Thanks again to all of you for the most awesome comments on last week's post. That sent me into a tailspin, for sure.
But it was a tailspin filled with awareness too.
First of all, I realized why it made me so sad. I wanted to have FAITH in him. I wanted to BELIEVE in him. I don't like to think he's an ass or carry around anger. I honestly do wish him well. I am well beyond the reasons we didn't work out. I was just stunned at the realization. I completely disregarded so many clues along the way. I even overlooked things he actually said because I wanted to believe differently.
Call me naive, I guess.
Then I read Baggage Reclaim today and, once again, her post rang so familiar. He *was* a Fast Forwarder when we initially began dating. He was about to go to war. He'd waited 22 years for me.
He was also a Future Faker. He did have grandiose ideas and plans. I don't think he was trying to pull one over on me. I think he really does want those things. I am just not sure he's capable of achieving them the way he's going through life. He'd be the first one to tell you that. He believes the Army has fucked up any chance at a decent relationship. Sadly, many of you told me similar soldier stories... so he may be right in blaming it on the Army.
Then again, I think a man of honor is a man of honor. No matter the circumstances.
Perhaps I AM naive.
Even among the sick and twisted, dark, selfish things in the world. Like some of the scenes in this list of the most disturbing films ever made.
Or this example of how kids are finding more and more ways to be hateful to each other.
(Both of these stories came to my attention last week as I struggled to believe that people are inherently good.)
Me? I tend to shield myself from cruelty and hate. I can't watch the news. I have to turn away from violence. I wrote about why I analyze so much in my life last week, also admitting that I attempt to protect my emotional and delicate psyche.
Perhaps this latest realization with my ex is nothing more than a challenge of my faith in humankind.
I mean, I've cheated too. I know what that's like. I also know that he made a habit of "relationship stacking" out of pure fear of being alone. He HAS no faith in humankind. For that reason, I must send him love.
I have a friend who is an amazingly calm and gentle yoga teacher. She used to tell me that her teacher would have classes outside in India, in a public park, among the chaos of cars, people walking by and city noise. Her teacher would say "it's easy to find peace in a quiet classroom. The real challenge is to find peace among the chaos."
I suppose this is my challenge. Can I still find love in a place of hate? Can I still believe in the inherent good of man despite the ugliness and selfish nature we all display in our ego-centric lives? Can I see the fear in another's eyes and allow them to lead their life of "quiet desperation" without taking it personally?
Can I love them through it?
I believe so. I believe I can. But that doesn't mean I have to allow him into my life or my emotional and delicate psyche anymore.
I have to honor myself too.