Wednesday, June 30, 2010

Squished, Zapped, Prodded & Reviewed (or maybe that's the same thing?)

Wow ya'll.

It has been one hell of a day.

I had too many errands to run today. Starting with errands for work. Then my mammogram.

I had boobie squish for lunch. Fun!

Seriously, it is the weirdest thing to see what they do to breasts in these exams. I could actually feel the pulling all the way up to my ears. Wow.

Then I had an appointment for laser hair removal. Zzzzztttt! Ouch! (But so totally worth it.)

Then the hospital called for me to come back for a sonogram. *prod prod*

By the time I actually sat my ass at my desk at work, it was 4 p.m. and everyone wanted to talk to me about my doctor visits.

The good news is that it appears that all is normal. Well, as normal as a 40 year old woman's breasts can be. There are a few things they want to keep an eye on. I'm to come back for another mammogram in 6 months. The sonogram was a "precautionary" measure since there was a suspect mass on my breast on Monday. Even though it's gone now.

I still think I was bit by a spider or something and the venom made my lymph nodes swell up in pain...

Anyway, needless to say, I was WAY over being squished, zapped and prodded today. I did learn quite a bit about my breasts today though. The imaging techs both in my mammogram and sonogram were very helpful and explained everything they saw. I'm fascinated with the human body so that was a treat for me.

Oh and then I came home to an invasion of sugar ants in my kitchen. Argh. Those little f*ckers get into EVERYTHING.

Whew. This girl is tired.

But honestly, no complaints here. It's all good. I sat and watched a movie with my girls tonight. We snuggled up and enjoyed some chill time. I like that.

Now the kids are all snug in their beds and my bed is calling me.


One other pretty cool thing though?

My blog was reviewed by Ask and Ye Shall Receive. I love their blog reviews because they're funny and a bit harsh. I could just imagine what they'd say about mine... so I asked. And I received.

Here's the review: Lessons Learned

I loved it.

What do you think? Do you agree with the reviewer? If you had to write a review, what would you have to say about my blog?

After the day I've had, I can handle anything.

Night ya'll.

Tuesday, June 29, 2010

Random thoughts on a Tuesday

Wow. You all never cease to amaze me in your supportive comments. Thank you again for reading, listening and caring too.

You REALLY like me!!

And I love you too.


I have a few posts brewin' but no time to write at the moment. So I thought I'd give a quick update on all that's going on.

1. I've moved past the whole wanting to contact Soldier thing. I've realized that I've pondered this thought more than once since we split up. Whenever I spend time thinking about it, I also realize the utter silliness behind it. In NO WAY do I want to mess up what I have with Gentleman Jack.

I think you guys had it right. Its that whole closure thing. And the bad-boy attraction that I had for him....which lead me nowhere... so... I'm chartering a new course now and still wondering where it leads me.

I do know this much though: I'm stronger for it. And much happier too.

2. Last night I had a dream about McSteamy. He looked effin awesome but he was an ass. Perhaps I'm doing a little bad boy purging subconsciously too? 

3. I woke up this morning and found the strange lump was gone. I'm still going to get my mammogram tomorrow though. I promised Sage so he wouldn't karate chop me in the pituitary gland.

4. I am so loving Skype. Gentleman Jack and I have only just recently started Skyping and enjoy it so much. The weirdest part of it is that when we're together in real life, we're usually touching. To see him and not be able to touch is TORTUROUS!

The best part is how cute he gets when it's time to say goodbye. He absolutely hates to hang up so we have to do the 1-2-3 and hang up at the same time. I know, it's totally high school-ish but dangit, I love how he loves me.

5. I'm going to dinner tonight with my kids and some friends, including Gem and my sweet TNT. TNT is bringing his new girlfriend to meet me too. I like that he said, "She needs to accept my T. If not, then I will have to kick her to the curb!"

And no, he didn't tell her that we were once friends with benefits. Some things are just better left unsaid, ya know?

How do you explain to your significant other that one of your best friends was also your lover at one time? It wasn't easy for Gentleman Jack at first either...

6. Last night, I watched the documentary on the band Rush called Beyond the Lighted Stage. LOVE it. I became a Rush fan in high school while in my first band. Maybe it's only nerds and musicians that love them? Forget it, they had me hooked at 2112.

7. I'm also a little overwhelmed this week because Gentleman Jack and I are heading out on another vacation next week. Details to follow soon! Lots to do until then!

8. I saw a pic of QT's new man. *drool* That's all I'm gonna say about that. SO excited for her!


I will get caught back up at work and get a better post up tomorrow. Hope everyone is enjoying their week so far.

Love and kisses!!

Monday, June 28, 2010

I promise to pay as much attention to my boobies as men do...

I woke up slowly this morning after having difficulty falling asleep last night.

I usually stay in bed until I've got my wits about me. It was early enough that I stayed there for a while. That's when I realized that I felt a strange pain in my right breast.

I started to massage around my breast to see if I could find the pain. I have fibrous breasts and they do get really sore right before my menstrual cycle.

Problem is... my menstrual cycle just ended. So... why would my breasts be sore?

As I pondered this thought, I came across a raised area on my breast. I shot out of bed and ran into the bathroom to get a closer look. What appeared was something long and slender, about 3 inches long, just to the right of my areola. I thought it may be a raised vein but as I traced along the length of it, I found that one end was especially sore. It almost felt as if an insect bit me!

I went about my morning, stopping now and then to examine this strangeness on my skin. On the drive to work, I made an appointment with my general doctor.


I'm 40 years old. My last mammogram was at age 35. In my family, I have a mother who had fibrous/non-cancerous tumors removed from her breasts in her 40's. My father died of esophageal cancer. My father's sister (who, I believe, is actually my 2nd cousin), just found out that she has breast cancer.

All of my grandparents have lived into their mid-90's, with my grandfather still kickin' it at age 93.

Could this be something serious like the "c" word? Would a cancerous tumor be painful? And why would it suddenly just appear out of nowhere?


I was examined by the doctor earlier today and am now scheduled for a mammogram on Wednesday.

She believes that it may be a blocked milk duct or an inflamed lymph node. Just to make sure and because of my age, she is definitely recommending a mammogram.

Getting my boobies squished is not my idea of a good time but hey... the little scare I've had so far today is enough to kick my ass into gear.

Ya'll wish me luck and keep me in your prayers please.


