"You're in that space of resistance," he reminded me, "where you know too much to go back but you're too scared to go forward."
Yep, and I've been there before.
"You need to PUSH through that!"
Ok, but how?
Gentleman Jack's mother is a spiritual seeker, like I am. She's been on her own path that she's excitedly shared with me from time to time.
One of her friends, who is also studying the same course, became a client of Jack's a few weeks ago. She too began sharing some information with him. Later that night, he and I talked about it. He showed interest in it and noted especially that this lady reminded him of me and how "inspired" and "assured" she was in her life.
I blew it off. My resistance to spiritual surrender has been strong lately, as obvious by my angry rants and pissy moods.
Something, though, has to be said about embracing that pissiness. I'm so glad I did. I feel SO much lighter than I was just a few days ago. Then in the shower yesterday, where I frequently receive my cosmic guidance, I remembered this course that Jack's mother and friend were taking.
The course is very similar to A Course in Miracles and helps to put the concepts into practice in your daily life. I've looked into some of the materials since yesterday. I've spoken to Jack's mom, Jack and his mom's friend in the past 24 hours and I'm beginning to see some light again. I don't know if this is the path for me but I'm open to being inspired again. I've been fighting it so much these past few weeks.
Maybe it's time to allow myself to grow again. Maybe *I am* pushing through the fear.
I also want to thank all of you for essentially being on the same wavelength in the comments to yesterday's post about taking a break. (Yet even more proof that blogging is so damn good for me.)
I knew there was another way of looking at things but dang, when you're in it, it's hard to see the forest, ya know? You're right. I get so wrapped up in what I want our relationship to look like that I forget to love it for what it is. And the same can be said for my man too.
As I talked to my Gentleman's momma last night, I told her about his depression and how I wanted to help him.
"Ok, but let's start with you first." she said.
What a great reminder.
All in all, it does start with me. I'd love to share my life, my world, my spiritual path, my everything with him but I can't give ME up in the meanwhile. Then what would there be to share?!
Ya'll know that I know that, right?
This life is a constant choosing to allow. It is also a choice to see things differently than before if I allowed them to disturb my peace of mind. You readers helped me to see things differently and you've helped me all year long.
2010, well, I could go back and highlight the year in review but I don't want to. What's passed is past. I could also make a whole list of things I'd LIKE to do in 2011. I'd rather not. I'd rather set an intention to live my life with a gentle smile on my face, love in my heart and peace in my mind.
"In the Mind of God, there is a fully created image of you at your most creative. abundant and joyful. And there is a divine blueprint by which this image would take form in your life. It is not something you can MAKE happen, but it is something you can ALLOW to happen, by making the softening of your heart your primary goal. This is the meaning of spiritual surrender."
~ Marianne Williamson
I choose to go into the new year embracing all that I am at every moment, but also recognizing that I can choose again. The choice never goes away. The peace is always available, when I stop resisting and allow it.
2011, for me, will be about spiritual surrender.
God help me to let go of this idea of control and force. Help me to be aware of my power instead.
Help me to accept things that I cannot change and give me courage to change the things that I can.
Guide me along this path that I'm so resistant to. Thank you for never leaving my side. Help me to allow the divine footprint that you have planned for me.
Happy New Year, my friends.
Thanks for accepting me exactly the way I am.