I'm so ready to get back to some sort of normal routine. Even my trips to see Gentleman Jack haven't been normal. We went from 4 -5 weeks without seeing each other to 2 weeks together practically every day. It feels like an emotional roller coaster because I'm so sad, exhausted or feeling forced indifference when we're not together and then so happy and relaxed when we are.
I'd like to say that this will be a coherent post but I doubt it will be. I've started so many posts during the past 2 weeks that I've not finished. So many thoughts. So many feelings. I know I left you all hanging on Christmas day...
Here's one I typed on January 2:
After yet another not-so-positive encounter with the ex’s new wife – I swear that woman despises me – I left their house begging and praying for another way to look at things. I do realize that as long as I allow her actions, stare-downs, snide comments, and so forth to bother me, then I’m handing over my power to her. There has to be another way of dealing with it.
A friend mentioned that perhaps she’s like Tardar Sauce, the cat. She only looks grumpy. Ok, that’s a start.
Then this morning, I woke up to a note about Humor and Openness from Pema Chodron:
"Learning how to be kind to ourselves is important. When we look into our own hearts and begin to discover what is confused and what is brilliant, what is bitter and what is sweet, it isn’t just ourselves that we’re discovering. We’re discovering the universe. When we discover the buddha that we are, we realize that everything and everyone is Buddha. We discover that everything is awake, and everyone is awake. Everything and everyone is precious and whole and good. When we regard thoughts and emotions with humor and openness, that’s how we perceive the universe."
Ok, maybe I can work with that. Can I look at her actions and smile? Can I offer myself a break for taking her so seriously when there is nothing I’m doing to harm her in any way? Can I look at her and love her despite her fears, her jealousy, her spitefulness?
Yes, that's me. Still trying to find a way to accept the new wife but still struggling with thoughts of how I really feel about her. I really want to yell in her face. Yell and scream and cry the ugly cry. Then hug her until she breaks down all of the walls she's hiding behind.
That's kind of where I am with everything, right now. I'm feeling all sorts of feelings from anger and resentment, to goofy happiness, to frustration, to peaceful acceptance, to hope and faith for so much good, to fear of the worst. Of course, if you were around me in real life, all that you would see is me being me. Loving and kind and open and smiling... doing what I'm supposed to do.
But I AM very aware of the unstableness. It feels like an acute unsettling. I may be feeling lots of things but joy is missing. Something is lacking.
I'm aware of the depth of this and doing all that I normally do to nurture myself. I'm allowing myself whatever I'm feeling at the time - even if I have to cry in a quiet place, yell in the mirror, laugh with GJ over Skype or dance around the living room in completely happy silliness. I'm aware that the last time I felt this, my hormones were off pretty severely.
Of course, Gentleman Jack is picking up on all of this because he's so fucking intuitive. The man senses energy from miles away. It's so weird.... and lovely. And irritating.
He tries to assure me that perhaps something's going on with me hormonally, but then he chides himself on not taking my feelings at what they are. But then he feels more comfortable thinking there's an explanation other than, "She's not into our relationship anymore." Quite the contrary, actually, he is still so much good in my life. He frustrates the hell out of me too. I long for him and then I want to push him away. I'm tired from work, parenthood, domesticity, taking care of everything and everybody. Just tired. I long for respite. I long for the joy to come back. I long for SOMETHING.
My life is a blessing. I'm aware of all of the good. I'm accepting of where I am although it's a little frightening to feel so off. I feel as if I'm letting everyone down in some way because I'm not really all there. I'm not always able to feel joy for someone when they're feeling it. I'm not always able to feel disappointment for someone when they're feeling it. I'm disconnected, somehow.
The good news is that I can stand back and acknowledge these things instead of buying into them wholeheartedly. As Pema said above, I'm "discovering my own universe"... or at least the solar system I'm spinning in at the moment. I'm looking at it with humor and openness, as best as I can, in whatever moment I'm in.
- GJ and I are getting back to our normal routines of only 2 weeks apart again. We're Skyping once a week - because seeing his face lights up my world.
- My daughters come home tonight for the first time since Christmas Day. We'll be celebrating one of their birthdays this weekend and then back to school on Monday.
- I'm taking a retreat, alone, next month to just be in nature. To breathe. To step outside of my life.
- I'm paying attention to my thoughts and asking for a different way of thinking when they're harmful.
- I'm watching the words that I say and rewording them, at least in my mind, to be the truth that I'd like them to be.
- I'm nurturing my body with a detox after so much rich food and drink from the holidays. I'm riding my bike trainer, again, in the evenings because cycling makes me smile. I'm doing a yoga class with a friend, at least once a week.
- I'm nurturing my soul by reading every night. I'm allowing myself the absence of the computer in the evenings after being on it all day long - even though that messes with my blog reading and writing. (Sorry.)
- I'm acknowledging the random thoughts and beliefs that seem to be digging their way up to my conscious mind. I'm looking at them, asking myself if they're real or not.
- I'm taking every moment of 2013 with as much gentleness as I can muster, to heal whatever needs healing.
I know me and I know that this darkness will dissipate and reveal a beautiful new light that was always there. I have to move all of the "stuff" out of the way. That's what I'm doing.
I hope your year brings light too.