This website was especially helpful for more information on Breast Anatomy and Pathlogy: Breast Diagnostic Center


Do you do breast self-exams?

How often do you get mammograms? Have you had one before?

Have you tried thermography?

Did you know that you can be screened for a gene that increases your chances of getting breast cancer?

Did you know that men can get breast cancer too?

Middle of the night confession

It's late and I feel stupid for even posting this but....I'm having trouble going to sleep because, well, I keep thinking about Soldier.

I don't know why he came to mind. Things are awesome with my Gentleman and me, in fact, more awesome than they've ever been. So why now? Why would my brain sit and think out an email to attempt to reconnect our old 20 + years friendship? And knowing him, he would more than likely not respond or worse, respond and attempt to rekindle something sexually...the very LAST thing I need. He is such a bad boy... and so irresistibly good...

Isn't it funny? I have the best guy ever and yet there is some stupid part of me that thinks, "oh but to be mistreated again..."

Stupid, stupid!

And no, I am not going to act on this because I realize the complete contradiction in desire here. I desire to be loved, adored, treated with kindness, love and respect. That is not only what I desire but OH MY GOODNESS what I have and what makes me smile and what keeps me sane....

I was never more out of my mind than I was in that relationship with Soldier.

I guess the other desire is to have some long awaited questions answered. Is he ok now? Did he really love me? Was I making the whole thing up? Does he feel bad AT ALL that things ended the way they did?

But its stupid. Stupid. And the fact that he inhabits part of my brain anymore irritates the crap out of me.

As Gentleman Jack says, "I'll be glad when there is enough distance in time between when you were with him and the present moment that he never comes to mind anymore."

Yeah baby, you and me both.

Thank you for allowing me my confession. I'll go flog myself now.

Saturday, June 26, 2010

Sending love...

Just wanted to put up a quick post sending out some bloggy love to another one of the best single dads I know, Jim at Depot Dad.

Jim's been fighting melanoma cancer for a couple of years now. Every time he gets on top of it, the bitch comes back with a vengeance.

She's trying to kick his ass again... grrr.... and he won't know anything for sure until sometime next week.

Please go visit Jim and wish him strength. Or at the very least, to all of those bloggy readers that are more funny than me, leave a comment or something to make him laugh. He has THE ABSOLUTE BEST laugh I've ever heard on another human being. He also continues to amaze me with his tenacity and strength. Talking with him is guaranteed to make you smile. He's a beautiful, sensitive, loving soul.

I'm thinking of you, friend. You know I'm crazy about your awesomeness...

Here's a link back to a post I wrote after meeting Jim for the first time. Check it out: Inspired

Send some prayers and healing vibes for my friend, ok?

And to you Jimbo?

Love love love love love.

Thursday, June 24, 2010

Badass Single Mama (with awesome friends)

There are moments in the life of a single parent that stand out to me. Many of them have been documented on this blog.

You know those moments... when you realize you can go it alone? When you take on tasks you never thought you could and succeed?

As I mentioned last week, I was having refrigerator problems. I also mentioned that perhaps I'd try to fix it on my own.


It's working now. Woohoo!

A friend told me about a local appliance fix-it guy who will walk you through diagnosing the problem over the phone and will also order parts for you. Once I figured out what was wrong, I ordered the correct replacement part.

I had a neighbor who allowed me to borrow tools.

My girlfriend lived near the store that had the replacement part so she picked it up for me on her way home.

My friend J (who always has the right tool) and my brother also came over for pizza and put in the part for me. It was a really easy 5 minute job!

So yeah, I may not have actually fixed it on my own... but I did get it done. With a little help from my friends.

Maybe I didn't quite earn my badass badge but I definitely feel a whole lot less alone than I thought I was.

Perhaps I could use a tool belt?

Ok, oops! Wrong kind of tools... How about this one?

Because with the right tools (and friends), I think I could accomplish anything!

Wednesday, June 23, 2010

Goal! And Give!

Unless you've been living under a rock (and apparently, as a country, we have been), you'll know that the largest sports event in the world is happening right now in South Africa.

That's right, ya'll. Soccer. The World Cup!

And today, the USA advanced in the competition with 1 goal against Algeria!!! It was a beautiful sight to behold:

I mean... wow. Up to that point, it was a real nail biter.

I dunno. If you've never watched soccer, I'd recommend starting now. Everyone on the planet is watching!!

Between my trip to Europe last year where I enjoyed watching Manchester United with my friends and watching my own daughter play, I can't help but be hooked.


This just in: our friend and favorite bald guy, Canadian Bald Guy, really wants to fly his daughter down for her summer visit. He rarely gets to see her and she's at that tween stage.... you know... so she really needs her daddy.

I saw that he was tweeting that he needed $250 to pay for her airline ticket so, I donated a little bit to his paypal account.

If you're up for it, feel like showing a great, loving single dad some love, hit his paypal account at

Anything will help.

And yes, I'm being sneaky. He has no idea that I've sent him money or that I'm pimpin' the blog for him. He totally deserves it. Such a great daddy and friend to us bloggers.

Thanks ya'll.


The goal has been reached! CBG has acquired the funds needed to fly his daughter down for two weeks this summer. He is thrilled! And I'm pretty stoked that there's lots of love in the blogosphere!

Tuesday, June 22, 2010

Sparks in the dark

It had been a really long day and he was exhausted. I was tired too. Still...there's something electric that happens when his skin touches mine. It's sort of like the wintry time of year when you pull the sheets up over you and you see sparks in the dark.

Yes. That's what happens. Sparks in the dark.

I had my back to him with every intention of falling asleep. Intentions....  I playfully pushed my backside up against his hand.


Subtly and softly, he began exploring the neverland of erogenous zones along my back. I was holding my breath in anticipation of where he'd touch me next. Reaching for me from behind is the never-fail approach for getting me turned on.

I reached back and found that, though his body was tired, he was very much ready for me.

That's when I realized that I had more energy than I originally suspected. And that's when I crawled on top of him.

I'm not sure what came over me but I decided right then to use him. I wanted only to masturbate and use him as my sex toy. The room was dark but I closed my eyes anyway. I was able to go completely into my own skin. No thoughts. No worries about his comfort. Nothing but... feeling what *I* wanted to feel.

