say, you are prying open your third eye...

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  17. As much as I hate the struggle that tends to lead to these tidbits of self-awareness, they seem to serve me. I do enjoy feeling as if I've climbed some sort of mountain... or completed a triathlon. :)

    Yes, Danielle, I am working on acceptance. Definitely. And yes, DH, I am aware of the conditions placed on my love.

    The "prying open of my third eye" isn't always a comfortable process...

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  18. Oh and Nice Peace of Buddhy... the PBS special I am watching right now is Dr. Dyer's Excuses No More. I love it!

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  19. It seems like you have such a healthy, communicative relationship. In so many more ways than many of us.

    Why is it assumed that every relationship must be the traditional "24/7" setup?

    Why is marriage still considered the brass ring, especially if you've been there, done that, had your kids, and have your own paying job & benefits?

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Thank you for leaving me some comment love!