Friday, September 16, 2011

I am "not a nice person."

Well, after the family drama earlier this week, I heard from my mother that my sister believes I am "not a nice person."

Shortly after that, I talked with a longtime friend (whom, at one point, I was no longer speaking to). She too said that she felt I was "mean" in my last words to her before our few months of non-communicating. If you'll recall, I actually broke up with my blog because of problematic issues with friends and family.

When I told them all how I really felt, no one was quite sure how to take it.

Initially, my feelings were hurt to believe that someone could deem me as mean or not nice. I've spent my entire life making sure I was the nicest person to everyone... always pleasing... always giving... always loving so people would love me too.

In recent months, I realized much of that was due to codependence. I found myself always the martyr and secretly hiding resentment from many in my life. I loathed the quiet hate I felt towards those I felt were "doing this to me"... and I finally realized I was doing it to myself. I challenged myself to BE WHO I REALLY AM and even made it my mission to be a better ME in April of this year.

I knew from past experience that if you change the contract of your relationship with someone, there was bound to be a fallout. Over the past few months, I've used tough love when I felt others were projecting their pain on me and expecting me to help heal them. I learned to love from a distance to shield myself from drama and irritation that had nothing to do with me.

I said how I really felt... whether it was ugly or not.

I did my best to come from a loving place but, with many things coming to a head at once, sometimes the most loving thing I could do was to vent and then pull away.

All in the name of LOVING and HONORING myself.

Yes, my feelings were hurt, at first, to think that someone doesn't see me as a nice person but if not being nice means letting someone know that I will no longer be disrespected, then so be it.

If I'm not nice because I told someone their actions affect me and my state of mind, then so be it.

If I'm labeled mean because I am not allowing someone to dictate what I do with my life, whom I spend it with, and setting new boundaries for those things, then so be it.

I absolutely understand it is my choice to allow these things to affect me but I also understand that sometimes, they just do. And it's okay for me to do something about it.

I may seem not nice but I'm loving me. And loving me means I'm a better me. And a better me can love every one of these people a lot better than I ever did before.

Maybe they'll see that, one day.

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