I explored my own body as if I was pleasuring myself in my bed alone. I caressed my face and neck and then ran my hands through my hair. I touched my chest and stomach softly with the tips of my fingers. I pinched my nipples til I gasped.

He spoke.

He was watching. He began encouraging me with his words. I became self-conscious...

But he was enjoying this. This felt good to him too. He probably saw nothing more than a shadowy visual sensually writhing on his body. I continued my discovery of self-pleasure.

I reached down and felt my own throbbing moistness and began circling my fingers the way I would in private, away from my lover.

He came alive with energy as we built rhythm. I responded to his words and quickening breath. He responded to the stimulating movement of my hips.

The sparks exploded as fireworks behind my eyelids. I weakly collapsed on top of him in a heap of moist skin. He lifted my hair from my neck and blew gently to cool me off.

I slid into my favorite space - the perfect fit in the crook of his arm - and he continued to caress my face.

"Thank you lover." I whispered quietly, kissing him.

"My pleasure! And apparently yours too," he laughed. "And um, anytime you want to use me as your toy, don't hold back."

How wonderful to feel such comfort, I thought, and soon dozed off into a contented slumber.

Monday, June 21, 2010

If you're not happy, do you think you could be wrong?

I've been trying to think of how to write out this post. It is something that has been brewing in me for a few days... scratch that... a few weeks.

Maybe it started when I realized that "someone could accuse you of something that you've never done. And they will be so convinced that they're right that nothing you do will change their mind."

Or when I got so angry at those in my life who ask for help and then get angry at me for suggesting they stop the hurtful behavior.

Some people say they want advice. What they really want is validation for the decision or judgment that they've already made.

The decision that, "I am a victim."

The decision to continue with a course of action or non-action that isn't serving them.

A judgment of another person. Or themselves.

The decision that "I am not deserving of anything better than this..."


What I've noticed lately is that most of the time, people have already made up their minds when they ask for advice.

I'm not sure if those in my life realize the power they have.

They are the only ones with the power to change their situations by changing their minds.

So lately, when I've had discussions with friends or family, and I'm observing they're asking me for my advice or they're accusing someone of something or they're convinced about their own victimhood, I've said NOTHING AT ALL.

This is difficult for me, this silence. I'm my daddy's daughter, opinionated and out-spoken.

But now I'm realizing that it's nothing more than a waste of words. I should save my breath. They're only hearing what they want to hear.


"I do not perceive my own best interests."
Lesson 24, ACIM

The above quote is one of my favorite lessons from A Course in Miracles. I can think of many times that I thought I knew what was right or what I wanted but life had other ideas. And funny enough, those other ideas were exactly what I needed to happen.

I also love this from ACIM:

"Remember how many times you thought you knew all the 'facts' you needed for judgment, and how wrong you were! Is there anyone who has not had this experience? Would you know how many times you merely thought you were right, without ever realizing you were wrong?"


Sometimes I want to say to the people in my life:

Does being right about this bring you peace? And if it doesn't, do you think perhaps that you could be wrong?

*Would you rather be right or happy?* 

In seeing all of this around me, I am reminded that I should always ask myself the exact same question.

Perhaps some of us (yes, me too) forget that we actually do want peace. Perhaps sometimes, we enjoy the pain.

Who am I to judge what people in my life feel or are going through? Maybe their pain is serving them and driving them towards something greater. They are the only ones who will decide when they've had enough, just as I've had to do on my own. Maybe then, when the "pain exceeds the pleasure" (thx D!), they (or I) will open up a tiny space to look at things in a different way.

Until then, I will listen. Love. And (do my best to) remain silent.

Sunday, June 20, 2010

Weekend thoughts of this divorced single mom

I was basically lazy all last week.

I didn't have my daughters. They were spending the week with their dad. I missed them terribly but I didn't miss the work involved with being the single parent.

I didn't do laundry.

I didn't cook.

I didn't clean.

As a matter of fact, I was sort of a slob. And damn straight. It felt good to eat out every night, stay up late reading, watch TV... or not, spend time with girlfriends, hang out with my brother playing cards...

I missed them. Yes. I missed their hugs and kisses and noise and presence.

But I didn't miss the work.


I picked them up Saturday from their dad's house. He left for a week's vacation today.

He NEVER goes on vacation.

Any place we ever went took planning on my part. He was always up for it but didn't suggest it. He went to a place we said we'd always go to. I don't know who he went with because he's very private, for some reason. Guess its none of my business anyhow.

Besides, I'm traveling back to the ex and my favorite vacation spot with Gentleman Jack's family in a few weeks. Me, my man, his youngest son, my daughters and.... his mother, sister, brother-in-law, nephews.... all of us traveling as one big happy family.

Guess that would make the ex feel a little weird too.

Oh well.

Ain't divorce grand?


My brother, my daughters and I went to see the new Toy Story movie on Saturday.

It was REALLY good.

I also enjoyed (and never realized before) that Andy's mom is a single mother. I liked how her children's childhoods looked idyllic and Andy grew into a wonderful young man.

I like to think that my girls will grow up that way. I think single parents raise children who have to grow up faster, become more independent and accepting of the things life hands to them.

Yeah, it may seem to some people that children of divorce get the short end of the stick - and in some ways, perhaps they do - but I also believe that you can become a better person because of your life or in spite of it.

I'd like to think that my girls will grow up and be good people.

I'd like to think so.

How was YOUR weekend?

Saturday, June 19, 2010

Father's Day

I want to wish all of the dads out there in blog-land a very Happy Father's Day.

Other than that.... I miss my dad.

That is all.

Thursday, June 17, 2010


Several of us were sitting at the table by the far wall of the restaurant. The place was jam-packed and apparently that was normal for a Saturday evening. I was enjoying the company at my table: old and new friends from high school and my man, sitting across from me because, as he told our friend, "I like to look into her eyes."

One end of our table was flanked by the band - a blues band who threw in some Tom Petty and Beatles music for good measure. The other end of our table, closest to me, was another party of three: two twenty-ish girls and a gay guy.

When the song was right, my group would burst into animated mouthing of the words and sing to each other over our margaritas. Soon, I discovered I was being serenaded by the two twenty-ish girls.

Gentleman Jack smiled, not surprised. "See. You don't even have to try and people want you."


I left for a few minutes for a restroom break. Upon return to our table, I was grabbed by the arm by one of the young women at the next table.

"What's your name? Please come dance with us. And maybe you could come back to our apartment complex and swim in our pool?!"

