Thursday, April 28, 2011

Being who I REALLY am

I've just returned from lunch with a close friend who is quickly moving up in the world. She handed me a magazine of which she is a contributing author and ambassador. She has, as she puts it, become "big in her britches". She's put herself out there again and again, been shat upon and bounced back. Now, she isn't so frightened anymore. She isn't so concerned with what others think.

She's told me her next move is to approach a prominent spiritual author in hopes of putting together a program with him. After all, what's the worst that can happen... he could say "no" or not respond at all?

The point is, she has the balls to try.

***

Gentleman Jack called me shortly thereafter to inform me that an assistant at his office has turned in her resignation. She has never been any sort of "assistant" to him... unless you say she's assisted in giving him angst. She's always been negative and even spiteful towards him.

"I'm just being me," he told me. "I know there are plenty of people who work very well with me. I'm excited to bring someone else in so that we can both be successful. Some people just don't like me, for whatever reason. I'm fine with that."

Her departure has reinvigorated his motivation to grow his business. I'm proud of him for standing his ground.

***

I've recently found out that I am the only biological daughter of my father. But I wouldn't have known that as a child. My father raised my siblings and I the same... with love. With acceptance.

I've been witness to amazing strength in those I know and my father was no exception. He was the same way as my friend and my Gentleman. He was who he was. With NO apologies. Take it or leave it.

I've been in sort of an identity crisis. It isn't that I don't know what I want to do. I do. But I keep making excuses. I keep reverting back to my people-pleasing, bend-over-backwards, don't rattle the cage, codependent personality. I'm terrified of being completely who I am. Or, more aptly, I'm terrified of not being accepted for being completely who I am.

***

One of the excuses/blocks I frequently come up against is that the name I carry isn't my own. I still have my ex-husband's name. My children's name.

I want to BE WHO I AM... like my friend, like my Gentleman, like my father. But I feel somewhat held back by the name I carry. With it, I feel boxed in, as if I'm carrying a huge responsibility.

I dropped my father's name in anger when he left my mother. Now I realize that he remained loving and consistent all during my silence and frustration. He deserves better. Unfortunately, posthumously but better late than never.

I'm considering dropping this name I've had for nearly 20 years and changing my name back to my family name... the name of my father and his father. That family name fits me and who I'm becoming much better than the name I carry now.

However, I'm concerned about how it will affect my children. I'm concerned about how it will affect my employment records and medical records and all kinds of records.

I don't want to feel tied down anymore. I want to be me. The Real Me.

Baby steps...


What about you? Did you keep your married name after divorce? Are you living completely authentically as you or do you also find yourself compartmentalizing depending on who you're around?

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