It's Christmas afternoon and it's snowing outside. What a gorgeous sight.
My house is quiet. Not a soul here except me and the pup. She's enjoying the new toys that Santa brought her.
Gentleman Jack and the boys left in a hurry earlier, as did several other house guests who were here for brunch. The ex came over and picked up my girls around the same time. The house quickly went from frenzied, jolly Christmas excitement to nothing but the sound of the crackling fire in my fireplace. We were all afraid the streets would ice over and no one would be able to drive safely. That's common in this area every year around this time.
It also stings to know that my ex's family is celebrating with him, our girls and his new wife. All of those people who loved me and said they miss me. They're all in town - a HUGE family - but I've not heard from any of them. Not a peep. It just doesn't seem right to be forgotten so easily.
I'm cleaning, sad and lonely. Christmas shouldn't end so quickly. I shouldn't have to be alone when I have two children and a man in my life.
But this is the life of a divorced, single mom with joint custody and a love affair with a man who lives 200 miles away.
I've wanted to write these past few weeks but have not had a single moment to myself. I guess I can use this quiet now. Now I can catch up.
My life has been busy. Work has been insane. Holiday parties and gatherings and so many things to prepare. I've done better at staying in touch with Gentleman Jack after he made note of my unavailability - even emotionally - since I began my new job in June. Then there was the ugliness of our last day together after Thanksgiving.
I've done what I can to reach out and let him know I'm thinking of him or that I love him. I'm still unsuccessful at knowing what's going on in his life lately. We spent another 4 weeks apart between Thanksgiving and Christmas so we could save money to spend this past weekend AND next weekend together. A Christmas with all 4 children. Our blended family Christmas. Plus my birthday and New Years too. We waited so long to have these days together.
It was another 4 weeks of me being too exhausted to talk too long at night, too busy during the day, and too brain-dead to recall what's going on in his life. In those 4 weeks, I've detected irritation at my disconnect with him. I'm trying.
But one quick snap during this weekend and we were back in my bedroom crying it out again.
He's scared about "us". He's not sure anymore. He says he misses me... we can't do 4 weeks apart anymore. We both agree. I try to tell him that I'm doing the best that I can. That I'm so tired, I'm putting in the hard work now so that I can be more independent in a job later. Logically, he understands and is supportive. Emotionally, he feels sad, worried, lonely. He's lost faith.
I cry and feel beaten down. I'm trying to do both but I'm getting lost in there too. I've not had a moment for fitness, barely any yoga, unable to cook, too much fast food, not enough planning, not enough money to plan. I'm broken, kicking my own ass to make sure everyone else has a piece of me but I don't. I'm getting left out.
We love each other and go on with our weekend. Things are good. We laugh a lot. The kids have a blast. We're loving, affectionate and enjoying each other like things are normal.
But then I awake at 5 a.m. in a panic. This is it, isn't it? We're not going to make it through 2013.
We're not going to make it.
I tell him I had a bad dream and that I'm afraid of losing him. "I'm not going anywhere, punkin." He reassures me and pulls me closer before dozing off again.
But I'm scared. Maybe we won't make it. Maybe this is it.
I don't know.
I really really don't know.