Sunday, April 24, 2011

Mission Accepted: Be a better Me

Between being home due to illness most of last week, and then being child-free/Gentleman Jack-free this weekend, I've felt quite introspective and isolated the past few days.

In the past month, 3 of my single parent bloggy friends have announced breakups with their significant others: Spencer, Nicki and Danielle. I'm not going to lie... that messed with my head a bit. (Okay, for those that know me in real life - you know I'd say, "That shit fucked me up!")

After all, I've been hormonal. And Gentleman Jack's been depressed. When we're together, ahhhh... it's really nice. We have fun. However, we're both so sensitive and touchy right now. To ourselves and to each other. So of course, we're both reading in to each others' moods too. Being long distance both helps and doesn't at the same time.

He's going to handle his touchiness his way. It may not always be the way I handle mine but hey, we're different. And he's a man. I'm most definitely female. We're both trying to allow each other our moodiness right now without taking it personally. Ya know that whole Be Compassionately Indifferent thing I wrote about a while back?

Thankfully, he has past knowledge to realize that I'll get over it when my hormones balance out again. And I have past knowledge that fucks with my head even more.... but I'm doing my best to not allow my past relationships to dictate my present and future relationships. I'm working on it. Did I mention that I'm female?

Okay, what I mean to say is that I know that a long term relationship has its cycles. I was married for well over a decade to a man who taught me that every time we hit a low. He was right in his assessment of the temporary nature of the disconnect but even still, every time we were there, I panicked. It seemed like I had to go through mini-breakups in my mind just to get back on track again. I'd pull away, mourn and then we'd grow closer again.

Geez, I don't want to be that way. I'm tired of fear and panic. Somewhere, I've lost touch and am feeling disconnected again. Not with my Gentleman. I mean, yes, I worry about losing our connection... especially when I see others losing their connections. Relationships are such fragile things, aren't they?

The only thing I can control is how I handle me. I'm disconnected with ME.

***

I spent Friday evening at the bookstore, snuggled up in a chair, reading an entire book. I thought of my friends who are mourning relationships. And I thought of my own fears and panic.

This book clarified some things for me. It's leading me down a path that I've tiptoed across many times in my life. I think, if I can stick to the path, it will help me in so many ways.

The book is called: Women Who Love Too Much.

I am codependent.

I am addicted to love, pleasing others, feeling needed. I've known this about myself for some time but always skirted around it. My spiritual journey has helped me in many ways but I lapse on it just as I do my exercise regimen. I know I'm not as bad as I once was, I've learned far too much. I would, however, like to continue to help myself, to allow my feelings, to feel even more accepting of who I really am.

Thankfully, and even more ironically, my Gentleman has been the biggest supporter of this mission to be ME.


I will be exploring this more in the coming weeks and possibly months. I will be reading and seeking help. I will be doing my best to recognize the traits, fears and insecurities of being codependent with the hopes of building a healthy, positive relationship... with others, yes.... but more than that, with myself.

I hope you'll follow along and support me as I continue to grow in this classroom.

Thank you ALL for being my teachers.

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