Monday, September 6, 2010

You make it hard to be faithful



I was driving home for lunch last week and heard this song on the radio.

If you know anything about me, you know that I cannot simply enjoy a song. I listen to lyrics. I want to understand the meaning behind the song.

So, as I listened to the vocalist sing to the "other woman" on the phone... and how they "never moved on"... while his girlfriend was in the other room.... I was sick to my stomach.

I guess this is another reason why I self-analyze so much while in my relationship with my Gentleman. I don't want that feeling of "never moved on" about my ex or Soldier. While I was married to my husband, and certainly the entire time we were together, I was also very much in love with someone else.

And it wasn't my lover during my affair.

I loved him too during that time. I was also crazy in love with my husband during all of our time together. At one point, during my marriage, I felt like I was in love with 3 different men at once.

Now, many of you might ask, "How is that even possible?!"

I have no answers. I only know that feeling of...

"Why didn't we work out?"

"I've never moved on."

"I still think of you."

"I dreamt of you last night."

"Sometimes, I fantasize it's you when my husband and I make love... And sometimes I fantasize about my husband when you and I make love... "

Ugh. Just typing that makes me feel like I could lose my lunch.

I want to be completely present for Gentleman Jack. I want to tear down these walls, find the deepest fears and doubts and wipe them clean. I want to be whole in my relationship.

I want to make love with my eyes open.

9 comments:

  1. Then LET GO darling....and let Rascal in. What have you got to lose besides a whole lot of emotional weight?

    You deserve to be loved T....LET him love you

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  2. I'm with CC!

    BUT I know what you mean as well.

    Definitely let go T. It's something that you need to do.

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  3. Sounds to me like you need some kind of closure...
    I don't judge. I completely related.

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  4. I heard this song for the first time mid-affair! It made me cry - tears of angry, hurt, frustration.

    Even now I find it VERY hard to listen to it. The way it is sung makes it even more haunting for those of us who have been on the other end of the phone!

    I still battle alot with my affair. Its almost like it haunts me but I let it go a while ago. I forgave myself and I let it go.

    It will always be a part of me but now, today, I am a better me. One who knows that what she has is real and true!

    Let it go T. Forgive yourself!

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  5. I know this feeling of being in love with more than one person at the same time.

    It can tear a person apart.

    It's time to let go of those things that you don't want, T.

    *hugs*

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  6. I know what you mean...mostly. I think years of hurt made me fall out of love with my husband long before I pulled the plug. Now, though, I want to be completely committed to HIM. And I am. I just want to be able to let go of all my reservations.

    Teach me how to do that, wise one.

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  7. I first have to say that I LOVE this song to pieces, though it reminds me of a drive down a dark road in Kauai on my honeymoon because I remember listening to it and watching the palm trees zip by and just being happy (you'd think I'd hate the song now, right?)...but truly, I agree with CC as well in the letting go part and just allowing him to love you. I think it's certainly okay to have thoughts as you have, but I think deep down, he's the one you want...

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  8. I don't think it's strange to love more than one person. You love all your kids, yes? Now then, being romantically intimate with more than one person can only occur if you aren't totally present to the relationship, i.e. you're not giving your all. Because if you're giving your all, there is no one else. Nice post!!

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  9. I hate this song, I have to change the station when it comes on. It probably has something to do with my hurt over my ex and his... infidelity, if you can call it that... but I just can't listen to it without thinking about that poor girlfriend in the other room.

    Anyway- more relative to your situation, if you're present in your relationship, tell him that, and he'll either believe it or he won't. You can't force him to trust you, can you?

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