Saturday, February 16, 2013

A Weekend Away

I finally planned and took a weekend away, just me, joyously alone, to one of my favorite retreats. I'd asked several people if they'd like to join me, including Gentleman Jack, and no one was able to get away. Honestly, that was perfectly fine with me. I just put it out there because so many were questioning my need to escape alone.

Part of my co-dependency is feeling uneasy if the person I travel with isn't into the same things I'm into. I can say the same about concerts and movies. If I'm the only one excited about it, I'd much rather go alone. I actually have more of a blast that way. Believe it or not, I really enjoy my own company.

So I happily drove the distance listening to the radio stations I wanted to listen to. Listening to complete silence if I chose to. Talking to myself if I wanted. Taking long, slow deep breaths at the beauty of the landscapes.

Then the phone rang.

My grandfather, the last remaining paternal unit in my life, had passed away.

I felt sad but some relief knowing that he was finally joining his bride, who had passed almost 4 years ago. The difficult part was that I would have to tell my daughters. My daughters and their great-grandfather have grown close these past few years. They ADORE him and he can't get enough of them. It has been a pleasure to drive them back to Louisiana to spend time with him. They asked to spend time with him. And he always asked for them. I actually drove from GJ's house one weekend, back to Dallas to pick up the girls, and back to Louisiana - all in one day - just so they could have more time with him. This was 2 weeks ago when his health took a sudden downturn.

When we were last there, my children relished their moments with him. My oldest daughter just sat with him, her hand on his bed, with tears in her eyes. I knew they were going to be devastated when I told them he was gone.

In the meanwhile, I'm trying to enjoy my weekend alone, peaceful and full of fresh air, long walks, a few special treats (new wine, fudge, seafood dinner, hot tub on the deck). I know that I will go back to a storm of family drama. There are questions about the will and he and my grandmother's belongings. My dad's sister is the only remaining family and since my dad is gone, she has been handling things herself. My great-aunts are upset with her, they are talking about avoiding the funeral, getting lawyers....

Me? I just wanted a moment of peace, just a day, where I could meditate alongside a clear spring and be anonymous so that no one would ask anything of me.


I reached out to Gentleman Jack...

I think he wants to be there for me. He's been handling Papa's failing health and my emotions so well. But here we are, 2 weeks since we last saw each other, and I'm on a trip far away from him. It makes him nervous that I'm alone. I think it makes him nervous that I enjoy being alone. I just needed a small bit of support for me and my family and he took it the wrong way, said the wrong thing, hurt my feelings.

After speaking to him, my frustration at being a burden to anyone kicked in and I told him never mind. I'd figure something else out. I was so upset about it that I put my phone away. I don't want to talk. I don't want to discuss it. I don't want to feel like I'm putting anyone out.

That was 5 hours ago. He has completely blown my phone up with calls and texts. I've reassured him, let him know that I'm okay. I've told him that I just need to enjoy the rest of today. I need to relish in a nice evening. A MOMENT OF PEACE. He's not handling it well.

Sadly, I'm reminded of how Soldier felt so scared and lost when my focus shifted from him to burying my father. I attended my dad's funeral and lost a boyfriend in the same weekend.

I'm so frustrated. I've written about nothing but how busy my life is. How crazy I feel. How I long for stillness.  Quiet. No responsibility.

I'm still sad that I have no father, no grandfathers... and the one man I want to lean on is losing it, afraid, unable to hold some faith for me. I don't want to reach out and help him to feel the love that I still have. This is when I need him to just know it. I don't have the strength to hold anyone up today. And I don't want to. If I'm being selfish, then... I am selfish.

This is why I wrote that I feel as if I can lean on or trust or depend on no one but myself.

All I wanted was a weekend away, alone, at peace.

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