Let me apologize for my long-winded diatribes these past few weeks. There are times when I'm open and learning so much that I have to share. Other times, I'm still open but more present and aware of the life right in front of me. I appreciate all of you for sticking with me.
I was feeling really down yesterday and went into yet another long winded rant but in another place than here on the blog. I kept hearing messages about not giving up and learning to accept and all the stuff I'm usually telling other people. I appreciate those messages. I'm most appreciative of the people who gave that to me.
You see, when it appears that things are not as I'd wish them to be, my mind goes into overdrive to force things to be different. I'm just built that way. An indignant problem-solver. Some of my best work has come from being hardheaded. I also have this other side of me that recognizes that I can't change things immediately and therefore I must give up.
That was when my ex-husband used to say, "I didn't marry a quitter."
But I did quit. Or at least I used to. See, I get tired of fighting and wishing and hoping...especially when it appears that nothing is changing at all. That's where I was yesterday. I was ready to quit. I knew I wouldn't because I'm at least aware that I'm not thinking clear enough to make decisions. Still, it was quite a battle.
After all the positive messages and even after cracking open my A Course in Miracles book, I decided to go even further and do some inquiry care of Byron Katie's The Work. I was VERY aware of what was upsetting me. I was also VERY aware that I was choosing to continue to be angry about it. I just had to keep looking into whether I really believed there was an issue or not... or if I was leaning on it so heavily out of pure fear.
I guess I don't have to tell you the answer.
We all know from the spiritual work I've already done that if my peace is disturbed, fear (ego) is winning.
Thus I needed distraction from the over-thinking and head-spinning that was going on. Thankfully, the work gang opted for an early mid-week happy hour due to the beautiful weather. My sister invited me and the kids out to dinner. (On that topic, let me just say that it's been really nice spending time with her again.) A girlfriend came over to chat/vent/listen. Today a friend sent a text inviting me to lunch.
I'm aware of the love right in front of me. I also know that I still believe there is a remaining issue that needs to be resolved. I know I need to practice some acceptance in order to feel a pressure release from it. I also know that sometimes things are too good to give up on, even when they may not appear ideal right now.
A resolution may not come now or when I feel like it should. It may never be resolved. Things may not even be the same a year from now or even longer. Can I step outside of that indignant hardheaded problem-solver side of me and remember the side of me that smiles, loves, allows and accepts? Can I recognize the difference between giving up and surrendering to what is? This isn't the first time I've realized this concept.
Still lots of work to be done.
Not if I can accept that this is where I am right now, hardheaded and all, and that's okay. After all, the "issue" that needs to be resolved has been nothing more than a mirror reminding me that I am the same.
And isn't that resolution right there?