Sometimes I could kick my own ass.
And I do... but still.
When I'm with Gentleman Jack, so much of the goodness and the reasons we got together in the first place rush back to me. I mean, sure, some people will say that long distance relationships allow "only your best face" to show and in some ways, I see their point. In many other ways, however, I beg to differ.
For instance, when you live with someone, you see the good, the bad, the ugly. The awesome thing about living with someone, however, is that all of that good, bad and ugly can be spread out into a week, a month, a year. When you fight, as an example, you can have your space (sleeping on the couch, going to another area of the house) and then as you get over it, you can have makeup sex (THAT NIGHT if you want to) or snuggle up and fall asleep in each others' arms. You don't have to wait 2 weeks or more to hold each other again and say how completely sorry you are for "wasting" that precious time you had together.
Sure, the distance helps you remember how precious that time is but it still takes work to continue to see the good when someone lives 200 miles away.
Remember when Jack said that he thought I intentionally pushed him to the back of my mind when we're apart? Oh my goodness, he's so right. I've noticed I get downright pissy at our situation at times that I write big rants like this one. I don't want to be ranty. I know my rants were more about the unfairness of our situation than the fact that he didn't feel like putting out that ONE weekend. (See? My ass needs kicking.)
If we lived together, one weekend would be nothing. The way our phone calls went after that weekend, we may very well have had sex that night. Long distance didn't give me that option. It only put more pressure on us where there wouldn't have been otherwise.
I get angry at him because he's going through a difficult time. I bitch and moan that he needs to figure his shit out so he can pay attention to MEEEEEEEEE and we can enjoy more fun together and see what our future holds. He has many habits that are self-sabotaging. Then again, ^ ^ ^ ^ ^, apparently so do I.
The really REALLY cool thing about us? One of the things that makes us the US that we love so much? We both have AWARENESS of our self-sabotaging behaviors. The awareness may not be in that moment (whose is?) but it is there.
I may choose to believe that he doesn't understand how he's hurting himself but then I notice he does. I may choose to believe that he doesn't see me as special anymore, but then I notice he does. I may choose to believe that he doesn't like me... but then he shows up, within moments, and reminds me that he sees me, far into a future more beautiful than he can imagine, and he's eternally grateful for whatever forces or whatever good karma brought me to him.
I still pray for less resistance to this love. I still treasure every moment that my eyes are opened to his wonderfulness. I still long for the day that I can hold on to the faith in him, in me, in US, without even trying. I still give thanks for this relationship and, yes, even the *grumble grumble* distance, that allows us both to continue to learn from our own mistakes, figure out how to be whole separately while still supporting and growing ever closer in love.
I'm sorry that this blog makes me appear so schizophrenic. I'm still learning that all that I can control is me and how I react to things. Please know that some of what I write is with fear and some is written with love. I guess we're all kinda like that, aren't we?