Tuesday, October 12, 2010

Living a life of Authenticity

Since Gentleman Jack has been in my life, I feel more certain than ever that I want to live an authentic life.

GJ and I are honest, as often and as much as we can be. I'm sure there are things we may not say but this is definitely the most consensually honest relationship I've ever had.

Unfortunately, not all relationships are like that... for instance, my marriage. I have to remind myself of that now and again. Maybe at some future point, Jack and I could stop communicating the way we do. It all remains to be seen.

I say all of that because recently, a girlfriend, with whom I've been intimate, is having difficulties in her marriage.

If you visit past blog posts, you will see that I experimented sexually with women over the past few years. So much so, that I do actually consider myself bisexual. I am still attracted to both sexes. Just as being heterosexual, however, I do not choose to have sexual encounters with either sex outside of my relationship.

Some of these sexual encounters were with married girlfriends who wanted to experience something new outside of their marriage. In most cases, their husbands consented to this experimentation. In some cases, not. In all of those cases, surprisingly, both the husbands that did know and those that didn't know NOW consider any such experimentation as cheating. Sadly, these husbands now do not trust their wives, my friends, to have any sort of alone time with me. They do not trust me - as a single person or as a bisexual person.

Yet another reason not to get involved with someone who's married, male or female.

*sigh* I know all of this NOW.

This one particular girlfriend has recently suggested that she would like to have sex with me again.

I turned her down.

I can sense restlessness in her. I know it isn't me, in particular, that she feels like she is missing. She wants to play more. She is feeling stuck, yet refuses to discuss these anxious feelings with her husband out of fear.

It didn't surprise me at all, later, when she told me of other women who seemed to be coming on to her. She is, unknowingly or not, putting out the "vibe" that she is willing to "go there".

I know this. I did it too. I actually have to be aware of this.

She hasn't admitted it to me but I believe now that she has taken on another female lover. And her husband, who senses her restlessness, is fearfully assuming that she's spending time with me. And that could... lead to other things...

She's using me as her alibi.

Ya know, I'm just trying to shine my light. I'm trying to humbly live a life of lessons learned. I'm doing my best not to judge others' mistakes that invariably seem so familiar. I'm trying to live authentically.

But the past comes back to us, doesn't it? Some people don't choose to be honest and there's nothing I can do about that except to offer some version of tough love. I cannot and will not be an enabler to someone who chooses to live a lie.

I love her. I really do. I can't help but notice that she isn't the first of those in my life who have asked me to aid in their deceit (especially this year!).

If I choose not to, does that make me judgmental?

If I choose to continue to be honest, does that make me 'holier than thou'?

If I choose to shine my light, when others are afraid of their own, does that make me a bad friend?

I'm trying to understand...


  1. I've heard that women are far more likely to take on a lover before they take the steps to end a marriage and that's probably what's going on with this friend. I don't think it's judgmental to choose not to be a part of her deceit. She's just in a very different place than you are right now.

  2. Choosing to be authentic and true to yourself and to honor your relationship with Rascal isn't being judgmental or holier than thou to your friend. It's all in how you deliver the message - you been there, you know what she's going through and you can talk to her from a place of understanding and compassion, with her best interests at heart. How she chooses to take that is up to her.

  3. Veronica and I had a friend, she was actually Veronica's first ever female lover (when I was away, dammit! Though I did know it was going on...) who ended up having an affair with another man. For quite a while Veronica was her alibi, without being told that she was. This friends hubby new about Veronica and her, which made it a convenient excuse.

    We take the (admittedly selfish) approach that someone else's infidelity isn't our problem.

    I'm not sure what to tell you about this friend...

  4. You're in a tough spot, T. You simply got to sit back and ask yourself what will leave you with a better feeling in the pit of your stomach.

    I think you know what the answer is but you're afraid of following-through with it.

    You'll end up doing what's best for you.

  5. Agree with CBG, you will do what is best for you. I also think that fearing being labeled judgemental is (or should be) unfounded, because you're not. You ARE authentic because you learn from past mistakes. Not judgemental or holier than thou because you won't make the same mistake twice.

  6. I understand this! I am battling with a very similar issue - its not related to sex but its about me choosing NOT to accept/condone behaviour I do not agree with - EVENTHOUGH I have, in the past, done the same thing.

    I think you are doing the right thing.

  7. I think it's important to live your life in such a way so that when you lay your head down at night, you can be satisfied with your actions. I say "satisfied" and not "happy" because there's a difference there, isn't there?

    Do what is best for you...without fear of being judged for it. Because one important thing I've learned in life is that people are going to judge you no matter what you do...

  8. A friend who asks you to lie and puts you in a bad position isn't much of a friend. I've discovered this in my own life lately. Do what you are comfortable with. Do what's best for you.

    Big hugs.

  9. I know personally, I couldn't do it. And I know I would have confronted her.

    Why cause upset, confusion, and drama in your life, because she has it in her's? That's not your responsibility or burden to carry.

  10. Well, you know this one is going to hit me on every level right now. I think you said it to me best. Sticking to your boundaries and being true to yourself actually helps others. Plus, it makes us feel better about ourselves and that leads to self love! I for one am proud of you for saying no!


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