I introduced myself and declined the invitation to swim. Although a spin on the dance floor always sounds fun...

Taking my place across from my man, I could see that he was deep in a consuming conversation with our mutual friend. I looked to her and inquired with my eyes the subject of this intense discussion.

She smiled sweetly. "It's YOU, T. You're his favorite subject!"


Another time during the weekend, Gentleman Jack and I were in our own intense discussion after a miscommunication.

He was upset after I'd misjudged something that he'd said about an hour earlier. I was distraught. I was sad that the weekend had been wonderful up to that point. I was irritated that my mind overthinks and reacts to things based purely on past triggers and fears.

He talks loudly when he is upset. I don't like this.

As I was trying to explain, again, what my perception was, he interrupted me.

I stammered out the words, "Please let me finish what I was saying...."

He stopped, looked at me and smiled.

"Yes ma'am! I LOVE that. Own that baby! OWN IT!"

I was confused.

"T! You just stopped me from interrupting you. You get so timid when we're dealing with issues and now, look at you. You just told me that you had something important to say. And you know what? I'm listening. And do you know why? Because baby, I LOVE YOU and I respect what you have to say!"

I burst into tears and fell into his arms. I don't recall anyone ever saying that to me before.


I felt ignored and overlooked most of my childhood. I felt ignored in my marriage. I have spent my teen and adult life trying to get attention.

I have ingrained attention-seeking tactics into my personality, after years of practice. However, in the year that Gentleman Jack has been in my life, I have noticed that I've pulled back on much of that behavior.

Now I just glow when my man is near me.

The glow still attracts attention but I find that I no longer seek it like I used to. That attention doesn't even begin to match the attention of my man.

I never knew... never in my wildest dreams... that someone could look at me, love me, notice me, make me want to shine more, listen to me, brag about me, take loads of photos of me, make me his favorite subject...

I never knew that could be found in one person and that I would fall in love with him.

I feel like the luckiest girl in the world.

Wednesday, June 16, 2010


As I was driving home last week and flipping through the radio stations, I came across a song I hadn't heard in years. It was a song that I'd dedicated to my daughter, Grace, in her baby book shortly after her birth.

It reminded me of another song that I'd dedicated to my first daughter, Rose, in her baby book.

Now, I'm not into sappy music... but when I listen to either of these songs, it brings back all of that emotional overload of holding a precious new life in my arms. And each song makes me cry. Every. Single. Time.


Whew! Anyway...

I'm still amazed, when I look at the lyrics to Rose's song and Grace's song, the words apply SO much to their personalities.


I'm also reminded of a brief but telling conversation with Rose in the car last week:

Rose: Mommy, do you think that music speaks to you? That it has a mood?

T: Yes. Absolutely.

R: Me too.

T: Of course you do. You are my child.

R: I'm not YOUR child. I'm God's child. And you are too. In fact, all of us are.

T: Good point. And very well said, sweet girl.


I love my girls...

Are there any songs that move you in that way?

Tuesday, June 15, 2010

A Lesson in Silence

For the past two days, I have had no voice.

Except that I have an awful lot to say!

Because my voice comes out as a mere whisper, I've been pushing that whisper as loud as it can go. It hurts me, to push like that. My head has been achy both days.

I've not been listening to music either. I LOVE music. Music is as much a part of my life as food or water. When I hear music, however, I sing. I sing a lot. Except now, my singing isn't working. So my speakers have been as silent as I'm forced to be.

"This is a good lesson in patience for you." Gentleman Jack said to me yesterday, "You have great listening skills. Just gives you a chance to use them."

Yes but did I need to be silenced in order to learn that lesson?!?

All I've done is struggle to speak and fight against the silence. I want to be heard! And in that pushing, I am causing more harm.

This is indeed a lesson in patience. This is also a lesson in acceptance and allowing. Am I allowing my body to know what it needs right now?

Is my body making the choice?

Or is my spirit telling me, "Rest now. Observe. Do not react or force. Sit. Silent. Smile quietly."

Perhaps I will stop fighting those things, my body, my spirit, my energy. Perhaps if I go with it, go with the flow, allow well-being instead of choking it off with my own brute force, perhaps then, my real voice will be revealed.

If I sit and learn my lesson. In Silence.

Monday, June 14, 2010

Reunion: the second night

Since Gentleman Jack had his boys over the weekend, we were unable to participate in many of the daytime reunion activities on Saturday. We did meet a few classmates for a drink and some dinner before we went out to one of our favorite dance clubs from our high school days.

Now, because it was our high school reunion, and because I'm crazy like that, I dressed up in tight, black faux leather spandex pants and a Duran Duran t-shirt and crimped my hair for a full-on 80's look. I'd considered this outfit, or a more conservative one, to wear out that evening. After talking to my classmates, however, I was highly encouraged to pull out the stops and BRANG IT.

Oh and it was brought.

Gentleman Jack and I were looking smashing as we joined our friends on the dance floor Saturday night.

During the evening, another classmate reminisced about the old dancers that used to work at this particular night club. Like go-go dancers, these girls would climb up on to "boxes" that flanked the DJ and dance all night.

Since the place was rented out for us, when the Grandmaster Flash song White Lines came on, I could no longer control myself. This girl, in her spandex, snakeskin high heels and Rio t-shirt that hung off one shoulder, climbed my 40 year old self up onto a box and danced my ass off.

Hey, since the band reunion didn't work out, I had to work my rock star style somehow!

Gentleman Jack stood at my feet and snapped photo after photo as I was cheered on by my classmates. Then, after the song was over, he helped me down from the box and we began dancing together on the dance floor. Gentleman Jack, feeling frisky, got down on his knees to "worship" me and my really cool shoes.

As he began to take one of my feet in his hands, one of our friends ran to us and squealed, "He's going to do it!!"

Gentleman Jack and I looked to each other and to her, confused.

Our classmate, our wonderful friend, had it cemented in her head that Gentleman Jack was going to propose to me.

We laughed and went on to explain to her that neither of us are in any rush for a wedding but thanks for getting so excited about it. Ha! She's so dang sweet.


We had a wonderful weekend all in all. We did encounter a few minor things we needed to work through but wow. We worked through them.

As Gentleman Jack says, "I'm never worried when we encounter these things. I believe that you and I can work through anything. We have so far."

