It's more like the kind of anger that you notice when it seems like everyone else's lives are so perfect and beautiful.
Or the sort of anger you feel when someone is making choices that you'd prefer they didn't. Or someone is acting passive-aggressively instead of being friggin' honest with themselves.
Or the kind of anger you feel when your circumstances appear to suck no matter how hard you're trying to change them.
Then there's the kind of anger that comes from sheer exhaustion from being completely burnt out.
And even the kind of anger I know that *I* feel when recognize I am so damn angry!
I know that there is a plan of how things are supposed to work out. I know that everything happens for a reason and in its own time. I know that I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be. I know what I'm recognizing are all of the places I've yet to heal. I know that I'm learning my habitual patterns of over-doing/over-worrying/over-controlling for others. I know that I'm taking action to change the things I can, accept the things I can't and the wisdom to know the difference. Blah blah blah I KNOW!
I just get so mad so easily now! Complete with foot stomping and pouting and screaming, "It's not fair!!!!" and a serious case of the if only's.....
Ya know, I guess I actually have felt this before. I do recall feeling this way, post divorce. I remember confessing to a friend that I was jealous of the fact that she was still married to a man who took care of her and took her on lavish vacations. What is that like??
Then I begin to beat myself up for whatever decisions I've made to get me where I am now. How did I let so much happen for so long? Yes, you heard me correctly. MORE anger. At myself.
I can actually name others too, that I think really bad thoughts about. Really REALLY bad thoughts.
I've never thought bad thoughts about people, y'all! That is not me!
But apparently it is.
So then I get mad at me for thinking bad thoughts about others.
All of this rage and bad thoughts and ugly feelings are something I guess I have to allow and sit with. I don't like it, not one bit, but getting more angry at it doesn't make it go anywhere. I am extremely uncomfortable in this but I know allowing it will help it to dissipate.
In the Codependent No More book, the author makes some suggestions to a people-pleasing, self-sacrificing, pretending to be happy and good all the time, martyr like me who is experiencing this sort of (relatively new) anger:
- Give yourself (and others) permission to feel it
- Feel it... without judgment
- Notice the thoughts that accompany the feeling
- Look closely at the thoughts. Are they true?
- What decisions can be made from the thoughts?
- Don't give the anger (or fear) all of your energy
- Burn off the anger energy
- Write it out
- Let go of the guilt
She also advises that because this anger is new (and to me it is big, ugly and scary), don't worry. Eventually I will settle down. Exercise would help. Writing it does. Awareness helps.
I miss my triathlon training. I would like a job that inspires me. I don't want to feel guilty anymore for writing this out in the blog... even when I'm afraid that the comments area will be crickets chirping and I'll read that as "T's gone crazy. I'm not touching that with a 10-foot pole." I'm working on releasing judgment.
I'm harshly judging myself for this because it's NEW to me. I don't want to be mad. A few weeks ago on this post, BLW suggested that I learn to stop striving for peace and allow myself to just be. Gentleman Jack has said the same thing.
But I'm forty-something years into a mask that felt really comfortable to wear. The mask didn't stir up anything, everyone was happy, people liked me... However I wasn't happy and that's obvious to me now. Taking off this mask to expose all of that feels so painful, ugly and difficult. I know peace is allowing what is. I KNOW all sorts of things.
Right now, however, I know I'm pissed. Just pissed in general. Unfortunately, the only way through this hell is to keep walking.
Life is good. I am grateful for the good. I can laugh and smile and enjoy my days... but underneath it all, I'm still learning to love me, however I'm feeling... deep down, underneath it all.
Continuing this conversation tomorrow. Thank you for your VERY enlightening comments!
This is part 2 in a series exploring the emotion of Anger. Here's part 1, part 3, part 4, and part 5.