Tuesday, March 30, 2010

PMS, Processing, Powerful intention

Feel free to skip or ignore this post. This is written purely for my own sake. This is ME processing...

***

Gentleman Jack could sense that I wasn't OK. I wasn't surprised when he said, "What is it, punkin? I can tell something's bothering you."

What was I supposed to say?

"Well, I'm PMS-ing and my brain is working overtime and it feels like there's this little devil on my shoulder that's pulling out all of these little one liners out of context to basically prove that I'm not worthy of consideration of marriage or anything serious and that I may possibly be with the wrong person because you still have your own stuff to deal with and can't offer me what I think I need but then again, maybe I don't need it because any other time of the month I feel fine and happy and content and then I wonder if maybe that is why I'm questioning so much because this seems to be the healthiest relationship I've ever been in and maybe part of me wants to end it because I'm not good enough but then again, I'm all 'dammit! I am good enough' but then I wonder if you think so and then you do something really sweet and loving and beyond what anyone has ever offered me before and it takes my breath away and then I want more from you but you can't offer that because you have stuff to deal with and can only offer so much or else you do something that pisses me off and both of those make me wonder if I'm with the wrong man but I can't possibly imagine anyone ever loving me like you do..."

*catches breath*

He doesn't know what to say about that. And I can't even explain what sort of answer would make it go away.

I'm not sure what to think during this time of my cycle when emotion overcomes logic. Are these thoughts real even though they're very contradictory in nature? And why now? Why only every now and then and not all of the time? And why only when I'm not with him? And should I listen to them?

I love him.
We have fun.
He is not hurting me.
I feel happy with him in my life.

So why these thoughts? Are they real or just fear once again rearing its ugly head? Even still, they keep coming up so I must look at them.

And why, WHY does he have to answer with, "Well, I wouldn't blame you if you decided that you wanted more than I can offer... I don't have my shit together and you do. I would be devastated and very sad and I would fight you but I wouldn't fault you for it. "

Although I don't know what I need him to say to make me feel better, THAT ISN'T IT!!

***

Then I'm processing that entire conversation all day. I'm pissed that he feels so resigned to the situation he's in. I'm pissed that he says he wants the same things that I do but just doesn't know how to make it work. I'm pissed that he says, "If we're meant to be together, we will be together" because DUH, I know that but you also have to take some action. Do more. Get your shit together...

Then I feel bad because I know he's trying and working harder now than I've ever seen before. I feel bad because I know he loves me and wants to be with me but just can't see the forest for the trees.

Then I go back to being pissed because we're so very different people and I freak him out sometimes. I am just ME. I can't be anyone else. So, I think, "Well, I may scare him off." but he's honest about how it feels to him. He doesn't ask me to change. And he doesn't run away either. No, he's still there. Still consistently loving as ever.

Then I feel bad again...

***

Then a thought comes to me after replaying a quote that I saw this morning over and over again in my head:

"Don't ask the person, or people, that helped you to define what you want to become what you want so that you can have what you want." ~Abraham-Hicks


That's when I realize GJ's role.

He is helping me define what I want.

I cannot ask of Gentleman Jack anything more than he is giving. No, I have to accept him where he is, love him and decide if we have the same desire to reach the same goal.

I am the one who has been restless lately. I am the one who is celebrating 4 years of single parenthood vs. his 1 1/2 years. I am the one who feels a sense of where is this going?

I pulled out my list of traits I want in a man. I thought about all the ways that Gentleman Jack fits this list. I realized that I also need to decide what I want my future to look like. I am unsure. I am still torn between being happily independent and desiring a full-time partner to share love and life with.

I remembered another message that I've read:

"Only what we withhold is lacking in any situation."
~ A Course in Love


I realized that GJ's seeming resignation and lack of certainty is MY OWN. He doesn't express it like I do. He doesn't PMS. He feels it, feels a bit bad and then shakes it off. Or he expresses it in those moments when he says to me, "This didn't make me feel comfortable."

Neither of us feels worthy OR sure of this. Both of us are struggling with this, the uncertainty, the fear, the worry, the wondering, the "is this the one that I'm supposed to be with and if so, PLEASE figure out a way...."

All that I can do is decide. Decide what I want. Decide how I wish to feel. Decide what I desire in the future. Set my very powerful intention.

And then be OK if my Gentleman fits or not.

Monday, March 29, 2010

A Food Revolution

Oh how I remember the days of being a stay-at-home mother of one... or even at two children... when I was at home, I was the CEO of my household.

One of my major concerns was the type of foods that went into the bodies of my daughters. I even went so far as choosing the daycare options, once I went back to work, based on what food choices they offered the kids. I stayed away from artificial ingredients and processed foods. My daughters never drank soda or ate french fries. They got sweets but only rarely and even then it was a special treat. I preferred homemade meals or items made with few items... and those items were as close to their natural state as possible.

Yeah well, there are a lot of things that slip by the wayside once you become a single parent!

I'm not near as particular as I was back in the day. I am happy, however, that many of those habits remain. I developed some pretty particular taste buds in my little girls. They will be the first ones to tell you that things like cotton candy are WAY too sweet or that french fries are only ok in moderation or how many fruits they ate that day compared to vegetables.

We still eat dessert and enjoy our junk foods. In moderation. We read labels and avoid things like high fructose corn syrup, trans fats and other unpronounceable ingredients. We mostly shop the perimeter of the grocery store for fresh food items and cook at home as much as possible.

I honestly believe that a balance of these things, plus the use of natural medicine and good exercise, help keep all of us healthy, happy, and strong. I also believe that healthy foods make better students as well.

So when I saw the advertisement for Jamie Oliver's Food Revolution, I knew that I'd be a fan!

In the show, Jamie takes on the unhealthiest city in America and challenges America to take a closer look at the food that we put in our bodies and the bodies of our children. He is a British chef who, aside from being a popular face on the Food Network, apparently changed the British school food program. He would like to see the same thing happen in this country.



The show premiered on Friday evening and though I haven't watched it yet, it is recorded on my DVR. I also signed his petition for this food revolution. He plans to take the petition to the White House to show that America wants to be healthy. The badge for the petition is on my right side bar. Click it and sign.

Or better yet, tune in on Fridays at 9 p.m. EST on ABC. See if it doesn't make you think. He's so passionate about what he's doing that you can't help but get on board.

Sunday, March 28, 2010

Plans... and babies

Tomorrow is 4 years since I asked my ex-husband to leave. For four years, I have been a single parent. When I think back and imagine that my children were 4 and 1 at the time... and I had no job and a huge, impossible mortgage... I wonder, "What in the hell was I thinking?!"

*smile*

God apparently had other plans for me...

***

Speaking of plans, one of the regrets of my failed marriage was that I always wanted to have a third child. Now, it is 4 years later, I'm 40 and I'm thinking, "Yep. That's it. I'm done."

Did you hear that? Yep, baby-factory doors are closed.

The only problem is: that's easier said than done.

I may be 40 and thinking I don't want to have another baby but my body is still able to produce an egg. And Gentleman Jack is still makin' sperm. So....

