I have been so excited about the task I chose to take on at work. I've been firehosed with information overload about it since last week. Everyday I've had to learn to be discerning about what applies to me and what doesn't. Then just as quickly as I was excited about it, I hit a wall and that glee was gone.
I think what it comes down to.... is that I need help. I cannot do it alone. But at my job, I handle SO many tasks that I can't focus on any of them long enough to be good at them. In large companies, they have entire groups of people that take on each of the responsibilities that I do, as a single person for this company.
Then, in the middle of all of this, my handsome fisherMAN sent me pictures of the GIANT ASS fish he caught in practice for a very large tournament he's competing in this weekend. He's so good at that. He's such a bad ass!
And it hit me.
I don't feel like I can be a bad ass at ANYTHING because I have to do EVERYTHING.
It's not just at work either. Even at home, as a single mother, I have to be the chef, maid, house maintenance person, car maintenance person, yard maintenance person, child and puppy maintenance person! Honestly, those labels don't even scratch the surface. I won't be a gourmet in the kitchen, have the amazing yard, a clean house where everything is in working order or a car that doesn't have something that requires fixing.
I have to get used to that. You'd think I would be, by now, right?
My meals will be okay. My house will look nice and livable. My car will get me from point A to point B. I am happy with these things! Don't get me wrong! Sometimes though, I want just a wee bit better than I can do. But pushing myself to get it all done... and in that perfect way that I imagine? Well... that doesn't make me a happy person either.
I'd love to be that friend who remembers thank you cards and birthday cards. I'd love to take my mom out for nice dinners. I'd like to take my girls to Disney World. Until then, my kids will have to settle for staycations in or around town. Mom and I will go dutch and my friends? They're my friends cause they get me, ya know?
Even when it comes to blogging, I feel mediocre. There are a ton more blogs out there that make mine pale in comparison. Sometimes, I think I should shrink back and say, "Go read this blog instead of mine" and silently do my journaling in MS Word at home.
When I confessed this to my Gentleman, he gave me a line about how my "definition of mediocrity was someone else's greatness". That was really sweet and I appreciate it. I'm sure he's right. I should know better than to compare myself to anyone else's greatness... Besides, I know what he gives up trying to do so that he can focus on being the most fantastical, bad ass fisherman he is.
I am doing the best I can with what I've got. I have to learn to appreciate that I AM able to accomplish as much as I can, a "jill of all trades" and give up the notion of being awesome at any of them, a "master of none." At least for now.
Still, I remember the days when I could focus on doing ONE THING right. And I felt pretty damn awesome.
I miss that.