Friday, July 29, 2011

Single Mom Confession

When they placed my newborn daughter, either one of them, in my arms, I remember feeling overly protective of what was to come in their lives. I remember being worried about disease or predators or broken bones... and even broken hearts. I never, in those moments, imagined a broken home.

Separation and divorce isn't an easy path to traverse. I, fortunately, have a good co-parenting relationship with my ex-spouse. He pays child support, sees the girls when he's supposed to and sometimes even more often than that. He helps me when I need it and is a good, loving father. I know that others have much worse situations than I.

Beyond all of that, being a single mom means that I experience things that married moms don't.

Married moms don't have a thought of another mom stepping in to her child's life. Unless another trusted mom is invited, a friend, an aunt, a grandmother to help, married moms are the only mom her child will know.... until the child marries and is fortunate enough (like I was) to have an excellent mother-in-law.

Yes, my co-parenting relationship with my ex-husband is good. But holding my newborn daughter in my arms, I never considered that I'd some day be co-parenting with another mom.

I never thought that another woman, a relative stranger, would take my daughters for pedicures.

I never considered that another woman would offer to whisk my girls off to a vacation with her in another state.

The idea never entered my brain that "girls' day" with my kids would mean them... and another kid's mom too.

I know this is part of the process. I know this is an expected side effect of divorce. I'm happy that, from what I hear, she seems like a caring adult in the lives of my precious beloveds.

But I don't know her. I don't want her to take over in a role that I've fulfilled since the day I confirmed that I indeed was growing new life inside me. I don't want them to (and it sounds so childish to say) like her more than me.

I just never knew I'd ever feel this way when I looked into the eyes of my baby girls. No one ever warned me that my heart would be broken.

Wednesday, July 20, 2011

Oh those Sons in Law

My youngest daughter is already married to her second husband, Anthony. She has a son, who's a toddler, from her first marriage. Both her first and second husbands are artists... which, to me, explains the divorce.

"Nah," she tells me, "I just got tired of him. All he did was sleep all the time so I divorced him and got a better husband." Then she matter-of-factly added, "At night, he sleeps in my son's room and my son sleeps in the room with me."

My oldest daughter is still married to her first husband. However, her husband was actually STILL married when they began dating. His ex-wife hates her as does most of the community in which she lives. They have one child together. He doesn't do much around the house but he keeps the refrigerator and pantry stocked with food.

I asked her if it bothers her, the way it bothered her sister, that her husband, a chef, also sleeps all the time.

"No, Mom, it's perfect. See, if he's sleeping all the time, then we have no time or reason to argue."

The above conversation took place last night on the drive to a friend's house. My children were telling me all about their My Sims game they'd been playing earlier that day.

In between laughing, growing more grey hairs and trying not to wreck the car, I wondered how much of my life influenced their choices, if any.

I also wondered what in the world their real futures would hold. And whether or not I'd be able to survive it!

Tuesday, July 19, 2011

The best way to love

"Some are better loved from a distance.

For a while, anyway.

And that's OK."

~ (Notes from) The Universe

"Besides, T, love doesn't really know the difference."

I loved this reminder in my inbox this morning.

There are a few in my life that I'm loving from a distance and I'm doing my damnedest not to feel guilty about it. I've written before that I don't always know what love is supposed to look like.

I thought it meant I had to be passive. Then I found that wasn't true at all. Passivity meant that I opened myself up to more hurt, resentment and anger.

I thought it meant I had to give all of me. Then I found that wasn't true either. Because a drained "me" isn't a good "me" for anyone.

I thought it meant I had to be there for others, accept their mistaken perceptions and bad judgments, offer advice and help them through it. Then I found that did nothing but cause expectation, disappointment and resentment quickly followed.

I thought it meant I had to be in the thick of it with others... their drama, their problems, their fears... but slowly, that started to wear on me until I had nothing left except to avoid, hide, and lie. Passive-aggressive behavior isn't love either.

Sometimes, I need to remember that the most loving thing I can do, that I can offer anyone at all at any given time, is to be honest with myself and honor me.

