I love you. I'm here for you. I'm listening as you, once again, give me news that makes you feel sad and unworthy of any good that occurs in your life. I hear you as you tell me that you deserve to hurt, because you didn't choose wisely, you were "stupid", or you reacted without thinking.
I've heard you say these things to me for a while now. I've witnessed you refusing help or aid or even kind words because you feel that you are a 'bad person'.
Can you, instead, look at yourself as a good, whole, beautiful person who made a mistaken choice?
That is how I see you.
And honestly, if you truly regret those mistakes, if you truly want to be better, then allow me to let you in on a little secret:
You have to look at the belief behind your mistaken choices.
I understand that it is painful to go back and face the fear that caused the wrong choice. I know it is very frightening to admit. Boy, do I get it!
You have to, though. Or else, guess what? You will do it again. I know you don't want to hear that because, in this moment, you're hurting so bad from what you did. You're feeling so sad, such regret... that you think it'll just be easier to act like it didn't happen. It's easier to shake it off and move forward telling yourself, "I feel bad enough. Surely my suffering will wipe the slate clean and guarantee that I won't do THAT again!"
But you will. YOU WILL. If you've never stopped to look at WHY you did it, what you were feeling in that moment, then that fear will hang around like the proverbial elephant in the room. Then, in a similar moment, you will react the exact. same. way.
You have to shine a light on that fear, my friend. You have to do some deep self-analysis, admit and then accept that you are not perfect. And those long-held beliefs you've held about yourself from childhood or past experiences? Those aren't serving you; they're hurting you. You must look at them! When you do, you will see that they are NOT TRUE!
No one wants to think that they're actually choosing to hurt themselves or others, but that, in fact, is what you're continuing to do. You're continuing to do that by acting like those mistakes never happened in the first place because it is too painful to look inside.
The bravest, strongest, most inspirational gift you can give yourself (and others) is to FACE THAT FEAR. Figure out those beliefs. Dismantle them. Dissolve them. Then, when a situation arises again, your core belief about it will be different. You will be driven by something else and no longer act from that place of fear.
Your actions will be different because your thoughts will be different.
That fear is nothing more than a block that you are placing between you and the good of which YOU ARE WORTHY. There is so much love and goodness that you ask for in life. You question why it doesn't appear to happen to you... but only everyone else.
It *IS* happening to you. All the time. I see it. I point it out!
It is a long time habit to kick your own ass. (I get that too.) It's ok to make mistakes. It is ok to feel bad about it. It is NOT ok to avoid addressing it. It is NOT ok to think of yourself as a hateful person.
If you think of yourself as filled with hate, well... that is what you will see in the world. That is the belief that will drive you in your decisions. That is the belief that will cause you to make the same mistakes, over and over again.
Sadly, the belief that you are a bad person is nothing more than a self-fulfilling prophecy.
We both know that is not who you really are. We both know that is not whom you wish to portray. Believe me when I tell you, forgiving yourself is the greatest joy you can give to the world. Then you will quickly learn that giving to the world is giving to your self (and vice versa!).
I am here. I am holding your hand. I am observing your actions and your core beliefs as separate from who I think you are. I don't judge you by those mistakes. I know your heart. I see your sadness. I see your pain. I see that your actions are nothing more than a call for love.
I wish you could see yourself the way that I see you.
"Enlightenment is not imagining figures of light but making the darkness conscious."
~ Carl Gustav Jung
"The only thing lacking in any situation is our own awareness of love."
~ Marianne Williamson
"Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it."