I have been reading into everything Gentleman Jack says or doesn't say/does or doesn't do since we had our falling out. Everytime he didn't say, "I love you" first, my heart would break. Then I'd just get mad. How dare he withhold love from me. I didn't do ANYTHING wrong!
In fact, I was still very angry that he took my weekend away. He made it all about him when all I wanted was some peace.
I knew he was depressed but I was also angry because his depression is due to circumstances that he put himself in. I felt like I was being punished for being kind or being angry. I couldn't win at all. I saw glimpses of the man I love at my grandfather's funeral but after I went back home, I felt like things were deteriorating. Quickly.
Even when I was with him last week, I kept hearing the following phrase in my head,
"What you feel the world is withholding from you, you are withholding from the world."
I read that somewhere years ago and it's shown up in several books that I've read since. It's no easy pill to swallow - you mean I'm to blame for this lack of love that I'm feeling?!? - but when you think about it, it creates amazing relief - you mean I have the power to change this?!
Indeed I did have the power but I kept blaming him. I couldn't get over my frustration, my irritation at being completely helpless, the fact that I was talking sense with someone who wasn't thinking clearly.
I kept looking for signs and listening for clues on how to let it go. Everything pointed me in the direction of nurturing myself (thanks y'all), but not only that. I also kept hearing that I should allow others their paths. I shouldn't act as though my path is so golden. It only works for me. That doesn't always mean it's right for someone else.
I kept blaming him for disregarding my feelings until I realized that it was actually ME who was disregarding my feelings by not sharing them with him. I kept them to myself so that I wouldn't damage things any further.
I also spent some time venting to a girlfriend. My goodness, us girls really need each other, don't we? She is the Gentleman Jack in her relationship. She helped me to understand a little better when she gave me the phrase she'd been hearing in her head:
"We only accept as much love as we think we deserve."
He didn't feel like he deserved much at all. I could finally see that.
That night, I realized I was coming down with a cold (as is my norm after an emotional trauma) so I took an antihistamine before bed. I typically don't take drugs because they affect me so easily. Sure enough, by the time GJ called me, I was completely out of it.
THAT is when I decided to share my feelings. THAT is when I pointed out how frustrated I was that he was still angry when I felt like I should be angry too.
I don't even recall what he said. I know he was even angrier because he thought I was trying to force him past his own anger. At least that's sort of what I recall.
Maybe talking to a depressed person is like talking to a drunk person. And maybe when I'm drugged up on antihistamines, I make the most sense to a depressed person.
All that I know is... after that night, something has shifted. I feel like we're back to our old selves again. He still needs to work on his stuff. And you all know I still need to work on mine. But it feels like the anger is gone.
I stopped withholding love and it feels like he did too.
Now, I want to wrap my arms around him in person again. We haven't made a plan as to when that will happen but I look forward to being with my man.
He needs to know that I'm not giving up. He may not feel like he deserves my love right now but I'm not going anywhere anytime soon.