Because then, everyone gets the best "me" I can give.

Monday, July 18, 2011

Run the Mile You're In

It's Monday and I'm tired.

The triathlon was awesome. You know that phrase, "Attitude is everything"?

Truly... that's the truth.

I've been doing endurance racing or athletic events for a few years now. I know that it takes a lot of patience and mental fortitude. I learned much about how to control the mental aspect of those things from yoga and meditation. Sadly, I've not been practicing yoga as I was in the past. Keeping a good attitude can get tough when situations are less than ideal.

Triathlon start

So when I started to panic during the choppy lake swim because every time I came up for air, I was splashed in the face with a wave of water... I had to control my mind.

When I came upon a giant hill during the bike portion and others were walking their bikes up the hill... this after I'd been passed by other super-athletic triathletes and started telling myself I'd never be as good as them... I had to see things differently.

When my legs were so weak during my run, so weak in fact, that I fell with 2 miles left to go, I had to decide how I was going to handle the situation.

Run the mile you're in.

The mantra that my bloggy friends and I have come to rely on - for athletic challenges AND life - pulled me through.

I had to stay present and somehow find my smile.

I had to cheer myself, despite the challenges.

I had to remain calm and aware... all the while acknowledging that the discomfort was only temporary.

I had to push all negative thoughts and all future wishful thinking out of my mind.

I had to bloom where I was planted.

After the race, my body was exhausted but invigorated. I'd accomplished something that, though I'd trained for it and had actually done before, was still out of the norm for my muscles. As I sat in the shade and listened as other athletes crossed the finish line, I felt a sort of Zen feeling take over.


I rested all day yesterday and did some yoga to cool down my body. I had a good night's sleep and woke up feeling strong. I don't feel sore but just... tired.

And happy.

Very very happy.

And finish!

Thank you all for your good wishes and support. I don't know what I'd do without you.

Saturday, July 16, 2011

1000th blog post... on Drinking, Childbirth Amnesia and Why I Tri

It's Saturday evening and I've done nothing much but lie around all day.

I spent some time last night with a girlfriend I hadn't seen in months. What started with "let's have a glass of wine" turned into me, hours later, intoxicated. It was a dumb thing to do when I have a triathlon tomorrow morning and I've been trying to stay hydrated in this heat. But ya know what? I had fun. I laughed. I enjoyed a grown up night out. So, I'm not gonna sweat it.

I rested today. I hydrated and re-hydrated. I had good carbs and protein. I'm going to take a detoxifying hot bath, do some relaxing yoga and go to bed early.

I'm not sure why I don't have the pre-race jitters like I usually do. I feel like tomorrow's race is more of a dress rehearsal for the one I've been training for all year. I hope those thoughts continue into tomorrow.

I'm ok. I got this. And if I don't, at least I tried.

Heh. Tried. (get it?)


I came upon this article a few days ago and had to laugh. She writes how Ironman triathlons are similar to childbirth. I giggled because after my first triathlon, I said the same thing to my mom. I knew I'd also get that "amnesia" about how much I hated it during the event and I'd do another one.

• Both events are preceded by multiple trips to the bathroom. (some are false alarms caused by nerves)

• Initial excitement slowly fades to self-doubt and towards the end you find yourself thinking, or saying or SCREAMING, “I will NEVER do this again!”

• They both can last anywhere from 8-24 hours. (Ironmen are lucky here because the have a “cutoff” at 17 hours)

• Both require extreme physical and mental determination to finish.

• In both cases “transition” needs to be as short as possible.

• All pain is momentarily eclipsed by sheer ecstasy upon completion.

• Shortly after the event your body starts reminding you of what you have just been through.

• When you finish you feel like you can do anything! (and you can!)

• You can be proud FOR LIFE of the monumental achievement you’ve accomplished.

• You walk funny for at least a week.

• At some point you suffer from amnesia and “sign up” for the next one!

~ borrowed from TriCrowd

I'm not doing a complete 140.6 mile Ironman triathlon. Eesh, do I look crazy to you?! It's a whole other full time job to train for one of those! I am, however, doing a nearly 22 mile sprint tri. Which to me.... still feels similar to childbirth.

