Ok, we're all crazy and we all have issues from our childhood, right?
Seriously, those I mentioned in my last two posts and those I didn't even write about have each shared wounds that they still carry. I listen. I understand. I can relate. I have wounds too! What I've found, in many of these cases, is that they've replaced their parent with ME.
- I'm the one they wish to fix the way their mother abandoned them.
- I'm the one they seek approval from.
- I'm the one they wish to answer the question of "are they man enough?"
I've been either TOLD those things directly by some... or I've figured it out due to enough discussions and psychological evaluations in my brain. It is both a blessing and a curse to have studied how the mind/ego works. In some cases, I see it SO clearly that I wish I didn't. Sometimes I wish I still had some naiveté about people so I could just take them as they appear to be.
Why can't I believe the lies they say about themselves instead of only seeing their pain?
Then I tell myself, "No... you're not a doctor. There's no way you could have figured them out that quickly." But then I could very nearly tell you exactly how they'd react to a situation or what they'll even say next... and most of the time, I'm absolutely correct. And then I sigh heavily and realize, again, that there's nothing I can do to take away their wounds... or the fact that they're still blaming everyone else in their lives for them.
If you'll recall, I was reading heavily about codependency before I shut down the blog. I'm aware of my OWN issues. I know there is no need for me to heal a wound or fix someone else's problem. Because of that awareness, I've sort of checked out of that activity with friends and family. The problem that remains, however, is they STILL have their problem but they STILL want to give it to me. Now that I'm not taking it, they're looking around wondering what to do with it.
I've literally had to advise, "It's time to OWN YOUR SHIT."
I can't tell if I'm frustrated because they flail and deny and can't see what I see so clearly or if I'm frustrated because, deep down, I still DO want to heal and fix and make better?
I can't tell at all.
I only know I feel a lingering sadness for many people... including myself. I still have my own shit to own but I'm not trying to blame anyone or give it to anyone. And it's a hell of a load to carry.
No, instead I'm taking inventory, shining the light on things... and it appears that I'm pulling away from everyone.
I'm not. I'm just in a heavy place and don't have the strength to carry anyone's burdens but my own.