The past few weeks, I've been in heavy discussions with my ob/gyn about birth control. I've had the Mirena IUD since Grace was born. I haven't had a single problem with it. As a matter of fact, I love it and wish I could keep it until I reach menopause!

(For the record, Gentleman Jack and I both were tested for STD's before we began having condom-less sex. I think its very important for health reasons. And it also helped build a LOT of trust between us.)

Unfortunately, the Mirena runs its course after 5 years. Now that it is time for a replacement, Merck has decided to increase the price of the Mirena and my insurance will not cover it. Therefore my options are to go back to pills, patches, rings and such (no thank you), get the copper Paragard IUD or get the Essure permanent birth control. Paragard lasts for 10 years and is non-hormonal. I'm considering it over the Essure even though I've heard that it takes some getting used to.

Gentleman Jack has also been toying with the idea of a vasectomy. However, either way, I would still like to have my own birth control options covered.

I guess I'm a little nervous because of a trend I've noticed lately.

***

I have known 3 different single mothers in the past year who have re-married, moved-in or are planning weddings with their new love, and have become pregnant.

My friend Tisha had her baby boy last week. She found that she was pregnant within a few months of marrying her second husband.

Martini Mom
's long distance love finally moved in with her. Soon, she found that she too was with child. (I also love the way she explained it to her child.)

PT-Law Mom is planning a wedding with her fiancee, Mr V. Now she has to sell her dress and possibly change the wedding date because of a surprise pregnancy.

***

Is it in the water? Yikes.

What about any of you? Are you finished having children? Have you considered that your birth control could fail as it did in the above scenarios?

Even though my daughters have begged me for another baby, I'm going to have to do what I can to prevent it. Between Gentleman Jack and I, we already have 4 children.

Then again, (EEK!) who knows what life has in store for us anyway? Anything could happen (or not).

If you ever want to make God laugh, tell him your plans...

Thursday, March 25, 2010

Reach down between your legs and rub...

Then rub it all over your body.

Because apparently, men (and some women) like it.




Check out their website for more information on how you can own Vulva Original.

Really?

Really.

Thanks to my friend De for the link. We're very twick and sisted.

And for the rest of you pervs out there, I can't even believe this or this is on youtube.

I so need to grow up...

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

The Inspiration for the Quest

Back in 2007, around the time of my father's death and dating a deploying soldier, I picked up a book that everyone was reading. I kept fighting it because it was TOO popular. However, the title was showing up everywhere in my experience so I figured the universe was trying to tell me something.

Funny, I even blogged about reading it in one of my earliest posts!

That book was Eat, Pray, Love by Elizabeth Gilbert.

I loved it instantly. I loved her voice. I loved her honesty. I loved her candor. I loved her search for herself.

I identified with her COMPLETELY.


Even down to the name of her boyfriend post divorce!

As I read that book, with all that was going on in my mind and my life, I knew that I was searching just like she was. I wanted to document it, just like she did. I wanted to be that honest and real and talk about things that we all felt as women, as sexual beings, as spiritual seekers, as humans.

And so I decided that month to start a blog. And that blog would have a name that would capture the idea of my search.

Her book was the impetus for the chronicle of my quest.

Today I saw that the movie is due out in August and I am beside myself giddy. I told Gentleman Jack that yes, it's a chick flick, but that he was absolutely going to see it with me. He agreed.

I love that he supports what makes me happy. Oh he makes me swoon still...

So I present to you, the trailer for Eat, Pray, Love. In theaters August 13, 2010.

Tuesday, March 23, 2010

My Sexuality, part 4

I decided in January to reexamine my sexuality after discovering a boundary issue in my relationship with Gentleman Jack.

In Part 1, I responded to a reader's comments about the boundary issue. In Part 2, I discussed my self-discovery and interest in sex beginning with childhood. In Part 3, I continued with my sexual explorations through my teen years.

I resume this exploration of my sexuality by picking up where I left off: The first time I was invited home by a man.

***

I was 18 years old and heavily infatuated with a gorgeous, olive-skinned Welsh rugby player named Gavin. I could sense that he felt comfortable with his sexual self. I wanted that. I wanted to BE that too.

The only other person I had met who intrigued, and intimidated, me in that same way was another of my male friends from high school. He exuded sexual confidence as well. He could have been my first sexual encounter, however, our timing was always off. We finally got together 22 years later only to have him deploy to Iraq, come home a different man and break my heart. But that's another story...

Gavin and I had met before but he paid little attention to me. I was a young bartender who cheered on the rugby team from the sidelines. He'd gone off to travel for several months and finally, upon his return, showed interest in me. I'd developed a sexual curiosity that could not be stifled and he sensed it.

That night, he bought me a few drinks and asked if I could drive him back to his apartment.

I jumped at the chance.

As we pulled in front of Gavin's apartment, his roommate, also a rugby teammate, was just leaving. Gavin and his roommate exchanged looks that made me a bit uneasy. I was, however, drawn to him and quickly dismissed it.

We sat inside and watched TV. We talked and he made me laugh. Soon we were kissing and touching. I remember swooning at his charming accent as he asked me to 'take my trousers off'. I was too nervous.

At some point, he decided to take a shower. I remember thinking that it was a sudden decision but I sat and watched as he walked towards the bathroom. He motioned for me to come in as well.

I stood in the bathroom as his perfect body was exposed to me. He stepped into the shower as if I weren't even there. I stood, shuffling my feet, unsure what to do. Then he peaked his head out from behind the shower curtain and beckoned, "Come on in."

I have to giggle when I picture this scene. I saw myself in the mirror. I was shaking my head "no" but my hands were quickly pulling all of my clothes off. I stepped into the shower and joined him.

In the shower, I shielded my body from his view. I loosened up as he held me under the shower head, complimenting me the entire time. He washed my hair and my body, doting and adoring every inch of me. I felt comfortable and a little light headed.

He turned off the shower and wrapped me in a towel. I was melting at his "gentlemanly" ways. In my naive eyes, he was treating me very respectfully.

He lead me to the bedroom where he quickly dropped his towel (nice ASS!) and crawled under the covers. He pulled back the other side of the covers and patted the bed.

Again, I remember thinking "no" as I dropped my towel and joined him there.

He wrapped his arms around my still damp and naked body. He was gentle and caressed my skin. He offered more compliments to help me feel comfortable. I faced him and we kissed more, petting heavily, but my hand could never go below his chest. He didn't go any further either.

I was nervous but trusting. I wanted to do this.

I just didn't know what *this* was.

He could sense my hesitation. I had to admit it. I had to tell him that I'd never done this before. When I finally said the word "virgin", he stopped, thought for a moment and said, "I promise I will not make you do anything you do not want to do."

I had to laugh. My brain had said I didn't want any of this but my body wasn't listening.

He then asked, "Do you touch yourself?"

Of course I admitted to being quite a pro at that!

He then offered that we masturbate together. Side by side, we rubbed ourselves. He used words I'd never heard spoken before. He encouraged me and it turned him on. I was heady but still too nervous to allow myself to reach climax. When he did, he came all over my belly.

"It will make your skin soft...."

.....

I remember lying next to him and beaming. He was asleep with a smile on his face. I had just discovered something new about myself.

I really wanted to know even more about sex.