So why, you may ask, would I put myself through such a thing?

I guess... because I can.

Wish me luck!

Thursday, July 14, 2011

Midsummer Day's Rant

In keeping with my annual summer tradition of bitching about the weather, here is my annual heated (pun intended) vent.

It's effin hot, y'all.


Hey look, cold front next week!

So far, we've hit 100 + degree days for over 10 days in a row. Last week, I took this picture of my temperature gauge in my car.

I'm melting!!

Not only is it too damn hot outside, but everywhere I go I'm encountering struggles to keep cool.

For instance, my office faces the front of the building and one wall is ALL glass. I feel like an ant under a microscope at my desk all day. I have a fan blowing on me but it only keeps me from passing out earlier in the day.

My car a/c is struggling too. Thankfully I have a garage to park it in at home. At work all day it sits baking in the sun. The fan blows on me but only keeps the hot air circulating.

I've been trying to keep up my running in the mornings, since it's the coolest part of the day. Then when I get home, shower and attempt to get ready for work, I'm STILL sweating! I have a fan blowing on me but....

ARGH! I'm tired of fans blowing on me!!!

Since it appears we're not going to get a break anytime soon, I know it'll be a matter of time before people get out of their cars at red lights and start picking fights with those in the cars around them. This repressiveness pisses people off. And to top it off, we're not getting any hope of rain at all. There are wildfires showing up out of nowhere and my house is cracking no matter how many times I water the foundation. The dog doesn't even want to go outside to potty. The lake and any pool feels like bathwater at this point. Everybody's grouchy and tired...

It's a mess. One big hot mess.

So, because it was really starting to get to me yesterday, I chose to turn it around.

  • Even though it's miserable, I decided to register for a triathlon this weekend. It was last minute and because of the heat, the tri starts at 5:30 am! I'm excited about it.

  • I've been concerned about the slow recovery of my body from the triathlon training. I know it's because I haven't been practicing yoga like I used to. Instead of beating myself up and getting negative about it, Gentleman Jack suggested I accept my body where it is now. Wouldn't you know it, that little mental turn around and today my body feels so much stronger. 

  • Jobo, Momma Sunshine and I have adopted the mantra, "Run the mile you're in". We talked about making a t-shirt out of it... which lead me to find some fun triathlon gifts on CafePress.... which in turn inspired and excited me about my race this weekend.

  •  My kids are having awesome summer fun with me, their friends and their dad. We have a great vacation planned to Colorado... where I'll get to meet some bloggy friends!

  • This weekend, I'm going to chill out (relatively speaking) at home, carb up, hydrate and hopefully KILL IT during that triathlon. My girls will be with their dad so the only thing I'll have to do is get ready.

Please tell me it's somewhat cooler in other parts of the country. And if it's not, how are YOU turning it around?

Wednesday, July 13, 2011

Young Narcissist?

I know a single mother of a 6 year old son. He's all boy, very macho, great at sports and has the attention span of a puppy. As a matter of fact, he probably has more energy than most puppies I've seen!

The mom was very popular in school. She was involved in sports, had lots of friends and many boyfriends. He is her only child and she spoils him rotten.

Under a recent Facebook photo of him dressed to the nines, she captioned the photo:

Look at my handsome boy! And he has 4 girlfriends now too! Momma is so proud!

I'll give her this - he is a handsome boy. In fact, he's a little stud. I can already see the football trophies and a future of dating every girl on the cheerleading squad. And I can see her, smiling proudly and bragging to everyone...

The problem I have is that he's 6 years old. He's already getting wrapped up in getting girl's phone numbers and getting really angry when a girl "breaks his heart." Yet, there she is, egging him on to get another girlfriend or telling him to have more than one girlfriend so that he always has one to spare.

I'm like.... HE'S SIX!!! Doesn't it seem a bit young to be talking him into relationships?