The most ironic part of dealing with these things is that he's becoming less of who I thought he was and more of who he actually is. And the more real he becomes... the more I love him.

Sunday, June 13, 2010

Reunion: the first night

I'm worn out, ya'll. I was not feeling 100% late last week and now, after staying up late 3 nights in a row, I've lost my voice and my mojo. I think I'm going to take a nice hot shower and call it a night.

But first, about the reunion...

I had a blast.


Not a single question came up either.

The weirdest part of reuniting with old classmates is all the OLD shit that still lingers.

"Oh, I never liked him. He was a jerk."


"She's crazy and always has been."


"She ALWAYS had it bad for him. You didn't know?"

And I'm like... REALLY?!?

Which shows how clueless I was in high school. 5 guys were my best friends, 4 of which I was able to hang out with all weekend. LOVE my big brothers!!

But as far as everyone else, I never knew some of that stuff. I always gave everyone the benefit of the doubt, apparently. Or tried to see good in them. Or they were always nice to me. Or something like that.

I did get together with "my guys" aka my big brothers for lunch on Friday. At lunch I realized that the dress I'd borrowed for our cocktail reception Friday night was still hanging at my office. Grrr...

So, I had to go shopping for another one. Darn!

Gentleman Jack and I got all glam and met our classmates that night. We were greeted with "Its (GJ) Friday!"

That's funny because every weekend that I'm going to see him, I change my Facebook status to (Gentleman Jack) Friday. Our classmates not only picked up on it, some of them changed their FB statuses to it that day too! Ha!

There was a slideshow that featured lots of pictures from high school and some recent ones too. Plenty of pics of me and my man were in that show.

I also loved that everyone doted on us as a couple. More than once we were told that if there was a "cutest couple" or "king and queen" at the reunion, it would be us. (Though I know another awesome couple that are already the cutest couple in my eyes!)

After the reception, several of us met at a local steakhouse bar for continued cocktails. Someone mentioned something about FB friends and I realized that one classmate at our table wasn't my FB friend anymore. I asked her about it. And because truth serum works, she smiled at me over her martini and said,

"I unfriended you when you started dating Gentleman Jack. I had a thing for him. And I didn't need you two and your mushiness in my face."

Um... wow.

She begged for forgiveness and would like to send another friend request my way for consideration.

But wait.

There's more.

First, let me say this:

Gentleman Jack makes a point, when we're out together, to stay by my side. He says he's protecting me from other men who may want to pick me up.

People, let me tell you something... I need to be protected not from men, but from the women who are in love with my man.

I kid you not.

At this steakhouse bar, Gentleman Jack walks over to me with a really tall lady and introduces her to me as a long time friend of his. She's drunk, this friend, and she promptly says to me:

"Hi T. I've heard so much about you. Ya'll are too cute together. So cute that it makes me sick. I'm extremely jealous of you. You're gorgeous and you've landed this guy that I want so bad. He's my angel, you know. You've taken my angel."

I was speechless.

Then later, as I ran into her again in the ladies room, she says,

"I know I shouldn't be saying all of this but I swear, if you didn't exist, I would so try to get with him. He's my angel. Do you know that? Do you realize what a great guy you have there? If you didn't exist...but he loves you. He's crazy in love with you and wants to take care of you.  Lucky. You. You're lucky."

I smiled at her, agreed that "yes, I do have a wonderful man" and "did she have someone to drive her home?"

After the encounter, I joined my man back at the bar, wrapped my arms around his neck, and planted a huge kiss on his mouth.

Then I took him home and fucked his brains out.

Because I could.

Thursday, June 10, 2010

The Questions

I'm getting excited about attending my high school reunion this weekend with Gentleman Jack. We did have some of the same groups of friends when we were in high school together. We were acquaintances and yet, we barely spoke or hung out together at all.

I'm also bringing a few photo albums and videos from our high school days, including old photos of both Gentleman Jack and Soldier. (Though not photographed together.)

I KNOW the questions are going to come up.

"So... you dated (Soldier), didn't you? What happened there?"

I know he won't be there. Don't ask me how I know that... I just know he won't be.

But yes, I'll have to explain the whole story of how we reconnected, broke up, and then stopped speaking after his return from Iraq. I pray to God that I have the strength to be impeccably kind with my words. I hope that those people asking, who liked who he was (such a great guy!), won't be able to see the bitterness I sometimes still struggle with because I lost him as a friend.

And then there will be the inevitable question of, "Dating guys from our high school class? What's up with that, T? Are there no dateable men in Dallas?"

Oh and after I explain that the Gentleman Jack thing was a totally unplanned and beautifully unexpected surprise in my life, the next question will be, "So... who's moving? You or him?"

Then, "Well, if neither of you are moving, why continue?"

Yeah... not looking forward to those.

Then again, I recall my previous high school reunion when I'd been separated from my ex-husband for a little over a year, had gone from a high-paying, high-tech career to a stay-at-home-mom to a part-time and eventually full-time office manager job, my father was dying, my house was on the market, I had no dating prospects of ANY sort....

Back then, I bought myself the sexiest red dress and worked that reunion like I OWNED it.

Not a single person asked me those prying questions. Instead, all I heard was how gorgeous I looked and how amazing my life must be.

It's a decision: acknowledging that I do indeed live an amazing life.

Time to own it. Again.

Have a great weekend ya'll.

Wednesday, June 9, 2010

Random thoughts on a Wednesday

I'm not feeling 100% right now. I've not been sleeping straight through the night for some reason. I've ramped up all of my natural remedies and hope for a deep sleep tonight.

I'm running a bath for myself now. If only I could follow that bath with a massage for my aching muscles...


My refrigerator is not cooling these past few days either. As my Gentleman so eloquently put it, "Ah the trials of the single folk."

Yeah, it'd be nice to have someone to help with it or another salary to help pay to fix it or buy a new one....

Then I thought, "Ya know what? I'm pretty darn resourceful. I wonder if I could fix it?"

And I've been working on it. I mean, I was a systems engineer for many years. It also helps to have a fix-it man to call who knows all about appliances.

Now, if only the ex hadn't taken all of the tools... for some reason, I doubt a hammer and single screwdriver are gonna do the trick.



Today was Rose's last full day of school. I'm fortunate enough to work close to her school so that I could attend their end-of-year party.