I couldn't believe that he didn't take advantage of me. I was giddy as I left a note on his counter and let myself out.

The next day and following weeks, he avoided me and acted as if I didn't exist.

The funny thing was, it didn't hurt me. I wasn't happy about it but I wasn't surprised about it either. I was ready to explore more. I had my first encounter with a man and I was thrilled! I'd also gained the attention of the gorgeous guy that I crushed on! (In bed at least.)

I felt powerful and strong. 

Sex looked like fun. An endless amount of fun. Men could be trusted. And some men only wanted sex.
 

These were all new lessons for me. I took these lessons and learned even more as I entered into my first real relationship.

to be continued.... part 5

Monday, March 22, 2010

My Sexuality, part 3

I wrote in January that I would be reexamining my sexuality. The first post I wrote was in response to a reader's comments regarding a boundary issue between my Gentleman and me.

The boundary issue is precisely why I am taking a deeper look at my motivations and history with sex.

In the second post, I covered how I came into my sexuality from childhood and through my teen years.

I want to continue this with exploration through my late teen years and some of my first sexual experiences.

---

After an impromptu Madonna impersonation at a friend's party junior year, I was quickly escalated in popularity at school. Almost overnight, I had an entirely new group of friends. More specifically, these friends were boys.

One by one, I found out that these new friends had developed crushes on me. I was overwhelmed by it all and still painfully shy. However, a part of me began to unfold. I discovered a new power.

I very quickly learned that when a guy finds you attractive, he will do almost anything for you.

I'd like to say that I used this power to my advantage. I'd like to say that I landed the guy that I crushed on. Those things didn't happen. I was still growing into that power and sexuality.

What did happen, however, was that I built relationships with 5 guys, who became my best friends, taught me how to feel comfortable with the opposite sex, took very good care of me and remain friends to this day.

The guys that I couldn't woo with my new found charm and sexuality? Well, they were more than happy to flirt right back and act interested, but I still hadn't harnessed the power by that point. Instead I showered them with unrequited attention and they enjoyed every minute of it.

***

My first kiss was junior year and delivered shortly after the aforementioned party by one of the 5 guys that I befriended. I was surprised by it, as I'd never had another person's tongue in my mouth before. I remember pushing him away, smiling, saying goodbye and then rushing to the back of my house to rinse out my mouth with a water hose.

During the rest of high school, I learned to enjoy kissing. At various events and parties, I would end up with a friend or someone that I crushed on and we would kiss. A lot. I would press against them, allow them to touch me over my clothes and go weak when they responded.

It never went any further than that.

The next day at school, I would be ignored. My confidence would be shattered. Then at the next party, I would give in. I guess, after a while, they all knew they could get a good grope of T.

***

I was set up on a blind date during my senior year of high school. The guy was handsome and said all of the right things. I remember after the dance riding in the back seat with him. His kisses melted me... and I let his hand slip under my dress. He was sensual, a pro at rubbing me the right way. It was the first time someone else had helped me reach an orgasm. Unfortunately, he made a habit of offering the same service to other girls as well.

Thus, not for a lack of trying, I never had a boyfriend while in high school. I remained true to the 5 guys who were my best friends. I loved them. They adored me and did everything for me. But I had no sexual interest in them at all.

So I never had sex.

***

After high school and on to college, I was still very interested in sex. I knew people were having it and I wanted to know what it was about.

I had a male friend in college who was just as virginal and interested in sex as I was. One afternoon, he asked me to a movie. We decided to make it a porn movie.

We walked into the XXX theater and sat amongst the men with their newspapers. We watched the movie in awe and both began squirming in our seats. After the movie, we talked about how we wanted to try sex but were too nervous. We went to a nearby park and talked more. Finally we decided to play strip Rock, Scissors, Paper (Ha!) in the darkness of the evening.

It was the first time either of us had seen the opposite sex naked.

Nothing happened.

***

During my early college years, I was a bartender. The local rugby team frequented the bar and there, among the rough and tumble men, was... Gavin.

Such a beautiful specimen of man. He had a thick head of black curly hair, dark olive skin, piercing green eyes and a powerful muscular body. He was also the son of wealthy parents in Wales and was touring the world because he had nothing else to do. I thought he was gorgeous and the accent(!)... He saw me as nothing more than a pretty young girl.

It wasn't until he left for 6 months and came back that he saw me differently. By that time, I was sexually frustrated and could sense his raw animal sexuality. In this Welsh accent, I can still hear him say,

"Wow. You've really grown up since I last saw you."

After a few drinks, he asked me if I could drive him home...

continued in part 4

***

Looking back over this, I can see my dissatisfaction with the people who thought I was worth more. These 5 male friends all thought of me (and still do!) as amazing, intelligent, beautiful, worthy... and I couldn't see it in myself.

Instead, I wanted the boys I couldn't have. I wanted the ones who saw me as nothing special at all. I wanted the ones who would use me, touch me, treat me like a bad girl.

I am very fortunate that there was something in my mind - some boundary - that stopped me from going any further than I did.

I'm learning more about that boundary now.

Sunday, March 21, 2010

Random thoughts on Spring

Yesterday was the first day of spring and we received MORE snow in Dallas. Ok,OK, Miss Winter, I get the point! Can we have some spring now please?

I'm feeling very restless and in the mood for spring cleaning.

I spent a good portion of yesterday cleaning up the blog. After recent Internet Explorer and Firefox updates, the blog was looking terrible. I had to update my template and I lost all of my blog rolls, etc. I still have much work to do.

I did organize my labels as sort of a "map of the quest". Hopefully the quest map will knock out two things I needed - a who's who and my label list. I might even do the same thing with my archives.

Let me know your thoughts and suggestions.

***

Spring makes me want to get out more.

Friday night, Gem and I took my girls and one of their friends to the Dallas Museum of Art's Late Nights at the DMA. They had lots of fun activities all centered around the Alice in Wonderland theme. I was happy to go because I want to explore with my girls all of the fun that Dallas has to offer.

The DMA had a scavenger hunt that lead us around the museum. I was able to introduce the kids to lots of different types of art and artifacts. Rose, my little creative mind, was intrigued by all of the art. Grace could take it or leave it.

That is... until we found the fertility statues in the African collection. I thought Grace was going to pee her pants she was laughing so hard when she saw statues of a fertility couple. Of course, each figure was complete with the proper parts.

"Mom!" Rose exclaimed, "Why are they naked?! Isn't that totally inappropriate?!"

Oh my! They definitely give me a whole new perspective on things.

***

This time a year is my favorite because we can also spend more time outside.

My ex-husband taught Rose how to ride her bike last weekend. He was so proud. I hope to get her on it more. I've done so many bike tours and races where kids are riding right along side their moms and dads. I would love to include my girls in my athletic activities.

I will be riding in a 2-day 160 mile bike ride for charity in a little over a month. I need to get my bike tuned up and get my hoohah re-acquainted with an extreme amount of time on the bike seat. I've not been focusing on cycling as much as cross-training.

Its time to focus, people!!


***

I spent last weekend in St. Petersburg, FL visiting a friend. Gentleman Jack was there on business too. What a gorgeous time of year!



Now I'm getting the itch to make another trip to San Francisco for a friend's wedding.