Listen, I'm all about the playful idea of a crush, chasing each other on the playground, etc. I understand the need to make sure he doesn't get "serious" (which sounds ridiculous at his age) about one girl. But should she really be promoting it? Should she really be teaching him that his needs are more important than these "trophy" girls hanging on his arm?

I'm at a loss for words when it comes to this. It just seems wrong to me. And I'm afraid his future will be one of multiple broken hearts.

Is he a narcissist in the making?

Tuesday, July 12, 2011

Explaining the Bloggy Connection

Driving out of my neighborhood this morning, I noticed a tall coagulation of various antennae in my neighbor's yard. Immediately, I took this to assume that he is a ham radio operator. I've known a few operators in my geeky career. I smiled to imagine this man donned in headphones, in the late of the evening, carrying on various conversations with people he'd never met...

Then it occurred to me that as a blogger, I'm doing basically the same thing.

Just as it was difficult for me to understand the fascination with amateur radio communications, I also find that some in my life can't fully grasp why I love blogging so much.

Take, for instance, the heart wrenching post from yesterday. (Thank you all so much for your supportive comments!!) I've never met Coachdad and may not ever have the opportunity to meet him. But I've read his words for a few years now. I've sent him many good wishes along his journey the past few years. He's read and shared with me here also. He felt comfortable enough with me to share such a poignant place from his past and his current life... and we really don't even know each other.

Then again, maybe that's the gist of it. Maybe we DO feel more comfortable sharing because we feel a sense of safety behind the keyboard. Is it a false sense of security?

A few in my life, Gentleman Jack included, show concern that someone will get an idea that they "know" me and will attempt to "get closer" to me. The thing is, I run that risk every time I give my details to the guy who changes the oil in my car, don't I? THAT guy has my address, phone number, license plate, full name, knows what I look like and more than likely, what my children look like too. Shouldn't I be more afraid of him?

The same could be said for support groups. I think support groups are just as comfortable because we're not actively involved with those people in their every day lives. We only hear what they are willing to share. Just as with blogging.

We're all sort of like pen pals, aren't we? We found something in common that lead us to each other. We talk about our lives but the feedback is definitely quicker than the days of pen, paper and a walk to the mailbox, isn't it?

This blog is where I process thoughts, emotions, feelings, or occasionally a good or bad day. It starts a conversation and I learn more about you, the reader, when you comment. Suddenly, we have a community of like-minded individuals who feel like, if they have a confession or deep secret, they can take part in a community of people that may or may not judge them. If they are judged, they never have to see these people. They can simply... stop writing.

I remember the first time I went to visit a fellow blogger. It's funny now but then, both of our families were concerned for us. Hers because I would be staying in her house with her child. Mine... because I would be depending on a "stranger" for a transportation and a place to stay. Haven't you noticed though, my fellow bloggers, that you just know who you'll click with and who you won't? We enjoyed meeting and spending time together so much that I also visited again when she got married.

It's difficult to explain the trust the bloggers feel for each other. The depth of friendship is different than those who know us in real life. We share here what we don't share outside of here, in some cases. Then again, I may not know how you decorate your house or what your voice sounds like... but does that mean I don't really know you?

And though you know many of my thoughts... have you ever considered that you don't really know me at all?

I could just be sitting at my computer in the late of the evening carrying on various conversations with people I've never met....

Sunday, July 10, 2011

Guest Post: Ashamed No More

I am a 40-year-old man who has a held a secret for way too long. It is a secret that I have been able to push deep away, only to surface when adversity hits me hard.

Adversity like when my first girlfriend ended our relationship after 8 months when I was 18. Or, adversity like when my second wife left me with three young kids to raise in 2004. Both heartbreaking and devastating, however, nothing the normal person hasn’t had to go through at some point in their life.

The latest adversity to hit me was to find out via email three weeks ago that I was not rehired back as a teacher after working at the same school for 17 years. Working at the school was my sanctuary, the one constant in my life that I could always depend on and lean on. Unlike the different women in my life, the school had never failed me or rejected me in any fashion. That all changed with one email.

All three of those times of my life led to him surfacing once again in my life. Each time he has come back to me, I wanted to run away and escape. And, each time led me to attempt to take my own life.