They did a field day of sorts. Remember field day? They did sack races and egg toss and red rover. It was pretty cute despite the fact that I was standing outside in the heat in high heels. I didn't think to dress for field day when I left for work this morning.

The cutest part of that was watching how she and her little boyfriend would do what they could to stand by each other. Then when I tried to take their picture, they got all shy and stuff.

He says he's a 'chick magnet'... this 8 year old who's won my daughter's heart. Heh. That just cracks me up.


Well, I'm going to go relax in my bath with another dose of vitamin C. Before I go, I wanted to say Thank You ... to all of you who comment here every day. And Thank You to those who don't comment but send me sweet emails telling me how you love the blog. And Thank You to those who read silently and never tell me who you are.

You guys make my days with your support and love.

Thanks again. My bath is calling.

Night all.

Tuesday, June 8, 2010

Sexy Sharing

I've noticed that several readers click through to some of the sexy bloggers on my blog roll.

If you do, or haven't yet, you will notice that I enjoy looking at or reading erotic photographs and stories. You will also find that I read about couples that are into swinging.


Because its hot.

I've blogged in the past about my own thoughts and fears related to monogamy. I also know that, as humans, we are never satisfied. There is always something newer, better, shinier, faster, prettier... Unless we can remain connected with our true selves (and that should be True Selves), we will be as easily distracted as someone with ADHD at a Cirque du Soleil show.

Guess what?


Its completely normal!

Now, whether or not we act on it? That's a whole different topic. We learn to control these urges, don't we? We learn to control our addictions to food, alcohol, watching TV, sweets, sex.

Ah sex...

Its always fun to fantasize about it, isn't it?


According to Jeff Mac's book, Manslations, men fantasize about women they see or meet every day.

He said its *normal*.

We've all read that men have sex on the brain most of the time.

Well, guess what men? There are girls out there like that too.

I'm guilty of it and not ashamed to admit it. I like sex. I enjoy porn. I like seeing girls strip. I love erotic photographs. And yes, if you're gonna blog about sex, you can be damn certain that I will be reading.

Then I'll most likely begin a comment with "Woohoo!!"

I like to look at it. Read about it. Write about it. Think about it. Do it.

Because I. LOVE. SEX.


Gentleman Jack told me, before we even met, that he believes in monogamy.

We'd already discussed my colorful past in my previous relationship and my liaisons with women. He surprised me with this statement as I'd never heard a man so upfront about a committed sexual relationship.

I love this about him. He makes me believe in it too.

But we still love to fantasize.

I have never shared my fantasies before and I have never had a man want to share his fantasies with me. It surprised me, at first.

Since then I have read article after article about sharing fantasies with your lover. It spices things up. It opens up communication on many different levels.

However, just as with a swinging married couple, sharing fantasy involves A LOT of trust and discussion. There have been some times that he wants to share a fantasy and I simply can't handle it. The same can be said for him. We both have to remain very aware of each other's mentality in that moment - either logical or emotional.

When we do share these fantasies with each other, with complete understanding and trust that they are *only fantasies*, it opens up a whole new world.

I mean, what's hotter than your lover saying this turns me on... and YOU get to benefit? Just like I said about masturbation, I think that knowing what turns you on and sharing that with your partner, makes for a wonderful sex life.

I really believe that is why our sex life continues to get better and better.

Have you ever shared your fantasies?


Here are a few other sex-positive places on the web that aren't in my blogroll:

LOVE the animated sex positions on this site's sex position guide:

Courtesy of

A blogger who teaches blowjobs. I like it. And it never hurts to learn more, right?

I'm in love with Liberator sex furniture:

Sexis rocks. And even more specifically: Tuesdays with Nina
(I crush on Nina Hartley. Bad.)

I also love Susie Bright. She does an online podcast called, "In bed with Susie Bright". Lets just say a certain blogger that you're currently reading did an interview with Susie not too long ago. Subscribe to her podcasts and you could hear me. *big smile*

Do you have any sexy websites you'd like to share?

Monday, June 7, 2010


I was having a discussion with my brother this afternoon about my daughters. They will be visiting with my family this weekend and may spend some time around the family issues I've blogged about recently. As I expressed concern for how comfortable they might be, my brother remarked:

"As long as they have each other, they'll be fine."

I had to agree.


I have a photo of my daughters on my desk at work in a frame that says, "The very best of sisters". In the photo, taken well over two years ago, they are embracing, face to face.

When others see this photo, they remark at the absolute cuteness of it. They'll also ask, "Are your daughters really that close?"

Yes. Yes they are.

As a working single mother whose tasks far outnumber the hours in the day, my daughters have had to entertain each other, work things out together, fight and play together. Most of the time that they have problems that need solved - little things like opening the jar of peanut butter or big things like how to handle girl drama - I beg them to rely on each other.

I used to joke with Rose, when Grace was just a baby, that I had her sister just for her, so that she could have a playmate.

I think I've also mentioned that Rose knew that I was pregnant with Grace long before I took a pregnancy test to confirm. One day, my sweet 2-year old approached me, quite non-chalantly, and announced, "Mommy, you have a sister in your belly."

And thus their connection was made.


When Gentleman Jack was over with his boys, I noticed my daughters leaning on each other, supporting each other, having each others' back. Jack even remarked that the girls were conniving against the boys. They kept a united front. They didn't fight at all.

I see this at their preschool/daycare that they'll be attending all summer. Even though they have different classes and different friends, at the end of the day, when they're the last few there, they play together like old friends.

I wonder if they'll be those sisters who fight with each other, challenge each other, give each other grief, but don't you dare step in to cause strife. They will more than likely pair up and take you down.


I love how they love and support each other. Sisterhood is one of the beautiful things in life that I have been fortunate to experience. Sadly, my sister and I are on the outs as she struggles through her divorce and personal battles.

I feel a little disconnected. I feel like I'm not okay because "we don't have each other." I can only assume she feels the same way.

I hope that changes soon. Until then, I'm going to enjoy the beautiful friendship I see developing right before my eyes.

Thanks to Jolene for inspiring this with her own "sisters" post.

Sunday, June 6, 2010

Manifestation and Mirrors

I have to giggle at myself after Friday's vent. Guess I really needed to let out some steam, eh? The most hilarious (and most ironic) part of it all was when I read it back yesterday and realized, "Heh. Look at that. I could just as easily be talking to myself... doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results... doubting my self-worth and not allowing the love in."

