Thursday, September 29, 2011

Remembering my Value... and not only as a Mother

As I mentioned in my first audio post, I've been really pushing myself career-wise and have felt a bit insecure.

I made a deal with myself earlier this year that I would focus on career goals again. Right now, I have a job... and I'm BLESSED to have a job. Previous to having children, however, I had a career. I knew exactly what I wanted and how to get there. Becoming a mother threw me off track. I love being a mother and I'm happy that I have been able to focus on it for these many years. But I feel it's time I give myself and my daughters the same value.

I matter too.

That's been a difficult thing to remember. I tell myself that I matter when I'm training for a triathlon. When I train, however, I do it when my daughters are in bed asleep. Or when they're with their dad. Or when they're off at school and before I go to work. I work around them. I don't put my children aside to train for triathlons. Because I don't devote exorbitant amounts of time to it, I'm a mediocre triathlete, at best.

I'm okay with that. I do have my moments of insecurity when surrounded by uber-athletes but I feel that I'm doing the right thing by my kids. And myself.

Career though? This has been my struggle. I still want to maintain balance between my time with my children and my work life. Right now, I have that. The problem is that I don't feel challenged and excited about my work. I do it and then I leave it at work. I like it that way but it doesn't inspire me. And I'm tired of wishing I made more money.

Do you see my predicament?

I've found myself, over the past few years, envious of entrepreneurs that I know or career driven moms who are building a name for themselves AND raising great kids. What I tend to forget or overlook is that they have a husband or partner at home to share responsibility.

When I realize this, I begin to resent my relationship. We're not planning on marriage and I'm happy with that agreement. Then again... wouldn't it be nice to have some help so I don't feel guilty reminding myself that I matter? But I also really enjoy my independence, love the arrangement, have great support and LOVE the beauty of Gentleman Jack in my life. I don't want to marry someone just so I can use them as a babysitter. Of all the many reasons I've considered for marriage, babysitting isn't one of them.

Can you see how I've been running in circles?

Now that I've been attempting to hone in on a career goal, I've felt unsure and fickle. I'm around people who know exactly what they want to do and are doing it... some of them since college! It feels like not only a career-crisis to me but an identity crisis as well.

Who do I want to be?


I've decided to stick with my belief that "I don't know" are the most powerful words I could mutter.

I have been meeting face to face with those in my existing network. I've met many inspirational people. Each person has contributed to the chiseling down of this giant marble that is to be my future career. I'm getting closer and closer.

My Gentleman reminds me consistently to simply be MYSELF. He reminds me that I DO matter. He reminds me that I wake up filled with awesome and that I need to own it... instead of comparing, pretending to look like or be like someone else.

The Universe reminds me, instead of being insecure or concerned if I'm good enough, that I need remember,
"To be beautiful in the eyes of another, simply forget they're watching."

When I compete in triathlons, I dive into it with a smile on my face, competing only against myself. When I mother my children, I feel confidence because I'm filled with love in my heart and my kids are happy, healthy and content.

I just need to remember, when I define my career goals, I will do it while remembering that I DO MATTER. And when I honor myself, I honor my children and those that matter to me.

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