However, now is the time for me to face him head on and finally move past what he did to me so long ago. After being released from the hospital Tuesday night at 3 a.m., I walked the two miles to my home resolved to never let him have the control over me he has had for way too long. I am finally ready to talk about it, ready to stop blaming myself, and ready to finally move on.

T… thank you for letting me share my story with your readers. Thank you for being a true friend even though we have never met in person. And, thank you for letting me begin my healing process on your blog.

Here is the story of 5-year-old who wasn’t big or strong enough to protect himself. And, unfortunately, here is the story of a kindergartner whose mother failed him when he needed her the most.


Without fail, he's there. Waiting, hands clasped together in his lap, and wearing a Cleveland Indians hat with dirty blonde hair hanging in front of his eyes.

The bus driver waiting patiently, finally gets up and walks me off the bus.

The cold Ohio winter air hits my face as I step in snow blackened by car exhaust. As soon as I hit the sidewalk, he acts as if he's like an older brother, summoned to walk me home.

There is no conversation between us, just two people heading to do something that only he wants to be done. The walk is short, yet, I go at a snail pace to put off the inevitable.

As we get closer, I hope and pray that my mom is outside on the porch, waiting for her middle child to get home from school. Like most days, she is not and he continues to guide me toward a small pathway between our houses.

There, hidden from the street, is an igloo that has a small entry into a deep hole that holds both of us comfortably. The igloo was built simply to give him the privacy he needed. Equally important, the igloo also provided him with the carrot to get me to go with him in the first place.

"Hey.... You want to see this cool igloo? Come on and take a look at it. You can play in it any time you want. It's as much yours as it as mine. Ok?"

After the first time going in there, I never wanted to go back. However, it was a place I was in three to five times a week the winter I lived in Ohio.

All visits there started and ended the same way. Him, 14 years my senior, throwing me head first into the igloo, and quickly moving in behind me. Next came him violently pulling my pants down to my knees, while pushing my head into the snow to quiet my cries.

Full of rage over his continued lack of success of being able to penetrate the kindergartner who was under him, he punches me in my side repeatedly. After his anger subsides, he is resigned to pleasure himself in my presence.

A short time later, I feel him landing all over my backside, then flipping me over to slide himself in my mouth. The end is nearing as he aggressively turns me over and pushes me back and forth deep in the snow to wash him off me. Satisfied that he has cleaned me up, he quickly dresses and begins to head out. Reaching the opening, he turns back and says the same words I hear every time he takes me, "You better not tell anyone!"

With him gone, I wipe the combination of snow and tears from my face, pull my pants up, and get up to go home.

At home, mom is in a drunken sleep on the couch and I go straight to my room to find solace of the isolation from the outside world. Then, I go to sleep, hoping never to wake up.


I am finally ready to stop being ashamed about what happened to me, ready to stop blaming myself, and ready to get help.

I woke Wednesday morning four hours after I was released from the hospital. I quickly dressed, drove straight to a local Psychiatrist’s office and filled out paperwork to allow me to start to get help. My first session is still two weeks away, yet, I feel confident that I can make it on my own until then.

I am ready to stop running from him. Ready to finally take away the biggest thing he took away from me: the ability to control my own life for the first time.

He will no doubt come back to me in my mind. I am not naïve enough to think that this process is going to be an easy one. There will be hard days and more tears to come.

But, sooner rather than later, I really believe I will finally be free of him.

- Coachdad

Friday, July 8, 2011

More marriage talk...

As expected, the questions have begun by classmates who know Gentleman Jack and I have been dating for a while. I think I finally stopped them though.... with a little quick wit and some truth.

Unsuspecting classmate asks: "So... when are you and Jack going to tie the knot?"

T answers: "We've already tied and untied other knots. Now, we're happier just tying each other up."

I've been telling them that I'm only using him for the sex. I think they're starting to believe me now.

Thursday, July 7, 2011

Duel for my honor, II

Continued from yesterday's post

While I appreciated the sentiment, I couldn't understand what Jack hadn't forgiven about Soldier. After all, Soldier didn't hurt Jack directly.