Spring has brought in the travel bug.


***

Spring has also left me feeling like its time to make one big HUGE to-do list. My house and my car could use some extra love.

I could use some extra love too! I'm missin' my man.

I think I'll get outside and breathe in some sunshine. Go away snow! Bring on the tulips, daffodils and azaleas!

Taken last spring in Holland


Happy Spring Ya'll!


"When you drink in nature through your senses, you deepen your awareness of the great silent intelligence flowing through all things. You nourish your mind, body, and spirit as you connect to the divine love of Being."
~ Deepak Chopra

Thursday, March 18, 2010

Different roads, Same Destination

I have to apologize for beginning and ending this week with posts relating to infidelity. I guess with all that's going on with my sister, and after reevaluating my own infidelity, the topic has been on my mind of late.

Gentleman Jack has admitted to me that since I've cheated before, he is worried that I could do it again. I told him that, in my mind, since he has never cheated, I would assume that he could do it.

"But I'm not like that," he said, "I know all of the hurt and pain that it would cause and so I avoid that at all costs."

Then there's me. Since I have done it before, and have personally experienced the pain caused on both sides of infidelity, I have no desire to do it again. Been there, done that.

We found it interesting that we seem to handle life differently. Whereas he avoids discomfort, sometimes I throw caution to the wind in the name of experience and then learn about the discomfort. I don't think I do this consciously. It seems to be what I have done thus far.

Maybe that is why it took til now for us to find each other. 

We took completely different roads and wound up at the same destination. 

*** 

My mom and I were discussing how my sister's husband is handling their situation, how Mom handled my father's infidelity and how I handled my ex-husband's infidelity. All of us resorted to spying. We wanted to know EVERYTHING so we didn't feel like we were going crazy. We were being told lies and we wanted proof that we were right!

"Why would you do that?" asked Gentleman Jack. "When I knew my wife was cheating, I didn't need proof. If they're lying and you know it, why try to prove you're right and they're wrong? Do you want to be right? You know when the trust is gone. That's when I knew the marriage was over. Why would you want proof of how much they were hurting you?"

I found these conversations interesting because we were in similar situations and did different things.

I would think most people would want proof. Then again, Gentleman Jack has a point. Why look for details when you're already hurting and your marriage will most likely never recover?

My husband didn't want to know details when I finally admitted to my affair. He didn't ask questions. He didn't show much of any response, quite frankly. He did ask, however, when I began questioning him about his own affair.

Ugh. Not so fond memories.

Now I'm curious... how did you handle infidelity in your marriage? Did you spy too? Were you the one spied on?

Wednesday, March 17, 2010

A Happy Day

I know me and sometimes I just need to be outside. Fresh air and sunshine makes me a happy, HAPPY girl.

Last week, I was ticked at my ex because I was trying to make some plans for the kids and I to go camping sometime this week. I wanted to use the pop-up camper that the ex and I bought - which, currently, is nothing more than an over-priced playhouse in his backyard. Unfortunately, he has not been maintaining the license on the camper and thus, I was unable to use it. He's promising to get it up to snuff before summer so he can take the girls camping. I'm going to have faith in him. He's been surprising me lately.

After realizing the camper idea was out, I decided to rent a cabin. It is spring break and we could only be out for one night. Personally, I'm a tent sort of girl. I have no problem going in the woods. My girls, however, haven't been exposed to that much 'roughing it' yet so a cabin would work just fine.

I talked to my mom, a long time camper herself, who asked if she could come out and bring my sister's kids too. Then I found out that my brother was coming. And my sister would show up too. Gem thought it sounded fun and decided to pop in at the last minute.

It was exactly what the doctor ordered!

Our home by the lake - for one night



I wanna kayak too!!



I had to take a picture of the mallards for Gentleman Jack



A gorgeous sunset and perfect weather



An advertisement for Texas



Ahhhh! Beautiful sky



I love a good campfire on a chilly night


We laughed. We went on nature walks. We enjoyed ducks and gulls and geese and turtles and squirrels and howling coyotes in the distance at dusk. We grilled burgers, hot dogs and steaks. I enjoyed some vodka tonics, while others enjoyed beer and wine. We made s'mores and met our camping neighbors. My brother brought out his guitar and we sang around the campfire. We reminisced about camping trips from our childhood and our dad. We took a ton of silly photographs. The kids searched for shamrocks in celebration of St. Patrick's day. Gentleman Jack was there in spirit and declared, "You really are a great match for me!"

And that made me smile.

Mostly, it made me smile because I was already smiling. I was enjoying myself, feeling the love from my family and reconnecting with nature.

The 'make me happy' thing doesn't start with Gentleman Jack or any sort of changes to our situation. Things won't be better as long as I'm stuck in the 'if only' state of mind. I know this but I don't always remember.

The happiness starts with me.

Tuesday, March 16, 2010

Need Love? Call Technical Support.

INSTALLING PROGRAM "LOVE"

Tech Support: Yes, how can I help you?

Customer: Well, after much consideration, I've decided to install Love. Can you guide me through the process?

T.S.: Yes. I can help you. Are you ready to proceed?

C: Well, I'm not very technical, but I think I'm ready. What do I do first?

T.S.: The first step is to open your Heart. Have you located your Heart?

C: Yes, but there are several other programs running now. Is it okay to install Love while they are running?

T.S.: What programs are running?

C: Let's see, I have Past Hurt, Low Self-Esteem, Grudge, and Resentment running right now.

T.S.: No problem. Love will gradually delete Past Hurt from your current operating system. It may remain in your permanent memory, but it will no longer disrupt other programs. Love will eventually override Low Self-Esteem with a module of its own called High Self-Esteem. However, you have to completely turn off Grudge and Resentment. Those programs prevent Love from being properly installed. Can you turn those off?

C: I don't know how to turn them off. Can you tell me how?

T.S.: With pleasure. Go to your Start menu and invoke Forgiveness. Do this as many times as necessary until Grudge and Resentment have been completely deleted.

C: Okay, done! Love has started installing itself. Is that normal?

T.S.: Yes, but remember that you have only the base program. You need to begin connecting to other Hearts in order to get the upgrades.

C: Oops! I have an error message already. It says, "Error - Program not run on external components." What should I do?

T.S.: Don't worry. It means that the Love program is set up to run on Internal Hearts, but has not yet been run on your Heart. In non-technical terms, it simply means you have to Love yourself before you can Love others.

C: So what should I do?

T.S.: Pull down Self-Acceptance; then click on the following files: Forgive-Self; Realize Your Worth; and Acknowledge Your Limitations.

C: Okay, done.

T.S.: Now copy them to the "My Heart" directory. The system will overwrite any conflicting files and begin patching faulty programming. Also, you need to delete Verbose Self-Criticism from all directories and empty your Recycle Bin to make sure it is completely gone and never comes back.

C: Got it. Hey! My Heart is filling up with new files. Smile is playing on my monitor and Peace and Contentment are copying themselves all over my Heart. Is this normal?

T.S.: Sometimes. For others, it takes awhile, but eventually gets it at the proper time. So, Love is installed and running. One more thing before we hang up. Love is Freeware. Be sure to give it and its various components to everyone you meet. They will in turn, share it with others and return some cool components back to you.