Yeah, people in our lives are definitely our mirrors, aren't they?


I was driving the girls and I to Grace's ballet recital on Saturday when I heard this song on the radio:

The song brought a pained smile to my face because I remember that I'd added it to a mix cd I made for Soldier during his deployment. The song always makes me think of him.

The very next song was this one:

That was a song that I'd recently added to a mix cd for my Gentleman. He does make me smile big.

As I drove, I thought of the coincidence of those songs being played back to back. And then I had a huge meta-physical revelation...

Both of those men in my life were nothing more than LOVE MANIFESTED.

I've read in both science and spiritual texts that we are nothing more than pure energy. The energy, I've come to believe, is actually Love.

We express that energy in one of two ways: love or a call for love.

I'm either loving or I'm asking for love. At all times.

If I really think of that, of everything in our lives being nothing but energy, and that energy manifests into form, then Soldier, Jack, my ex-husband?? They were each manifestations of love... in a form that I would recognize and allow to love me, if only briefly.

The problem, it seems, is that I attach myself to the form. When that form goes away, for whatever reason, it seems as if love is gone.

But the love is never gone! It only disperses it's energy from that form and into everything around me. Everything that reminds me of love... the breeze in my hair, the wine in my glass, the light from my candle, the warmth of my relaxing bath. Those things are also love manifested.

The love never goes away.


That vent from Friday was something I needed to get out, it was something I needed to experience. I needed to recognize my own call for love in those around me.

I forget to recognize that, at times, and it bubbles to the surface as a painful emotion. I allowed myself to feel that anger (Yay me!) and put it out there - only to realize that I was doing the exact same thing as those people in my life who were ticking me off!

The love never went away. The people in my life were manifestations of my own call for love, just as the relationships of my life were manifestations of love. In the truth of that realization, I can breathe easy again. I can give again. I can also FORgive myself and them for the mistakes we all make and the lessons we must learn on our own.

Maybe this realization sounds a little woo-woo to some. I don't know. I guess I'm looking forward to the day that coming from a loving place isn't woo-woo.

It'll happen.

"Anybody can love the most wonderful parts of another person. But that’s not the clever trick. The really clever trick is this: Can you accept the flaws? Can you look at your partner’s faults honestly and say, 'I can work around that. I can make something out of that.'? Because the good stuff is always going to be there, and it’s always going to be pretty and sparkly, but the crap underneath can ruin you."
~ Elizabeth Gilbert

Friday, June 4, 2010

Guilt and Shame: Its an inside job

I'm not sure how coherent this post will be as I'm pissed. And sometimes, pissed and coherent don't go well together.


Dear God, guilt has destroyed so many days, years, relationships... Guilt was what destroyed my marriage.

The most frustrating part of guilt, to me, is that I'm surrounded by people who say, "It hurts when I do this." and I'm always the one who says, "Well, then STOP DOING THAT."

And because I tell you to stop kicking your own ass, I BECOME THE ENEMY?


All of that guilt and shame are yours, your special gift to your own fucking self. You carry it around in your baggage and never look at it. You never stop to say, "Is this serving me?"

Instead you use that shame to hold secrets. Secrets that destroy you from the inside out. Secrets that destroy relationships. Secrets that fester from self-hate, shame and guilt.

Instead you prove Einstein's definition of insanity... doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.

What the hell is wrong with living honestly, authentically?!? I promise your life will feel a whole lot less heavy if you do.

And I KNEW what would happen...

I knew it. I could feel it emanating from you. I can always sense guilt and shame and only God knows why I have this sixth sense to know that shit. I knew that if I even bothered to cast my shadow in your direction that you'd turn your own self-sabotage into MY ATTACKING YOU.

When I did nothing of the sort!

But isn't so much better to blame someone else for the pain you're causing yourself? Doesn't it feel really good to project all of that crap on to the person standing closest to you? You think it will make you feel lighter to do that but it doesn't, does it? No. Now you hate yourself even more.

You'll blame me for that too.

All I did was give a flying fuck because I see you hurt yourself over and over and over and you tell me how it hurts you over and over and over and I'm sick of the whole damn thing.

I don't know whether to tell you to stop sharing your pain with me or if I should just stop fucking caring.

I'm so leery of pointing out the guilt and shame that these days, I don't say anything. I am simply there, silently loving you.

But of course! Because you're all filled up with guilt and shame, there's no room inside you for caring. No. How dare I even bother to care when you're in this battle with yourself? How dare I suggest that you replace that guilt and shame with love?

No. I'm an all out bitch for doing that.

The worst part is... I actually take it personally that you reject my love. I take it personally that you'd rather continue filling yourself with self-hatred than allowing me love you. That's flat out ridiculous. Completely crazy. I'm letting it affect my own self-worth... or rather, I'm realizing that I allowed that to happen before.

Well, no more.


Go fuck yourself.

You seem to enjoy doing that anyway.

You let me know when you're willing to let me in again. I'll be over here still sending love to you. When you stop batting it away, you will see that I've NEVER given up on you.

Til then...

Thursday, June 3, 2010


We were enjoying some outdoor fun in the sun on my backyard wooden deck when I noticed that Rose wasn't wearing any shoes.

"Rose, put your shoes on. You don't want to get splinters, remember?"

"I know Mom. No one else is wearing shoes right now though."

Famous last words...

As soon as the adults sat down to our grilled dinner, I heard her wails from outside.

"SPLINTER! Mommy! OW!!"

An enormous splinter was wedged under her skin as giant tears fell from her eyes. I didn't handle it very well. I was angry. Didn't I just tell her to put on her shoes?!

I also recalled past splinter moments of her screaming in my ear, fighting me, kicking me, not allowing me to touch her feet until I forcibly held her with my body weight and threatened punishments.

Against my wishes, my brother immediately abandoned his hot steak dinner to come to the rescue of my daughter.

He had no idea what he was getting into.

After I finished my dinner, he was ready for the tag team to step in. She'd been shrieking on the floor of my bathroom for nearly a half an hour. All of the other kids were standing nearby, watching as if she was lying in torture. I walked in to see my brother, spent, and attempting to hold the foot of my freakishly strong 8 year old daughter.

I sat with her as he escaped to take a breather. I fought with her, held her, talked to her, bribed her, listened to her scream painfully in my ear for another half an hour. As I began to lose my patience, Gentleman Jack stepped in.

