I've been praying a lot. I'm definitely starting off 2011 following the intention I set of allowing God to take the reigns.
I still feel very lost and frustrated about many things... my relationship included. Part of me feels like I want something more, but then another part of me is so very thankful for the long distance and the fact that we each have our own space. Remember how the word "marriage" scared the living daylights out of me?
I feel the same way about my job. I'm happy that it's close to my house and I have so much freedom but I'd still like more. I want to feel inspired again.
I feel the same way about my fitness. I could easily work up to another triathlon or 160 mile charity bike ride but I'm not feeling it. I want to do more yoga because it makes my body so happy but... I'm fighting that too.
I feel the same way about food, my house, my car, my friendships, my family, my wardrobe, my... EVERYTHING. Apparently, I'm extremely unsettled right now.
There's THAT realization to start off the New Year. How about that, huh? Well, I guess you gotta start somewhere.
So... I've been praying a lot.
I'm holding off on seeing Gentleman Jack until we each have a weekend without kids. (With the exception of his teen son who's always around.)
In the meanwhile, my daughters are begging to go back to Louisiana to visit him again. It makes him cry happy tears that my girls love him so much. He can't get enough of them.
But I need my alone time with him, ya'll. Call me selfish.
I started yet another herbal remedy to help balance out the hormonal issues I'm having. It may take a few weeks or even months before I notice a difference. I guess we'll see.
I really would like to not wear makeup and not wear clothes and smile at how beautiful I think I am, ya know? Is that so much to ask?
Basically the crux of things is that I'm unsettled and very dissatisfied. The thing is, I can't imagine what could satisfy me here! As humans, it is built into our very nature to be unsatisfied! I KNOW this. I'm honestly fighting this battle of realization with "human desire" versus "being content with what is".
Maybe I know too much about the temporary nature of things to enjoy them...
Therefore, I must apologize to all of you wonderful people who are so positive and motivated to start off the year. I'm sorry I'm still lagging behind. I'm sorry that I'm in a big rut right now. I don't mean to be a Debbie Downer.
I've been praying a lot...