C: Thank you, God.

T.S.: You are welcome. LOVE is the program which allows you to run as you were designed to run. Without it, you could never operate properly, no matter which other programs you ran.


Author Unknown.

(As a former techie myself, I adore this!!!)

Monday, March 15, 2010

"Visit your heart and just breathe"

I've been writing these past few weeks about allowing. I've been writing about it but not always doing it. Even David at Dadshouse pointed out in a comment, "I know this blog is a journey of self discovery, but you sure are stuck in your head. So many thoughts! Visit your heart, and just breathe :-)"

I wish I could say that I've been doing that. The reason I've been writing about allowing is because I needed to hear it. We always teach what we need to learn.

I've been doing my best to allow on many different levels but mostly in my relationship with Gentleman Jack. You see, fear has taken hold. Worries about the future. What's going to happen? Is he "the one"? Can we make this work?

In two months, we will have been together an entire year. While, logically, neither of us knows what will happen tomorrow... and quite frankly, I rather enjoy our relationship the way it is now... there is this little planner/control freak in me that wants to know:

WHAT IS GOING TO HAPPEN NEXT???

During the 10 months we've been together, I've learned much about who he is and who he wants to be. I'm still learning. Part of me is scared because there are things I've learned that I am not fond of. I wonder, "Can I live with that?"

Then there are many roadblocks: separate lives in separate towns, financial issues, exes who co-parent with us, job opportunities, his "plan"... (just to name a few).

I'm not sure what to do next. Continue and push for more? Break it off? Those thoughts are not logical. I don't believe that I want things to change right now. No, those thoughts are based on pure fear.

I also wonder if I'm "nesting". Just as with a future as a parent, women naturally begin to build a life to prepare for that child. I almost feel as if I should be preparing for a life with Gentleman Jack. But its not happening anytime soon. Neither of us can see how. So then what? Do I continue the plan to live my life as a single parent? What if my "plan" takes me further away from him?

Then I ask myself, Why am I worried so much about making a decision now?

Things seem so much more complex than when I was in my early 20's and in love. No kids. No baggage. No worries. I was all, "Here I am! Mold me into what you will!"

Its not that simple anymore.

Even as we spend time together, we are rarely without children around. Sometimes I resent our situation. Sometimes I wish things were different. Other times, he becomes the object of my discontent. I want to find bad things about him. I want to find a reason to throw in the towel. I want to find a way to control the outcome.

The unfortunate thing about looking for bad things is that you're going to find what you're looking for.

That's when I'm blocking the love. That's when I'm resisting all of the goodness that he has been offering.

Thus, I have not been a very nice girlfriend lately. I've not even been a good friend. I have nothing to give. I have been stuck in my head. I have been thinking too much. I've also got some screwed up hormones right now that aren't helping matters at all. I've been making little things into HUGE things and tried my best to justify why we wouldn't work.

My sweet, patient, calm love has told me that he will fight me "tooth and nail" if I try to call things off. He used to tell me that I made him "want to be a better man". Now, however, he can't seem to do a single thing right. He is reacting more. He is becoming less calm and patient and more defensive. He is telling me that my mind is already made up and there's no convincing me otherwise. He feels that he "can't win for losing" and its all because of me.

My fear. My crazy nesting instinct. My messed up hormones. My wanting to control the whole damn thing for no logical reason whatsoever.

I'm doing my best to turn this thing around. I am getting the hormonal issue taken care of as soon as I can. I am so grateful for his consistent love, even through my struggle and his exhaustion.

I want to allow him to love me. I choose to focus on the good things again, those things that made me fall in love with him to begin with.

How can he win unless I let him? And I SOOO want him to. I'm his biggest fan!

Again I thank you, bloggy readers and friends, for reminding me that I'm too intense for my own good. Thank you for indulging the thoughts that circle in my brain. If I'm worn out and Gentleman Jack is exhausted, I'm amazed that you're still reading!

Thank you for the reminder to simply "visit my heart and just breathe".

I am bound and determined to do so.


"Our natural state of being is joy, and it takes so much energy to think negative thoughts, to speak negative words, and to feel miserable. The easy path is good thoughts, good words, and good deeds.

Take the easy path."

~ Rhonda Byrne, The Secret Scrolls

Sunday, March 14, 2010

A bloggy conversation about Sex and Responsibility

This will be a dynamic blog post as I will clarify and answer questions as comments are posted. Please feel free to comment anonymously as well.

Imagine that you are single and out enjoying yourself. You're minding your own business, not looking for a relationship or hookup but find that you're readily attracting the attention of a gorgeous person. The chemistry is undeniable. You're talking, laughing, flirting... sexual innuendo abounds...

And then you notice the ring.

You approach the subject and this person doesn't deny that they're married. But the marriage is on the rocks and its only one night and you both really want it. The next thing you know, its 2 in the morning and this person is apologizing that they have to get back to their spouse. You had a blast and lived in the moment of it. You enjoyed yourself and know that you won't see each other again. No phone numbers are exchanged. The married person goes about their way and you go yours.

My question to you is this:

Do you take any responsibility at all in the act of cheating? Or were you simply enjoying yourself as a single person? After all, it was the married person who chose to cheat, not you. Do you have any regrets?

Would you or would you not have a one night stand with a married stranger?

***

The comments have been interesting from a male/female perspective and from a karmic perspective too.

I did have an affair on my husband with a married man. Prior to that happening, I would have said much of these same things. I had no intention of cheating on my husband, much less with someone who was married! I did feel sorry for the man I cheated with... I thought he was happy in his marriage and yet he'd fallen in love with me. It was intriguing and irresistible at the time, though it killed me to be hurting his wife.

Ah yes, Karma is a bitch.

When my husband cheated on me, not only was I angry at him, I was extremely upset at the other woman. I'll have to blog about the day I confronted her...

I've been on both sides and, with that experience, I would say never again.

However, I have been with married women since then. These women told their husbands they were with me too. It was fun, experimental, an experience for them to regain their feminine sexual power. Then, as with the previous cheating experience, it turned on me. Now, those same husbands are nervous about my being alone with their wives. I guess cheating is cheating, same sex or not.

Lesson learned.


***

Do you find that, because you have dealt with cheating in your relationship(s), you have a different perspective than before?

For those that have said you would do the one night stand and not feel guilty about it, have you ever been cheated on?

As a man, do you feel that a woman would only look outside of her marriage for sex if her spouse was not keeping her satisfied at home?

As a woman, do you believe the above statement to be true? Do you believe that a woman would look outside of her marriage if she wasn't satisfied? Sexually or emotionally? What about a man that seeks outside of his marriage?

And what if the relationship was over but the legal process hadn't been completed?

Thanks for all of these great comments!

Thursday, March 11, 2010

Overthinking vs Allowing

As I've become more self-aware, I am able to detect what happens in my brain during moments of overthinking vs. moments of allowing.


 When I'm allowing, I'm looking upon a clear blue sky. The sun is shining bright and happy. Even as a cloud passes here or there, I bless them and allow them to float on by. I see brightness and love. I'm smiling and nothing gets me down. Everything is as it should be, no matter what it appears to look like. I am breathing deeply. I'm a good mother and I'm a damn good girlfriend.




