Sunday, February 5, 2012

My emotional gray area is non-existent...

Over the weekend, I started to feel a little ill. I know some of it is paranoia after being home for 3 days straight with a child suffering from very contagious strep throat. Nevertheless, I felt awful Saturday morning and crawled back under the covers.

As I lay there, I tried to recall exactly when I initially started feeling bad. I couldn't, for the life of me, remember what feeling good felt like. Then I laughed, in spite of myself.

I know me. When I feel an emotion or feeling, I'm ALL IN.

It's like I have no emotional gray area. It's either one way or the other.

When I feel ill, I can't imagine what healthy feels like.

When I feel angry or sad or frustrated, I can't imagine what happy or joyful or at peace feels like.

The same occurs when I feel good, I can't imagine what "bad" feels like.

I get stuck on one side of the wheel and can't get to the other side.

Last week's post where I apologized for coming off as schizophrenic? I think this is exactly why. When I feel really happy and grateful for being with Gentleman Jack, I can't recall what ever made me doubt our relationship. Yet, when I'm feeling doubtful, it's like I've completely forgotten all that makes me happy and grateful about us.

I remember when my ex-husband and I would get into arguments. I would get so upset that I had to leave. He hated that I would leave but I couldn't stand sitting with the discomfort of "not being liked" in that moment. It seemed like that discomfort would go on forever. It completely encompassed me!

What would help me was to remove myself from the situation and find a good feeling to replace the bad feeling. In most cases, I would go see a movie. I love movies because I feel like I can jump into someone else's skin and forget about me for a few hours. So, I'd escape to another life and then come home fine. My husband would be seething but I would be able to handle things better. The movie would help change my perspective. Then, because I changed, stopped trying to force him to see things my way, or forgot why I was upset to begin with, the argument would fade into nothing.

Not exactly healthy, huh? I'm certain this and other things contributed to the many unresolved issues... but that's why we're divorced now.

Gentleman Jack challenges me to stay put, sit with the feeling and try to change my perspective from the inside out. He expects me to listen, just as I expect the same from him. We both wish to be heard but when we're wishing for that, neither of us is listening. It actually takes one of us to recognize our own bullheadedness before things begin to slowly settle down again. One of us softens, anger dissipates and love takes over.

*happy sigh*

 I love it when that happens.....


Where was I?

Oh so anyway, it's good that he challenges me to work it out right then and there instead of running away from it. I don't like being uncomfortable but I'd rather face it and feel like we're resolving things than to run away like his feelings don't matter. Sitting with it also reminds me that the bad feeling is temporary... and that's a good thing to remember.

The funny thing is: Why do I have to be reminded that a bad feeling won't last forever... and yet when I feel good, I'm wondering how long the good feeling will last?

Is it just me?

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