Distance = Doubt
A few nights ago, a fellow single mom (that I've met once) invited me over for a cookout. I felt a little uncomfortable because I didn't know anyone at her house except her child, who is a good friend of my daughter. Soon, however, I began chatting with another couple and making myself at home. A little while later, the single mom cornered me in her kitchen.
"The reason I invited you over is because my boyfriend wants to set you up with a friend of his. This guy would be PERFECT for you!!"
I was surprised as she announced this shortly after I'd said something about Gentleman Jack and his sons. Besides the fact that she doesn't even know me. As I began to repeat myself, someone else grabbed her attention.
Later, I was talking to another couple about Jack, and the single mom heard me.
"You have a BOYFRIEND?!" She was surprised. Then she asked me to invite him over so we could all hang out. When I explained that he lived out of town, she then surmised, "Oh, well hell, he's not serious. You REALLY need to meet this other guy! Keep your options open!"
I hate that people assume that being long distance and not having a plan for marriage means that we're not serious about each other. And after 5 weeks apart, I too begin to feel like he's a figment of my imagination.
Then, before the evening was over, she was trying to kiss me and grope my boobs as her boyfriend cheered her on.
Only in MY life, y'all...
Surrender vs. Giving up
There have been too many things that I've allowed to take the wind out of my sails lately.
It doesn't make sense to me. It MUST be fear. I'm not handling it like I have in the past. I've disconnected from a source of strength beyond my physical self. I get tired. I want to give up.
I had a mini-revelation when I saw the following quote from Byron Katie:
"Undo your fear today. No one else can."
I'm realizing that all of the fears that come up with the ex's engagement, being away from my man for 5 weeks, trying to build a new career, someone doubting my drive and then all sorts of things that just don't make any sense at all (see above story)... just leave me exhausted. I've not been sleeping well. I don't feel like I can trust anyone. I feel like I'm running around but going nowhere.
To me, giving up means falling victim to fear. Surrender means allowing what IS and having faith that all is happening exactly as it should.
I have to reconnect. I have to surrender.
Fear, Faith, Focus
Being away from my Gentleman challenges my faith in all ways. I long for the safety of his arms, especially after an encounter like the one above. I cry myself to sleep at night because I miss his skin next to mine. The thought of being wrapped up in him and how we both sigh from absolute bliss... feels like a physical ache in my body.
But it also reminds me that I must remember that my safety isn't outside of me. The security I seek shouldn't be dependent on his arms or that things in my life go exactly the way I'd like or that people agree with who I am and what I do.
If I live in fear, I will see fearful things. I will notice doubt. I will see nothing but witness that I have every reason to fear. I will fall victim to those who challenge the way I choose to live my life.
If I live in faith, I can take every single thing that looks like fear and turn it around to see love. I can trust in a guiding force to lead me where I am to go, who I am to meet, and what happens next. It may not look like I believe it should look but in faith, I know its perfection.
In fear, I feel defeated.
In faith, I feel inspired.
I've lost focus and that's why things are getting to me. It is time to put things back in perspective.
How do you handle doubt or naysayers in your life?