When I'm overthinking, I'm attaching emotion to every cloud in the sky. The sun is there, behind the clouds, but I'm not allowing it to shine through. Instead, I am drawing in more and more clouds. There's noise in my head and everything becomes reason to feel bad. Everything starts spinning out of control. I'm not very good at anything when that happens - much less being a good girlfriend.

Thankfully, I've learned that I CAN process things on my own. I've learned that I CAN come out of the storm on my own. Usually, in the post storm haze, the rainbow reminds me that the overthinking actually cleared the clouds. The spinning and processing actually brought up old pains and allowed me to rinse them away. I feel lighter.

I'm learning to allow the overthinking.

Because apparently, I have unprocessed emotion. I buried things, took on too much, tried so hard, carried hurt and pushed it down deep for years. Those things took their toll on me and I eventually sought out a medicinal solution to the pain. Antidepressants didn't help me process - they made me numb. In more ways than one, unfortunately.

I was very happy to get my orgasms back after weaning off of Zoloft. Just sayin.

***

When I allow the storms, I shut myself off. I've been taught that emotion = weakness from men in my life. A typical response that I would expect when I'm emotional is frustration or being tuned out. Gradually, I learned to hide it away in shame. I would beat myself up for feeling so deeply.

Now I am trying to allow whatever emotion I feel. However, because of the before mentioned stigma around emotion, I still pull away and deal with the pain on my own.

My friends want to be there for me but they know that I generally won't share. I'm hardheaded and I've taught them what I need during my storms.

I like to be alone, write (hence the blog), cry, sing, listen to music, ride my bike, watch movies, sleep. Then, lightness. The rain is gone.


***


I know how I wish to be treated during my storms but I'm having a difficult time teaching Gentleman Jack.


Bless his heart, he is a fixer. An intuitive one at that. He can sense when I'm storming and wants to help. I tell him that his suggestions are much appreciated but I'm storming now, please try again later.

He then feels like he's failed me in some way. Or he worries that the storm will never end. What he ends up doing, completely unintentionally, is creating more noise in my storm. Then suddenly, I can't breathe in the spinning and now I'm taking him down with me!

Argh! Its a vicious cycle.

Ironically, I do the same with him when he's storming. He's even voiced to me that when he feels bad and I'm trying to pull him up with positive thoughts, it has a negative effect. He said it makes him feel worse - as if he's doing everything wrong.

We're so alike. We're still learning about each other.

I like it better when he's the breeze in my hair on the sunshiny blue sky day instead of the noise in my storm.

It is not always easy to teach someone how you wish to be treated.

Thank goodness he's still patient enough to learn.

Wednesday, March 10, 2010

Humble Pie can be tasty

Yesterday, I'd decided to look back over the unprocessed emotion from the marriage to my ex-husband. I loved everyone's comments and held on to the fact that the relationship between the ex and the kids is something that is between them. There is no abuse or any harm. There seems to be a lack of substance but that part is not up to me. I can't force anything there.

I decided that I need to follow the lead of my daughters and accept him exactly the way he is.

After all, acceptance creates miracles.

I was home today with a sick Grace and feeling a little under the weather myself. My ex-husband called this morning to discuss when he would pick up the girls for this weekend. When he heard my voice on the phone, he knew I wasn't at work.

I explained that Grace had come into my room at 2:34 a.m. complaining of a sore tummy and then proceeded to run to the bathroom to vomit. She continued vomiting every hour until late into the morning. We were both exhausted.

He asked me to let him know if she was going to stay home tomorrow too. He volunteered to take her so that I could go back to work.

I softened a little. Ok. Oh yeah. That's right. He's a good guy. That's why I married him. He gets impatient and selfish and worn out. He travels all the time. But he does love his daughters. All right. Thank you for the reminder.

Grace and I spent today watching TV and being lazy. Tonight, the ex called again to discuss weekends that we need to switch, music lessons, etc. Then there was a pause in the conversation...

"I want to apologize for going overboard in my reaction to you the other day," he said, "I didn't mean to come off like that."

Wow. Here I've been angry and disappointed in his irritation to the basic expectation of spending more time with his daughters... and now he's apologizing for it. I almost started crying. Instead, this was my opportunity to speak calmly, from a place of love, about my expectations.

I told him that his daughters would love to spend some good quality time with him. He responded, "Yes, I would like that too. And I think their age is a little easier for me now too. I really want to get them out for some camping this summer."

We went on to discuss other plans and things we needed to work out.

After he talked to the kids, I hung up the phone and texted Gentleman Jack.

"See?! See?!" was GJ's response. His advice had been the same. Why expect my ex-husband to be anyone other than who he's always been?

Yeah yeah. Ok. So, I'll eat my humble pie and feel bad for being so angry at him.

Ya'll remind me of this the next time he pisses me off, mmmkay? He is an 'ex' for a reason.

Tuesday, March 9, 2010

Whammo! Unexpected grief



I once had a counselor tell me that grief was like a coiled spring. Each coil represents time that you are grieving. There are some days you will feel tightly wound, heartbroken and closely coiled in time. You may grieve for what seems like an eternity, day after day. Then there days, months, years that you are fine; the grieving seems to be over. This is because the spring is stretched out and the space between the coils is wider. Then one day, WHAMMO! You hit another part of the spring that needs to be grieved.

I guess I'm in one of those WHAMMO moments in grieving.

I am apparently still grieving the loss of my marriage.

***

I have been feeling very angry at my ex-husband lately. These feelings arise every time I would like him to spend more quality time with our daughters.

It comes up every holiday season like here and here and here. I have vented about him here too. With Spring Break coming up, he has made it very clear that he will not go out of his way to help keep the girls out of childcare for the week.

He enjoys his life, his time, and to get him to take time off of work, or off the couch or out of the house to actually do anything of substance with me the girls takes an practically act of Congress!!!

And there it is....

I realized this morning that the reason I hold so much anger towards him for seeming so checked out of his relationship with his daughters is because that is how he was with me.

I was endlessly begging to be noticed. I was always asking where on his 'to do' list did he have my name. I spent years telling him that I wanted to get out, go on a trip, go camping, go to dinner, go spend quality time together! Anything we did, we did because I planned it.

After we had children, it was even easier for him to make an excuse for us to stay in. I was too tired to plan. Things changed and I needed more effort from him. Even when I would send a list of babysitters so that he would only need minimal effort to get us to a nice evening out, the words still fell on deaf ears.

He was always too tired or too much stuff had to be done around the house or he'd just come home from traveling and didn't want to do anything or he was around people all the time and now wanted to be left alone....

Add all of that up and you have one very frustrated wife.

The question I have been asking myself today is, "Why am I expecting him to be any different now?"

The girls seem happy with him. They love and adore their daddy. They accept him just as he is. I want to do that too.

I guess, and I've noticed this before, that I'm projecting my own pain on his relationship with our daughters. My primary love language is quality time. His is not. Whether or not that is our daughters' love language remains to be seen.

Either way, I still have to look at this and do my best to let it go. Feeling this way causes me to be disappointed, resentful and angry towards him - an emotion that doesn't help any of us.

