Monday, January 3, 2011

Winter of Discontent

I've been praying a lot. I'm definitely starting off 2011 following the intention I set of allowing God to take the reigns.

I still feel very lost and frustrated about many things... my relationship included. Part of me feels like I want something more, but then another part of me is so very thankful for the long distance and the fact that we each have our own space. Remember how the word "marriage" scared the living daylights out of me?

I feel the same way about my job. I'm happy that it's close to my house and I have so much freedom but I'd still like more. I want to feel inspired again.

I feel the same way about my fitness. I could easily work up to another triathlon or 160 mile charity bike ride but I'm not feeling it. I want to do more yoga because it makes my body so happy but... I'm fighting that too.

I feel the same way about food, my house, my car, my friendships, my family, my wardrobe, my... EVERYTHING. Apparently, I'm extremely unsettled right now.

There's THAT realization to start off the New Year. How about that, huh? Well, I guess you gotta start somewhere.

So... I've been praying a lot.

***

I'm holding off on seeing Gentleman Jack until we each have a weekend without kids. (With the exception of his teen son who's always around.)

In the meanwhile, my daughters are begging to go back to Louisiana to visit him again. It makes him cry happy tears that my girls love him so much. He can't get enough of them.

But I need my alone time with him, ya'll. Call me selfish.

***

I started yet another herbal remedy to help balance out the hormonal issues I'm having. It may take a few weeks or even months before I notice a difference. I guess we'll see.

I really would like to not wear makeup and not wear clothes and smile at how beautiful I think I am, ya know? Is that so much to ask?

***

Basically the crux of things is that I'm unsettled and very dissatisfied. The thing is, I can't imagine what could satisfy me here! As humans, it is built into our very nature to be unsatisfied! I KNOW this. I'm honestly fighting this battle of realization with "human desire" versus "being content with what is".

Maybe I know too much about the temporary nature of things to enjoy them...

Therefore, I must apologize to all of you wonderful people who are so positive and motivated to start off the year. I'm sorry I'm still lagging behind. I'm sorry that I'm in a big rut right now. I don't mean to be a Debbie Downer.

I've been praying a lot...

19 comments:

  1. There's nothing with wanting a weekend alone with your man. I don't know if CBG and I could keep doing what we're doing without them. If we had "quantity" time together as a family it might be different, but instead we have to go for "quality". And that includes time withOUT kids.

    And the good thing about feeling discontent sometimes is that the feeling can motivate you to get out there and make some positive changes in your life...if you let it.

    Keep praying. The rest will come.

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  2. Nothing wrong with not wanting the kids around for EVERY visit with GJ. With a long-distance relationship, you absolutely NEED to have some alone one-on-one time...so don't feel guilty about having those feelings.

    I love Sunshine's girls...and she loves my son. But we get to share and learn and grow as a couple a lot better when we're alone together.

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  3. I'd love to know more about your adrenal fatigue and the remedies you use to help control and repair the damage. I believe I may have it too, and would love your advice. Feel free to email if you want to,or even leave as a comment on my blog (or a post here?). I'd really love to know.

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  4. Hormonal issues...erg. I am having my own fling with imbalance in that department. I wish this business would straighten itself out already! So I feel your pain.

    As for needing alone time with GJ? Um...Hell yeah! Especially in a long distance relationship. There's nothing wrong with wanting/needing that.

    I go through periods like you describe here where I stress about everything. A few things will be out of whack, and that makes me feel worried about *everything*. I find that sometimes just addressing one big issue makes it all fall into place--like the one big thing is a foundation for it all, and when its good, everything is good.

    The trick is to find which issue is the foundation of it all.

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  5. Just givin' ya a hug, T. Isn't anything that you are feeling that isn't normal to feel at some point - discontent is what drives us to continue to grow and better ourselves, our households, our careers, our relationships. A MALcontent is what you don't want to be - and you are faaaar from that. :)

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  6. I dont think its selfish to want alone time. I think its a must in order to stay sane sometimes.

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  7. Here's hoping you're doing better! You're perfectly normal. I'm struggling with this myself, especially the work one.

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  8. I am so sorry that you are struggling so much, but as others have said, I think that struggle with you comes a whole lot of growth too. So, I am here and excited to see what the new years has in store for you!
    I think that by the end of this year, you are going to look back at these last couple of posts and breathe a HUGE sigh of relief at how much you grew from all of this!
    Here is to 2011 and what good things it is going to bring us!!!!!!!!

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  9. Stick with it - you deserve happiness and I know it will find you!

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  10. T, You're loved....

    The rest will fall into place when that time comes.

    Hugs,
    KC

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  11. Maybe the reason that you are so unsettled about everything is so that you can make some really positive changes in your life. Take some risks. Gain some big rewards. Just maybe. Lots of hugs going your way until you figure it all out.

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  12. There's nothing wrong with wanting time alone with your man :)
    I love that my son and my boyfriend love each other and love being with each other but sometimes I need time alone with him just for me.

    And for the record you are BEAUTIFUL. You don't need makeup, or clothes for that matter, and you know what there are some days we all wake up feeling like that isn't true.
    You are beautiful on the inside and the outside, even on days when you don't feel it but relish in the days when you do so that at times like this it's easier to remind yourself of what a wonderful person you are.

    Things are going to fall into place, don't you worry.

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  13. I'm sorry your year is starting off bumpy. It'll all smooth out and you'll see whatever direction and light you are meant to see.

    Keep your head up, T!

    And I think a solo weekend with Jack is just what you two need. :)

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  14. Dude, you are SO entitled to alone time with your man!

    Sounds to me like everyone is talking about balance in 2011. Maybe that's the new years theme.

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  15. I've been thinking about you so much lately. You have always amazed me with your strength and your outlook on life. You inspire. Even now with your blatant honesty, you inspire others.

    You'll find your balance. Time and patience.

    Sending hugs your way.

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  16. I TOO have been thinking about you much (as Nicki's comment above)...and hope you find the balance you are looking for, and I know you will. Feel what you need to feel, don't be too hard on yourself. As you would tell me too, methinks. :)

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  17. Regarding the hormone issues: I have been taking an herbal supplement for Adrenal Support. There was a section of about 6 different combination herbal remedies specifically for adrenal support. Ask the person who works in supplements at the health food store.

    I've also been asked to supplement with the herb Chasteberry (or Vitex). It helps with PMS symptoms too. Hope that helps!

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  18. I hate to break it to you, but nothing earthly will ever satisfy you. If we were completely satisifed on earth, we would not ever want to leave and join our heavenly Father. So, you will not find satisfaction on earth, it will be waiting for us in heaven. This really is not home, heaven is home and we are not there yet.

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  19. I'm right there with you on feeling unsettled and the New Year never seems to help. Just when I thought I had found a direction it was gone and now I'm back to figuring it all out again. I need to work on feeling OK with where I am at each exact day, why am I always looking for something else? The million dollar question!

    P.S. Good be catching back up on blogs and see how you've been doing. :-)

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