Monday, February 18, 2013
A Depressed Man
I saw this quote a few weeks ago and it struck a chord deep within me.
I feel like I see people suffering all over the place. Except for those who seem like they aren't. It's those that I'm envious of.
Somehow I'm caught in the middle of those who are suffering deeply, terribly, painfully and those who seemingly have it all figured out.
I'm still very resentful that my weekend away was sabotaged by life's reality. And part of that reality is a very depressed man in my life.
I wanted to be away, enjoying my time, without obligation. He made it all about him.
Yes, I know he felt like I "abandoned" him by being non-responsive. He felt as if he were struggling and I didn't care. In fact, I DID care but didn't feel emotionally capable of doing anything about it. I was trying to spare the peace I'd found in my retreat. I was trying to block everything out.
We finally talked last night and he is still very hurt and angry. He still feels as if it's easy for me to shut him out. I couldn't explain clearly enough for him to understand that EVERYONE AROUND ME DEPENDS ON ME... and I just needed a break. No intention to hurt him or anyone. No intention to ignore him because he hurt my feelings. No intention of spite. I just wanted to be left alone.
That scares him... that I want to be left alone. I tried to tell him that as much as I feel like I give, to everyone else, including him, I have to spare something for myself. Of course, he agrees with me and said that I could have very well asked him to offer me some distance, some peace. I did that and it broke him. Broke him down so much that he pulled down all reminders of me and very nearly threw them all into a fire pit.
He says that by the time I asked to be left alone, it was too late. He'd already been emotionally wrecked for hours. Why is it my fault that he's emotionally wrecked? I was only doing something for ME.
I'm tired. I have a funeral to attend. More driving to do. More people to hold up.
He keeps saying that he's not sure about us. I'm not sure either.
We love each other. We both know that we love each other desperately. But as long as he's reaching for me from a state of depression, and as long as every decision he makes is based on a depressed state of lack, of not being good enough, as long as he sees the road ahead as difficult and overwhelming and most likely not going to get any better, I feel like nothing I say or do is making a difference at all. I feel like what I think or do or say doesn't matter. Even though he feels like EVERYTHING I do or say matters, like it's the only good in his life at all.
It is a heavy weight to carry along with everything else. I really need him to help lighten the load. He is my best friend, my rock, my strong armed lover who adores me and tries so hard to do right by me. He wants to do better. He wants to do more. He wants it sooo much. And I can't do it for him. I can't do it. He knows that.
In looking over my blog archives, I see I wrote about his depression in late 2010. In that post, I wrote:
"He finally told me that I should always speak my mind, no matter if he agrees with me or not. He said I should always look out for myself first, no matter who doesn't agree with it."
It was the following week when he asked if we should take a break because he was so down.
I don't know what the answer is. If I'm in a relationship with a depressed person, it is going to affect me. The sad part of it is, I feel like every relationship I've been in has left me dealing with a depressed man. I don't think there are life manuals for this.
Maybe I should write one.