Coincidentally (or not), today's A Course in Miracles lesson of the day was:

Love holds no grievances.

Guess I needed that, huh?

Pardon me while I work on forgiving. Again.

Monday, March 8, 2010

Disappointed

I woke up this morning with the deep realization that I was disappointed with many people in my life.

And according to my thoughts on disappointment, that must mean that I had expectations.

*sigh*

I'm trying to let myself off easy by acknowledging this emotion. I know me. Once I look at my emotion and allow it to be, I'm able to let it go much faster.

So, this is a little vent and, I'm sorry to do this to you dear reader, but it simply must be said.

I am disappointed in....

(I actually typed out all of those people that I was disappointed in... but then thought the better of it. I deleted that part of the post because to throw all of that negative energy out there would only make me disappointed in myself.)

Instead of getting wrapped up in decisions that other people make about their lives, I'm going to focus on my own life. These disappointing feelings, if anything, are forcing me to stop and appreciate the good things that are right in front of me.

My daughters.

Saturday night, we snuggled up and feel asleep in my bed. Last night I made us snow milkshakes from the snow I'd kept in the freezer. And tonight, I made homemade Chocolate Molten Lava cake for us to enjoy.

They licked the plate clean.



I've been enjoying the extra snuggles that they are happy to give. I've been paying attention to how they nurture and love each other. I've noticed how much they long to get home and play the games that only they understand, in their own sisterly way.

I guess I have to be thankful for this disappointment. It seems to be a season of change for the people in my lives. Because I've realized that I don't know what's best for anyone else, nor can I change them, I can only focus on the changeless, consistent love from the two who came from me...

The little girls who save my life over and over again.

Sunday, March 7, 2010

Self-Image

Friday night, though I felt exhausted and in no mood to get out, I was invited to a Pisces birthday get together. You see, for some reason, many of my friends are Pisces. I suppose I'm attracted to their creative minds and boundless love.

In other words, I couldn't say no.

As soon as I sat at the table, I transformed into my usual self - the self they all expected me to be. I was happy, fun, naughty, talkative, socially comfortable and very glad to be there.

A late arrival to the gathering, one of the ladies in our yoga group joined me at the end of the table. She doesn't know me well but did know that I had surgery. We began a conversation about body image and our children.

She is 10 years older and by no means in bad shape. Yet, I could feel her insecurity. I could sense her discomfort in her own skin.

Perhaps I was projecting? I've noticed that I feel self conscious when discussing body image with women. I could see her eyes on me when I would leave the table. I was feeling judgment and when she finally asked me, "Well? How did you lose all of the weight?" I found myself explaining in details so that she would feel better.

I still don't know why I do this. How am I going to teach my daughters to accept themselves and their bodies when I feel guilty and the need to explain to everyone that "No, I haven't always been thin" and "Yes, I eat whatever I want" and "Yes, I work out but I did when I was fat too"?

I'm not sure what I'm supposed to say?!

---

My daughter Rose is 8 years old and stands at shoulder height to me. I'm 5'5". In other words, she will tower over me at some point during her teen years.

People are constantly telling her how tall she's going to be. At first, she didn't think much of it. Then one day, someone said that she would be taller than me. Later that evening, she cried to me before bed.

"Mommy, I don't want to be taller than you!!"

I could see her point. There is a fear with my daughters of my growing older, not being the one in charge anymore, of the future where Mommy doesn't fix everything. I suppose the thought of her looking down at me scares her a little.

We've discussed these fears as they come up and she seems to be comfortable again. I'm also doing what I can to point out that she should stand tall, shoulders back, chest out. Be proud of her height.

So far, so good.

Then one evening, we both received a gift while watching TV.

 


"Wow Mommy! Taylor Swift is TALL!"

I googled her height and yep, she's 5'11".

My girls ADORE Taylor Swift. And now I have a little girl who stands prouder than she did before.

Whew.

---

”A mother who radiates self acceptance and self love actually vaccinates her daughter against low self esteem."
~Naomi Wolf

I've always loved this quote. I hope that I'm doing my best to radiate self-acceptance to my daughters. I'm also doing what I can to teach them healthy habits like a diet based on moderation, not deprivation, and that exercise can be fun.

I'm a single mother raising two little girls. They don't have a daddy around for daily doting and compliments. I'm not even sure their dad notices their beauty, or if he does, I doubt he mentions it. He's just not that kind of man unfortunately.

So... its up to me to vaccinate them against low self esteem. God help me.

Mommy's got quite a job ahead of her.

Saturday, March 6, 2010

Pass it on

A little while ago, Mindy over at Single Mom Says wrote a post about how she'd like to go to Las Vegas for her 40th birthday.

Her appeal to the city of Las Vegas was so awesome that I suggested she ask for donations for her trip. She hasn't done that so we're doing it for her. She's a single mom of four who's keeping her chin up despite the crap that life has sent her way. We're all experts at that now, aren't we?

This morning, Pippi put up a post with information to donate to Mindy's cause.

Here are Pippi's instructions:
If you are interested in making a donation, this link will take you to PayPal. Click on "Send Money," then click on "Personal," then click on "Gift." Type in my email address: cdk1972@gmail.com and make a donation if you would like. This is a completely confidential process and I will not post who has made a donation. Also, please know that I am honest to a fault and will not use said funds to buy myself a new wardrobe.

I'm going to do what I can to help Mindy take one for the team (*giggle*). And Mindy, as far as I know, doesn't know we're doing this for her. She's a good friend, a supportive bloggy pal, and a great mom. I think she deserves to party like there's no tomorrow. Besides, she's invited us all to come with her, right Mindy?

Big love to you Mindy!! Hope your 40th is a smash!

And thank you Pippi for grabbing the ball and running with it!

Thursday, March 4, 2010

More on the subject of allowing

I can tell that I'm beginning to get some balance back in my life. I think it helps to laugh... and boy did you guys make me laugh in the comments to yesterday's post.

I've also come back to the subject of allowing.

As I wrote last week, the message of allowing is appearing in my experience time and time again. Again in yoga class this week, the message was to allow.

Allow your muscles to relax into the pose...

Allow your breath to flow effortlessly throughout the challenge of the asana...

Allow yourself to be stronger or weaker today than you were yesterday.

I've also noticed the same message in old blog posts that I've written. A few days ago, I returned to this post from February of last year entitled: Meeting you where you are.

The post reminded me to accept myself where I was. In that acceptance, the miracle occurs where something or someone could meet me in that space and allow my limited beliefs to be pushed further than I'd ever expected.

A few things from the post stood out as relevant to me today:

Love meets you where you are too.

But no matter what you know, you cannot pretend to be anything other than who you are.

And my favorite part of the entire post (written months before Gentleman Jack entered my life):

I've now come to realize that in order for a real relationship to work, it has to be easy. It has to fit, like a perfect puzzle piece. It has to meet me, and accept me, right where I am right now.

And I have to offer that same acceptance to myself.

When love does fit, it defies all plans, all logic, all choices that we made prior.

Both of you have to be in that same space, recognizing that light in each other. It cannot happen with only one or it does not happen at all.

In recognizing that light, in seeing each other beyond form, true love really shines. Our combined light, shared, can be as blinding as the brightest star.

