I was driving home for lunch last week and heard this song on the radio.
If you know anything about me, you know that I cannot simply enjoy a song. I listen to lyrics. I want to understand the meaning behind the song.
So, as I listened to the vocalist sing to the "other woman" on the phone... and how they "never moved on"... while his girlfriend was in the other room.... I was sick to my stomach.
I guess this is another reason why I self-analyze so much while in my relationship with my Gentleman. I don't want that feeling of "never moved on" about my ex or Soldier. While I was married to my husband, and certainly the entire time we were together, I was also very much in love with someone else.
And it wasn't my lover during my affair.
I loved him too during that time. I was also crazy in love with my husband during all of our time together. At one point, during my marriage, I felt like I was in love with 3 different men at once.
Now, many of you might ask, "How is that even possible?!"
I have no answers. I only know that feeling of...
"Why didn't we work out?"
"I've never moved on."
"I still think of you."
"I dreamt of you last night."
"Sometimes, I fantasize it's you when my husband and I make love... And sometimes I fantasize about my husband when you and I make love... "
Ugh. Just typing that makes me feel like I could lose my lunch.
I want to be completely present for Gentleman Jack. I want to tear down these walls, find the deepest fears and doubts and wipe them clean. I want to be whole in my relationship.
I want to make love with my eyes open.