In the general scheme of things, I actually am happy.
Comparatively speaking, however, I have more anger and rage right now at this time in my life than ever before.
I have to process this in my way. It may or may not win me any new friends or enlighten any readers but writing clears the slate. So here goes...
When I was separated and divorcing my husband, I felt a LOT of emotion. I was angry, resentful and even bitter at the circumstances. The big difference, from then to now, was that my only goal during my divorce was forgiveness.
That's when I began studying A Course in Miracles.
I didn't want to cause harm... because I knew the harm would be mine. I knew the harm would harm my children. I wanted to move beyond it. Forgive. I made an active choice to be happy.
Since Gentleman Jack has been in my life, I began to realize that much of my "choosing to be happy" was actually my denying when I was unhappy. He has been a great teacher to me by being so very honest about himself and so very intuitive about me. He challenges me, sometimes uncomfortably, to recognize what I actually DO want out of life.
Since we've been together, I've realized that I wanted to move beyond merely existing.
I don't want to just "go to work"... I want to LOVE WHAT I DO.
I don't want to just raise my children well. I want to OFFER THEM A FAMILY BEYOND BLOOD.
I don't want to just surround myself with lots of people that I feel continued pressure to please or take care of, while I seethe in silent resentment. I want to be RESPECTED, INSPIRED and UPLIFTED, while offering the same. I want to feel a sense of safety and trust with those I allow into my life. I wasn't feeling that security before and shut myself off from others when I was down.
Not all of these revelations are because of my man, however I am definitely more open and less frightened of the challenges than I was before.
Because of the tough love that has helped me to grow so much, I've felt no choice but to offer the same to those in my life. Not everyone appreciates tough love, I've learned. And I've begun to realize that I'm letting too much of what other people (even GJ) do control my fears, triggers, worries and peace. Tough love or not, I'm still allowing the actions of others to dictate my emotions.
That was when I began to recognize my own codependency. That's when I began reading Codependent No More. In that book, she writes about recognizing my own codependent traits and what sort of process it takes to move past it.
The process... involves anger.
Anger, at this point, is still occasionally resentment. Sometimes I wonder if it was even repressed anger that I kept hidden for so long. Even more often, my anger is directed at my own toxic reactions. I can own the reactions now, which is progress in itself, but I look forward to the day when I can remind myself that I am no longer affected by the past triggers or present actions of other people. I look forward to feeling a sense of safety in the now instead of fears from my past or attempts at anxious control of situations or people.
I will be writing more about this tomorrow. I hope you'll chime in.
This is part 1 in a series exploring the emotion of Anger. Here's part 2, part 3, part 4, and part 5.