Gentleman Jack could sense that I wasn't OK. I wasn't surprised when he said, "What is it, punkin? I can tell something's bothering you."
What was I supposed to say?
"Well, I'm PMS-ing and my brain is working overtime and it feels like there's this little devil on my shoulder that's pulling out all of these little one liners out of context to basically prove that I'm not worthy of consideration of marriage or anything serious and that I may possibly be with the wrong person because you still have your own stuff to deal with and can't offer me what I think I need but then again, maybe I don't need it because any other time of the month I feel fine and happy and content and then I wonder if maybe that is why I'm questioning so much because this seems to be the healthiest relationship I've ever been in and maybe part of me wants to end it because I'm not good enough but then again, I'm all 'dammit! I am good enough' but then I wonder if you think so and then you do something really sweet and loving and beyond what anyone has ever offered me before and it takes my breath away and then I want more from you but you can't offer that because you have stuff to deal with and can only offer so much or else you do something that pisses me off and both of those make me wonder if I'm with the wrong man but I can't possibly imagine anyone ever loving me like you do..."
He doesn't know what to say about that. And I can't even explain what sort of answer would make it go away.
I'm not sure what to think during this time of my cycle when emotion overcomes logic. Are these thoughts real even though they're very contradictory in nature? And why now? Why only every now and then and not all of the time? And why only when I'm not with him? And should I listen to them?
I love him.
We have fun.
He is not hurting me.
I feel happy with him in my life.
So why these thoughts? Are they real or just fear once again rearing its ugly head? Even still, they keep coming up so I must look at them.
And why, WHY does he have to answer with, "Well, I wouldn't blame you if you decided that you wanted more than I can offer... I don't have my shit together and you do. I would be devastated and very sad and I would fight you but I wouldn't fault you for it. "
Although I don't know what I need him to say to make me feel better, THAT ISN'T IT!!
Then I'm processing that entire conversation all day. I'm pissed that he feels so resigned to the situation he's in. I'm pissed that he says he wants the same things that I do but just doesn't know how to make it work. I'm pissed that he says, "If we're meant to be together, we will be together" because DUH, I know that but you also have to take some action. Do more. Get your shit together...
Then I feel bad because I know he's trying and working harder now than I've ever seen before. I feel bad because I know he loves me and wants to be with me but just can't see the forest for the trees.
Then I go back to being pissed because we're so very different people and I freak him out sometimes. I am just ME. I can't be anyone else. So, I think, "Well, I may scare him off." but he's honest about how it feels to him. He doesn't ask me to change. And he doesn't run away either. No, he's still there. Still consistently loving as ever.
Then I feel bad again...
Then a thought comes to me after replaying a quote that I saw this morning over and over again in my head:
"Don't ask the person, or people, that helped you to define what you want to become what you want so that you can have what you want." ~Abraham-Hicks
That's when I realize GJ's role.
He is helping me define what I want.
I cannot ask of Gentleman Jack anything more than he is giving. No, I have to accept him where he is, love him and decide if we have the same desire to reach the same goal.
I am the one who has been restless lately. I am the one who is celebrating 4 years of single parenthood vs. his 1 1/2 years. I am the one who feels a sense of where is this going?
I pulled out my list of traits I want in a man. I thought about all the ways that Gentleman Jack fits this list. I realized that I also need to decide what I want my future to look like. I am unsure. I am still torn between being happily independent and desiring a full-time partner to share love and life with.
I remembered another message that I've read:
"Only what we withhold is lacking in any situation."
~ A Course in Love
I realized that GJ's seeming resignation and lack of certainty is MY OWN. He doesn't express it like I do. He doesn't PMS. He feels it, feels a bit bad and then shakes it off. Or he expresses it in those moments when he says to me, "This didn't make me feel comfortable."
Neither of us feels worthy OR sure of this. Both of us are struggling with this, the uncertainty, the fear, the worry, the wondering, the "is this the one that I'm supposed to be with and if so, PLEASE figure out a way...."
All that I can do is decide. Decide what I want. Decide how I wish to feel. Decide what I desire in the future. Set my very powerful intention.
And then be OK if my Gentleman fits or not.