Later that night, we spoke about it:

T: Baby, why so upset about the Soldier thing? He may not even be there and if he is, I doubt he'll even speak to me.

GJ: If he knows what's good for him, he won't even try to speak to you.

T: *giggling* You're too cute. What's the deal? He hasn't done anything to you. You HAVE me. He doesn't.

GJ: I "have" you? You're not some trophy to be won, T. It doesn't matter that you're my girl. The fact is, he hurt you. And he'll hurt you again if he has the chance. He wasn't good to you at all.

T: But if he was good to me, I wouldn't be with you. Don't you see?

GJ: This is what I know about you: Every person that's ever fallen for you, never falls away. They continue to want you... long after you've moved on. All it would take is you to be cordial to him and he'd be back in again.

T: Well, I hope for everyone's sake that he's not there. It would be awkward enough for me... without worrying about you getting all upset about it too.

GJ: See? It wouldn't be awkward if you didn't still have feelings for him.

And then I was just sad.

The awkwardness comes from how things ended and that last phone call. The awkwardness comes from finding out he actually was cheating on me. The awkwardness comes from knowing he told mutual friends that I was the crazy one who ended our relationship. The awkwardness comes from all the stuff we shared... and not knowing if he looks back on that time with a gentle, sad smile... or if he truly does believe I was crazy and had "trust issues" because of my failed marriage and has used our relationship as yet another of his "poor me" stories to find sympathy in those that followed me.

Does that mean I still have feelings for him? Or does that mean there are just a lot of unanswered questions? (And I HATE unanswered questions!)

Jack is right on one point. After every other relationship I've had, I typically KNOW where the other person stands. I wouldn't say they still "want" me but we do stay cordial or even as close friends. With Soldier, that didn't happen. I'd say I'd like his friendship back but I refuse to allow a friend to treat me the way he did. So.. if he were to approach me, it would be awkward, yes. Because I wouldn't want to give him anything but a cold shoulder. But I also know me and what I'd end up giving him is a forgiving smile...

Yes, my man knows me very well.

Hearing these words from Jack also made me sad because he's frightened. Somewhere, somehow, he is still afraid that another man can swoop in and tear me away. I wouldn't say that. I don't feel that.

But I guess long distance and living separate lives can lead to doubt. I'm sad because I don't see our situation changing any time soon so that doubt will, more than likely, continue to linger. There is a whole lot less doubt than there used to be so that's something. Maybe this will work its way out as well.

GJ: I'll say this much. I won't start anything but if he so much as gets near you, you can bet I'll be right there standing up for your honor. He doesn't deserve to be in your presence.

My sweet, sweet, love. I do refer to him as my Gentleman for good reason.

Wednesday, July 6, 2011

Duel for my honor

I recently realized that our 25 high school reunion is coming up soon. Many of my classmates are friends or acquaintances now, thanks to our 20th reunion, Facebook and the reunion from last year. I've even dated a few classmates... *ahem*... because of the reunions and Facebook as well.

To refresh your memories, Soldier was a great friend from high school who contacted me after our 20th reunion and shortly thereafter took me on a first date. And then... well, let's just say a bunch of bad stuff happened and it didn't work out. I haven't spoken to him in over 2 years.

Currently, I'm in a wonderful 2 + year relationship with another high school classmate, my sweet Gentleman Jack. He found me on Facebook after several of us connected post-20-year-reunion. We attended the reunion last year together and connected with even more former classmates.

How awesome of a class are we that 20 plus years later we still really like each other?

Thus far, Soldier hasn't actually attended any of our reunions. He only recently joined Facebook and slowly, as I expected, has begun friending several of our classmates/my friends. I've not received a friend request, and honestly, am not expecting one.

A 25 Year Reunion group was started last week and classmates have been added in the days that have followed. We're attempting to bring together all 200 or so classmates for this big gathering. Thus far, we're over halfway there! The Facebook group has been fun because everyone's stopping by to say hello or reconnect. New connections have been made. Old connections have been reacquainted. Everyone is looking forward to the reunion and making great suggestions for the planning process.