I do know all of this. I have many opportunities to remember this as well. Unfortunately however, my first reaction in most situations is fear. I still find that I have a dire need to control or force or lay my judgments upon an experience. Instead of allowing it to play out differently, I will take stories from my past experience and decide the future outcome of a situation. Thankfully, I am at least aware of it sometime shortly after it occurs. That is my opportunity to choose again.

***

A situation arose over this past weekend with Gentleman Jack that left me reacting in an "Aha! I knew you were too good to be true! You're just like every other man!", ugly, angry, I-need-to-be-right kind of way. I shut off, grumbling to myself. I attempted to stay hidden by stalling longer while getting dressed. I went, once again, passive aggressive.

I recognized the disturbance in my mind a few minutes later.

When I recognized that I was withdrawing, I immediately asked to see it differently. I was willing to release my judgments of the situation and to see the love instead. I accepted that I was viewing this situation through past pain and did my best to allow the goodness in while sending healing thoughts to the wounds in my past. I still struggled in those moments and did my best to hide the irritation when my Gentleman came in to check on me.

Wouldn't you know it? He could sense my struggle. (Duh. As always.)

Gently, he addressed the situation with love, validation, kindness and honesty. Once I was able to have it brought out into the open, I laughed at the hilarity of my judgments. I was able to feel love in that moment.

Gentleman Jack met me where I was.

When he met me there, in that small, sad and angry place, I had to let him in. I wanted him there but was too ashamed to ask for his love. He offered it, willingly, and in that offering, I allowed him to prove me wrong about the kind of man he was. In the acceptance of where I was and the allowing of the goodness, the miracle occurred yet again.

He showed up as a completely different person than I expected him to be.

***

I am grateful for the ability to question my own judgments in a situation and the little willingness to see it differently. I am thankful for an intuitive man who is willing to address a situation when he could have easily left me to sulk in my own righteousness. I am happy that he took the time to offer me acceptance, despite my unquestionably passive aggressive behavior.

I love to see the proving of the motto I've learned to live by:

Acceptance creates miracles.

And I'm blessed to see it play out over and over again.

Wednesday, March 3, 2010

Because OMG... REALLY?!

Did you ever have one of those WTF moments in your life where you had to LOL?

This is such great blog fodder that I had to pull myself back together to write it...

A little over a year ago, I was on eHarmony and not enjoying it at all. I was, however, trying to keep my spirits up and enjoy meeting new and hopefully interesting men.

After a few emails and a phone call, I met one guy for lunch who absolutely bored me to tears. I blogged about the lunch and the rest of my dating woes here.

Coincidentally, this was the same post where I realized that I deserved to be adored by the man in my life. I thank Gentleman Jack for filling in that role nicely.

During the boring lunch date, my brain was conjuring up all sorts of ways to scare the crap out of this guy. He was professing how he and his son love the TV show, Leave it to Beaver. He was so enthusiastic about the "Beaver" that I ended up making a double entendre joke about it.

Well, that joke spurred his interest in my sex life and I, having no off-button at the time, spilled all about my sexual exploits in an attempt to send the very obvious message, "You couldn't handle me dude."

Other than a text message inviting me to a movie two weeks later, which I promptly declined, I didn't hear from him after that.

Lo and behold, who should pop into my inbox last night but Mr. Beaver himself. The email was so funny to me that I immediately texted Gentleman Jack to share it.

After giving GJ the story on this guy, I read him the email:

"Hi T, remember me? How are you doing? Things here are going fine. I've been busy with little (Mr. Beaver), work a lot, and dating some. Which is sort of why I am reaching out to you. The last couple months I've been seeing this girl, and she's really fun, nice, smart, etc. And, well, she has an interest in meeting another girl. I remembered you too had an interest there, and (I feel totally awkward writing this) wondered if you would like to meet us out some time and see if there is anything there. I hope that did not come off the wrong way, but I remembered from lunch you were pretty enthusiastic about meeting someone and doing that.

I do hope you and the kids are well and it's beginning to be a good year. Let's be in touch."

WHAT?!?

Seriously?!

Did this guy just approach me for a threesome? OMFG. And then 'Let's be in touch'?!

After I read the email to Gentleman Jack, he began clapping.

GJ: I gotta give it to him. I can't blame the guy for trying.

T:
What? Are you kidding me? I don't hear from this guy for an entire year and now he's going to email me for a threesome?

GJ: Well baby, you pretty much blew his mind at lunch that day. He's probably been jacking off thinking about what a freak you are. So then he dates a girl who wants to be with a girl... who do you think he's going to think about? I can't believe you're surprised. You do leave a lasting impression.

I'm still cracking up over here. Wow. Gentleman Jack told me that I should email him back in a short "thanks but no thanks" kind of way but part of me wants to say, "Seriously dude? OMG. Really?!"

Online dating... ain't it fun?

Tuesday, March 2, 2010

Tipping Point

One of my co-workers is currently reading a book to help with her sales and marketing strategy: The Tipping Point by Malcolm Gladwell.

I haven't read the book but, from my understanding, it explains how little things make a big difference in the success of a concept, product, service, person, etc. He illustrates how things become viral by word of mouth and how a concept will begin and then spread suddenly reaching a 'tipping point' where there is no stopping it.

I understand the concept all too well these past few weeks. I too have reached a tipping point where I feel completely buried under obligation. I don't like when I reach this point because I begin to feel resentful for everything that is asked of me. I even feel that I'm begrudgingly writing this blog post...

I understand that it is because I haven't had much "me" time.

Gentleman Jack was in town last weekend and I drove in to see him this past weekend. As much as I adore being with my man, I tend to ignore responsibilities and things begin to build up.

I also recognize that I've been very tired lately.

I've been unable to get to the store to stock up on my supply of vitamins and supplements that keep my energy levels strong. I feel very depleted of energy. Therefore...

I haven't been consistent in my workouts.

That, too, will affect my energy levels. Honestly, I can't figure out how I ever trained for a triathlon before. I'm too tired and busy in the evenings to get on my bike. This weekend and so far this week, I did pick up a yoga class, a few runs outside, some bike training and a swim today. Once I get back to my routine, I should feel better.

I'm also so ready for Spring.

I look forward to more sunshine and a lot less shivering. And yes, in August or September, you will hear me complain about the heat. I can tolerate the heat and cold but I am ready for the change in seasons when they occur. Give me Spring and Fall any day!!

So, I apologize that I've been unable to get to your blogs to read and/or comment. I've actually read some but have been unable to put thoughts together coherently or had another issue come up and not had the time to leave a comment. Ugh. I promise I'll get better.

I'm feeling overwhelmed and worn out. I'm ready to tip this point back in the other direction, you know? Momma needs some BALANCE.

Forgive me?

Thank you for all the love and patience.

And vodka.

You guys rock my socks.

Monday, March 1, 2010

Pity party


Have you ever noticed that some days are just tougher than others? Don't you sometimes wanna wallow in self-pity? Is it just me or does it seem like single parenthood's a real bitch sometimes? Too much... TOO MUCH!

Yeah yeah. I'll get over it. I'm sure I'll be better tomorrow.

Worn the fuck out.