Thursday, March 3, 2011

Bittersweet Closure

*deep breath*

....

This is a toughie. This... is going to be one of those tear-stained posts that may take me a while to put together....

I would normally wait to publish this in the morning because I already have published one post today.

This can't wait, though.

Ok, here goes.


For those of you who've been reading a while, you will recall the story of Soldier. Long story short:

He was a good friend from high school who crushed on me. I didn't know he had feelings for me until we parted ways for college. Over the years he would contact me here and there to say hello and check my marital status. We finally re-connected after my 20th high school reunion. Began dating. Fell in love REALLY quickly. He departed for Iraq. I started this blog...

I waited a year for him, documenting everything, every emotion, email, phone call, all here on the blog. We planned a future together. I sent care packages. He returned for a quick R & R, wasn't the same person, broke my heart into a million pieces, and went back to Iraq for 3 more months. Then he kept calling and trying to get back in with me but claimed he "wasn't ready for a relationship". I agreed to be friends but he wouldn't relent that he wanted "more" but not "everything". We finally ended after I caught him in a lie. I last heard from him 2 years ago, this month. His last words were incoherent screaming at me on the phone... My last words were, "I'm so sorry, honey. This isn't going to work out..."

Since I began this blog, I have tried to figure out if we'd have a future. We were in love but he struggled with his deployment and feelings. I hung on for both of us. Then, I realized I wanted something palpable after our breakup. I WAS ready for a relationship. I couldn't wait anymore. I beat myself up thinking I was being unfair. Even since our breakup, I'd wondered many times if I'd screwed up... that maybe I put pressure on a wounded man. I've struggled with the pain of his narcissism that was exacerbated by post-traumatic-stress-disorder. I've made up every excuse in the book in order to save a small place in my heart for him. That's what I do. I refuse to believe he could be as ugly as it appeared. I've struggled with the loss of him, his friendship, and even fighting with myself about whether or not to mention him in the blog anymore.

I've begged the Universe, God, and all that was mighty for closure.

****

If you follow me on Twitter, you know that he uploaded a recent photo to a social networking site. We're "connected" on this site, per his initiation last fall. Any attempts I've made to contact him, as a friend, and wish him well were left without a reply. I put him out of my mind. This small connection was more than enough for me - just to know that he was ok, on U.S. soil, healthy and happy.

I saw the picture last night and he, once again, took my breath away. He is still stunningly beautiful to me. I've been angry at myself for 24 hours because of the very physical reaction I still have to seeing his face. It doesn't matter that my heart knows better. I doesn't matter that my mind knows better. My body still responded. I cried myself to sleep that night, again, begging for closure.

****

I have most excellent investigative skillz.

I used them today to find out what is going on with him. He was so in my head today that I mistakenly called a few people, "David", his name. I had to resolve it. Wipe it clean.

Well, to all of you who stood by me as I waited for my soldier to return home from war.... to all of you who read my posts and held me up while I mourned the loss of him... to all of you who understood why he was still haunting me... and all those questions about the future we should have had...

Today, I found out that he has a girlfriend. A sweet, adorable, loving girlfriend who not only has the same interests as him (which is fantastic!) but she is also young enough to bear him the children that I wasn't going to.

I also found out...

That she was in his battalion in Iraq. She was deployed with him. She was with him the entire time he was at war. She came home with him. More than likely, they fell in love while in Iraq.

Now I know why he didn't want me to greet him when his plane landed after the 15 month deployment. Now I know why he pulled away. Now I know why it felt as if he was hiding things and keeping secrets those last 6 months of being "together". Now I know why it felt like something shifted... why he was able to hurt me so easily... why he felt so guilty... why he kept apologizing....


It was all a LIE.


A mother-fucking, stab-me-in-the-heart, in your face LIE.

He could have been brave with me. He was facing gun fire, bombs, IED's, death at every turn...BUT he was too damn chicken-shit to tell me the truth.

I would have understood. Hey, in those circumstances, I would think it easy to fall in love with someone. Absolutely. But no, he wasn't honest. He wasn't even honest with her about me. Somehow I went from the "22 year long love of his life" to his "personal porn star".

I'm happy that he's happy. I really am. I'm so glad they fit together so perfectly. That brings me so much peace.

But to know that it was a lie? That hurtssssssssssssss

That hurts really REALLY REALLY REALLY bad.

I'm considering deleting every post that has to do with him. I know it is part of my history and a HUGE portion of this blog... but it is not the truth.

Not. The. Truth.

The good news is... now when I see that new picture, I see nothing at all.

And now, tomorrow night, I will crawl into my man's arms again. A REAL MAN. A man who is honest and true. A man who tells me he loves me over and over again. A man who hasn't faced enemy gunfire but would fight an entire war for me.

That is the love of MY life.

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