Since Gentleman Jack has been in my life, I feel more certain than ever that I want to live an authentic life.
GJ and I are honest, as often and as much as we can be. I'm sure there are things we may not say but this is definitely the most consensually honest relationship I've ever had.
Unfortunately, not all relationships are like that... for instance, my marriage. I have to remind myself of that now and again. Maybe at some future point, Jack and I could stop communicating the way we do. It all remains to be seen.
I say all of that because recently, a girlfriend, with whom I've been intimate, is having difficulties in her marriage.
If you visit past blog posts, you will see that I experimented sexually with women over the past few years. So much so, that I do actually consider myself bisexual. I am still attracted to both sexes. Just as being heterosexual, however, I do not choose to have sexual encounters with either sex outside of my relationship.
Some of these sexual encounters were with married girlfriends who wanted to experience something new outside of their marriage. In most cases, their husbands consented to this experimentation. In some cases, not. In all of those cases, surprisingly, both the husbands that did know and those that didn't know NOW consider any such experimentation as cheating. Sadly, these husbands now do not trust their wives, my friends, to have any sort of alone time with me. They do not trust me - as a single person or as a bisexual person.
Yet another reason not to get involved with someone who's married, male or female.
*sigh* I know all of this NOW.
This one particular girlfriend has recently suggested that she would like to have sex with me again.
I turned her down.
I can sense restlessness in her. I know it isn't me, in particular, that she feels like she is missing. She wants to play more. She is feeling stuck, yet refuses to discuss these anxious feelings with her husband out of fear.
It didn't surprise me at all, later, when she told me of other women who seemed to be coming on to her. She is, unknowingly or not, putting out the "vibe" that she is willing to "go there".
I know this. I did it too. I actually have to be aware of this.
She hasn't admitted it to me but I believe now that she has taken on another female lover. And her husband, who senses her restlessness, is fearfully assuming that she's spending time with me. And that could... lead to other things...
She's using me as her alibi.
Ya know, I'm just trying to shine my light. I'm trying to humbly live a life of lessons learned. I'm doing my best not to judge others' mistakes that invariably seem so familiar. I'm trying to live authentically.
But the past comes back to us, doesn't it? Some people don't choose to be honest and there's nothing I can do about that except to offer some version of tough love. I cannot and will not be an enabler to someone who chooses to live a lie.
I love her. I really do. I can't help but notice that she isn't the first of those in my life who have asked me to aid in their deceit (especially this year!).
If I choose not to, does that make me judgmental?
If I choose to continue to be honest, does that make me 'holier than thou'?
If I choose to shine my light, when others are afraid of their own, does that make me a bad friend?
I'm trying to understand...