As I suspected, Soldier's name is in the group. Of course. He hasn't commented or spoken up to say anything but he is being emailed on the loads of suggestions and comments on the group page. A good portion of our graduating class attended last year's festivities or follow Jack and I on Facebook. They're all quite well aware that we're a couple and have posted various statements as such on our group page. This would lead me to assume that Soldier now knows I am involved with another classmate.

Good. That's very good that he knows that.

Sometime before Jack came to visit this weekend, he sent me a text about our Facebook reunion page:

"Looks like your ex (Soldier) is included on this invite to the reunion."

I giggled at my man because I knew he'd mention it at some point. I could feel his protective arms bow up as soon as I saw Soldier's name on the reunion list. I replied that yes, I saw Soldier's name.... but didn't believe he'd actually show up for the gathering. Why was it a concern for my Gentleman?

"Let's just say you're more forgiving than I am."

To be continued tomorrow...

Tuesday, July 5, 2011

Mixed Feelings

After an amazing few days with my Gentleman, he was walking out the back door right as my daughters were being dropped off by their father at the front door. The girls were able to give him a quick hug before he had to head home 3 hours away in time to pick up his son from daycare.

Meanwhile, I'm struggling with some mixed feelings. I feel like a void was filled and yet another one became empty again.

I'm so happy that my girls are back home. It feels strange without them around. The dog is definitely happier when they're here too.

But saying goodbye after a few days of alone time with my man is tough too. We so enjoy each other. We were able to have a date night including dinner and a movie. We spent good quality time simply BEING together. Sometimes doing nothing at all...

I have to shake off the withdrawals and enjoy this time with my daughters. It's not every day that I take a day off of work. I think we'll head out to grab some tacos and some snow cones. They're so lovable and excited to have a summer day with Mommy!

But damn... it feels like part of my body is missing.

Friday, July 1, 2011

Something that made me smile today...

There are actually quite a few things that made me smile today. There are actually quite a few things that I'm grateful for all the time... I'm just still battling something... some underlying current of change that has to work it's way out.

Getting there.

First of all, it's Friday. Friday of a long 3-day weekend. Hooray! Not only that, but I have half the weekend to myself, as my daughters are with their dad, AND the other half of the weekend, I'll get to be with my man! Alone. With no children! Hooray X infinity!

Interestingly, my body inherently knows when Gentleman Jack and I are nearing 3 weeks apart from each other. I won't go into details but let's just say, everything becomes innuendo. And it also explains why I experimented so much with my sexuality between relationships or in relationships where I wasn't getting any...

An unexpected treat was about an hour ago when I found my organic truffles behind a box in my kitchen cabinet. You know what truffles do to me, don't you? They were all soft and melty because it's been so hot lately. I couldn't help but dip my fingers in and out and lick all the dripping chocolate off my hands. I was moaning and squirming and lapping it up. If I could have rubbed it on myself or someone else and licked it off, I would have. My goodness, I practically orgasmed devouring that delish chocolate sex from my fingers... Mmmm... Hooray...



Where was I?


This weekend will also give me really focused time on my triathlon training. Like tonight, for instance, when I did another open water lake swim in preparation for the half mile lake swim in the tri. I swam the full half mile tonight (another Hooray!) but alas I had to stop a few times to catch my breath and tread water. I was battling currents, boat wakes and my own panic. These are things I don't normally encounter in the pool.

Tomorrow morning, I'll get in a good long bike ride and/or a run. I need to do both, honestly. The triathlon is in a month.

Then an old friend has invited me to a barbecue party tomorrow night. Lots of new people to meet and yummy food to eat! (Hooray!)

A few days with my man will end out my weekend with a bang. *ahem* So to speak... We'll be completely childless for the first time in over a year which means lots of naked house time. We'll either go watch fireworks Monday night or stay home and make our own.

You knew I was gonna say that, right?

All in all, I have lots to smile about and I really am smiling. Seriously. I'm putting all the crap to the side for the weekend and letting my happy show.

How about you?