Gentleman Jack has been trying to convince me that he and Rose have a special bond. My Grace? She's pretty non-discriminatory about sharing her snuggles. Rose is a cynic. It takes a while to win her trust. Gentleman Jack was convinced they bonded on first meeting.

I moved aside as he sat with her. He took her foot in his hand and began talking in patient, gentle tones. He made jokes. He explained how splinters get under the skin. He explained how the needle would go in the same way. He showed her how he could run the needle into the epidermis of his hand or foot and it caused no pain at all. He taught her how to put the needle into his hand and her hand without causing any pain. He explained nerves and pain receptors and she listened with bright shiny eyes that were filled with gratitude and... trust.

I think I fell in love with him all over again.

An hour later, she was quiet but the splinter was still lodged in her foot. She was still nervous and frightened about anyone trying to remove it. But she was calm.

Gentleman Jack, bless his heart, was spent too.

Two hours and two men down, it was time for Mommy to step in. Force, shrieks, exhaustion, tears and 30 minutes later, the &^$*# splinter was out.

She thanked me with big hugs and apologies. She also thanked her uncle and Gentleman Jack. Gentleman Jack lifted her from the ground and they hugged the tightest that I've ever seen before. His arms wrapped around her, he smiled at me and mouthed the word, "Bonded."


The next evening, we discovered a splinter in Grace's foot too. Frustrated, I gave the newly-designated-splinter-removal-tools to Rose and asked her to see if she could take care of her now-shrieking sister.

As I left the room, I heard Rose talking in patient, gentle tones, "Ok, this is what (Gentleman Jack) told me. You see... the needle goes under the skin like this. And it doesn't hurt at all..."


Yeah. I think I'll keep him.

Wednesday, June 2, 2010

Flow of thoughts in time of crisis

I believe that at any moment in time, someone could accuse you of something that you've never done. And they will be so convinced that they're right that nothing you do will change their mind.

I believe that just because you're being honest with someone, it doesn't mean that they still don't have a right to react to your honesty.

I also believe that just because someone reacts to your honesty, it doesn't mean that you should change your thoughts, shut down and/or never be honest with them again.

I believe that most people put on an act or mask when they're around others. But just because they do that, it doesn't mean that they don't know who they truly are on some level.

I believe that we all need to be reminded who we truly are.

I believe that sometimes, those reminders appear to be quite traumatic.

I also believe that when we stop putting on an act or mask and begin to show more of who we are, some people will start to fall away from our lives.

I believe that there is a power always looking out for our greater good.

I believe that change happens.

I believe in the changeless.

I believe we will only take as much abuse as we abuse ourselves.

I believe that age has nothing to do with maturity.

I believe that maturity has everything to do with listening, observing and not reacting.

I believe that 1% of acts committed by humans are selfless. The other 99% are completely (and mostly subconsciously) ego-driven.

I believe because of that, we all make mistakes and we always will.

I believe that our mistakes can make or break us.

I believe in loving the person even when I don't agree with their actions.

I believe that divorce lawyers deal with more ugliness than criminal lawyers.

I believe that divorce affects a family as much as, if not worse than, cancer.

I believe that family isn't always determined by blood.

I believe that we all need space to process change and traumatic reminders.

I believe that love is boundless.

I believe that this too will pass.

Tuesday, June 1, 2010

Ups and Downs of an LDR

This past weekend marked the one year anniversary of my meeting Gentleman Jack for the first time.

Well, strictly speaking, my first time meeting him since high school.

I'm completely crazy in love with the guy. Ask anyone in my life.

Yet, as I read over the blog posts I've written, and as I live in my brain, I know that I have doubts still.

I worry.

I have fears.

I overthink.

I analyze the hell out of us, our different personalities, our different interests, our differences.

I freeze up. I've had moments where I wanted to end things with him.

But I haven't ended it.


Because the only reason I've thought to end it is that we live 200 miles apart from each other.

Is that a good reason?

I honestly think that my doubts have more to do with the distance between us than anything else. Long distance is ridiculous. It flat out sucks donkey dicks. I hate it sometimes.

I feel sad about the lack of resolution to this distance problem. He has a business that he's built for over 10 years in his hometown. He cannot move. If I don't move, we will continue going long distance. If it were only me, the thought of moving would be less complicated ...but with my children... their father... their friendships here... And quite frankly, I do love my city. I do not wish to leave.


When we're together, we're GREAT together. We make an awesome parenting team. We're wonderfully attentive partners to each other.

Those who knew beyond a doubt that Soldier was bad for me have noted to me, many times, the difference in me since Gentleman Jack has been in my life. I've been pulled aside or sent messages from those in Gentleman Jack's life saying the same about him. There are a number of his friends and family that have said to me, "You have no idea how happy you make him."

I've realized that I'm a better, more patient, more present mom to my children. I've realized that the enormous support system I built for myself as a single person, I no longer require. In fact, I feel overwhelmed by the fringes of acquaintances that I've attempted to maintain to fend off loneliness.

I just don't feel as lonely anymore.

I also still enjoy my independence. I was married for 13 years to a man who was gone a majority of the time. I am used to being in a relationship and still going to bed alone every night. Gentleman Jack is not. I can feel his struggles sometimes.

I struggle too. I've been in past relationships where trust was shattered, never to be regained. It is amazing that we're able to retain such a fleeting thing as trust. I wonder if it really is true that the looser you hold on to someone, the stronger the trust is built.

We communicate and listen to each other better than any relationship in my past.

Still, we're both afraid of losing that if we did see each other every day. Would we, eventually, stop talking? Lose connection? Take each other for granted?


"What you believe is being withheld from you, you are actually withholding."

I've read the above statement or similar statement in several places during my spiritual studies. I also notice that when I have doubts, when I live in fear, it causes a reaction in Gentleman Jack. He gets scared too. Then I, in turn, react to his fear and we spiral.

In order for me to feel his love, to feel his assuredness in this long distance relationship, I have to give that to him too. When I give love, I feel love. When I release my doubts, he does too.

And we rise up in love together!

Then we're able to enjoy this. Appreciate it. Continue it. Even if neither of us knows the 'how' or 'when' or 'what if'.

I also read somewhere that the most successful couple doesn't look to each other but rather looks forward together. I feel like we do that. I'd like to believe our future together could be anything we want it to be.


Bliss means so much more when it's shared.