Thursday, June 30, 2011

Burdens, Wounds, and Mommy/Daddy issues

One thing that is common with the crazy people in my life is that they have parent/child issues.

Ok, we're all crazy and we all have issues from our childhood, right?

Seriously, those I mentioned in my last two posts and those I didn't even write about have each shared wounds that they still carry. I listen. I understand. I can relate. I have wounds too! What I've found, in many of these cases, is that they've replaced their parent with ME.

  • I'm the one they wish to fix the way their mother abandoned them.
  • I'm the one they seek approval from.
  • I'm the one they wish to answer the question of "are they man enough?"

I've been either TOLD those things directly by some... or I've figured it out due to enough discussions and psychological evaluations in my brain. It is both a blessing and a curse to have studied how the mind/ego works. In some cases, I see it SO clearly that I wish I didn't. Sometimes I wish I still had some naiveté about people so I could just take them as they appear to be.

Why can't I believe the lies they say about themselves instead of only seeing their pain?

Then I tell myself, "No... you're not a doctor. There's no way you could have figured them out that quickly." But then I could very nearly tell you exactly how they'd react to a situation or what they'll even say next... and most of the time, I'm absolutely correct. And then I sigh heavily and realize, again, that there's nothing I can do to take away their wounds... or the fact that they're still blaming everyone else in their lives for them.

If you'll recall, I was reading heavily about codependency before I shut down the blog. I'm aware of my OWN issues. I know there is no need for me to heal a wound or fix someone else's problem. Because of that awareness, I've sort of checked out of that activity with friends and family. The problem that remains, however, is they STILL have their problem but they STILL want to give it to me. Now that I'm not taking it, they're looking around wondering what to do with it.

I've literally had to advise, "It's time to OWN YOUR SHIT."

I can't tell if I'm frustrated because they flail and deny and can't see what I see so clearly or if I'm frustrated because, deep down, I still DO want to heal and fix and make better?

I can't tell at all.

I only know I feel a lingering sadness for many people... including myself. I still have my own shit to own but I'm not trying to blame anyone or give it to anyone. And it's a hell of a load to carry.

No, instead I'm taking inventory, shining the light on things... and it appears that I'm pulling away from everyone.

I'm not. I'm just in a heavy place and don't have the strength to carry anyone's burdens but my own.

Wednesday, June 29, 2011

Speaking on his behalf...

He looked at me with sadness in his eyes... almost as if he would cry.

No man wants to admit when a female abuses him but it happens. It is rarely discussed but it DOES happen. Some men will do anything to remain true, loving and good to a woman. Even when that woman is mentally unstable and emotionally insecure.

Is it a pride thing? He doesn't want to feel as if he's failed her if he backs out?

Is it love? He feels as if he can keep trying and one day, she'll be happy. One day, she'll realize how much he actually does care and how much she does mean to him. One day...

But she picks and nags and pecks and gnaws at him... "prove it!" ... "you don't mean it!"... "you don't really want to be with me!"..... Every little thing sets her off. Every little thing is analyzed, over thought, broken down to prove just how unworthy she is of the good that he offers.

He, realizing the futility of trying, once again, to convince her, gives up for the night. He decides to call it, agree with her, and head home... if only just to get a good night's sleep in quiet. She reacts... "SEE!? I knew it! I knew you'd leave me!!!"

His hands are full; suitcases and work clothes. She lunges, attacks, kicks, screams, claws, pushes.... and finally knees him full force in the groin. He develops a major hematoma. He has to go see a doctor due to swelling, bruising and discomfort. He walks with a limp. His ego is broken. His blood vessels are broken. His spirit is broken.

The space he needs, he asks for... if only temporarily. She won't even give him that. She taunts him for his pain. She won't admit to being the abuser. It's easier to make it look like it was his fault.

He deserves better.

.... and that's all I have to say about that.

Tuesday, June 28, 2011

Breakdown and Breakup

I couldn't stand it.

Or as Taylor Swift sings, "It turns out freedom ain't nothing but missing you..."

I missed you. I missed ME. I started another blog that I hope to use to showcase my writing. I've been guest blogging too. How I would love to get paid for writing as much as I do!!! But I am feeling strangled over there. I love it and I hope to do something with it but I'm raw, y'all. More raw than I'm willing to expose over there.... yet....

Who knows... maybe one day I'll shut this one down and move permanently.

I'm sorry I broke up with you so quickly. I'm sorry I felt the need to go elsewhere. I was starting to feel strangled here too. I had sort of a breakdown and that's what caused it. I didn't.... trust you anymore. I wasn't feeling supported. I felt resentful of what I was giving especially when it came back to haunt me. Even now, I'm treading trepidatiously. I'd like to feel comfortable here again.

If you'll recall where I was before the sudden break, I felt challenged. People in my life were leaving me with a feeling of mistrust. What prompted that post was one particular friend who is currently cheating on her husband... and in drunken silliness, was practically throwing herself on Gentleman Jack. He, knowing she's especially flirtatious, didn't take it seriously but I certainly did. I was angry at her AND him.

Shortly after that, another friend went bonkers because I spent time with a mutual friend that she is on the outs with. It feels like she is practically stalking me, including reading my blog, and using everything I write to prove something. She doesn't want me to spend time with this other friend. I'm tired of being told what to do or being questioned when I'm somewhere other than with her. I was so angry at her reading into my words in MY private space that I shut down my blog and shut down my Facebook page for about a week as well.

I won't EVEN go into how my brother is involved in that whole mess either. 

My sister also jumped right into me because I won't allow my children to go to her house because she refuses to allow me to get to know her new soon-to-be husband. Every time I mention that I don't know him and we should get together, she gets angry at me and goes into hiding. The last I heard from her, I was especially stressed because another very close and long time friend was recently diagnosed with breast cancer. I was also dealing with the mess mentioned in the above paragraph. Because I didn't respond to my sister's text quick enough, and apologized that I was stressed and had put my phone aside for the day, she sent another text saying, "Don't worry. You won't ever hear from me again."

*sigh*

I've felt such a low level of frustration and irritation since then that it finally occurred to me the best way to describe it last night, as I cried in my bed:

"I don't feel like my life is my own."

Instead of focusing on time with friends or family, I've sucked into time with my daughters and a few acquaintances. I feel the need to keep people at arm's length right now. Even when I have time to myself, if I'm not actively training for my upcoming triathlon, I'm vegging out completely with the phone and computer shut off.

My homeopath asked me to begin tracking my dreams and every dream I've had in the past few weeks leaves me with a feeling of being unsupported, alone, and very distrusting. I've been painfully honest to everyone around me, almost in anger, just to relieve the pressure. What's brought some peace is sitting with my friend who's battling cancer and listening to her talk... crying with her. It feels real to me. More real than all of the BS I've heard from people lately.

I don't mean to be impatient. I don't mean to be less compassionate with people. I'm just OVER so much of what I've witnessed the past few years. I feel like expectations are placed on me to deliver so much, to be a savior, to offer complete unbiased non-judgment and understanding.

I'm drained. I feel like the goodness has been sucked right out of me. I have a calm awareness that this is temporary... but in the meanwhile, this is me.

Will you take me back as I am?

I can't guarantee that I'll be the person you love, right away. I'm going through something and I must let it out. This was always my soft place to land. This was always my sounding board. This was MINE. I don't want it to be taken away. I don't want to back away in frustration. This is worth fighting for.