Wednesday, May 22, 2013

Hormonal, Type-A, Single Mom = Not someone to encounter in a dark alley

I have to start this thing by making fun of how I feel because... sheesh. I have to laugh so I don't cry.

I haven't started my period yet this month - don't fret! This is normal for me since having the IUD. There are some months that I have no "monthly blessing" at all.

"Monthly blessing". That's what they call it in yoga.

And do you know what? It WOULD be a blessing because usually, when my body skips it, the PMS continues into the next month. Hormones and water weight and sore boobs and crankiness. Oy.

So I've been doing so well, taking care of myself, meditating, squeezing in workouts where I can in the craziness that is my life these days. I was doing well until mid-week last week and since then....

It's 
All
Gone
Down
Hill
....


Today, I feel like a failure. I feel behind. I feel not good enough. And, because I feel that way, because my perception is such, I can give AMPLE proof to show that those things are true.

As a mother...
...both of my daughters are coughing for no apparent reason whatsoever. Coughing to the point that my older daughter was unable to sleep. She has end of the year choir concerts and she can't. stop. coughing. The doctor says she's fine. And now her sister is coughing. Because I can't fix it, EPICFAIL.

As a girlfriend....
....Gentleman Jack politely asked my opinion on taking his very attractive and single work assistant out to a nice dinner. You see, he has a gift card to a fancy restaurant but it will expire before I'm able to come in town to go with him. So, since his assistant helps him so much with his business, he thought that it could be a very nice "thank you" for her. Now, I  know her and she knows how much we mean to each other. It's not that I'm concerned about them... I just don't like the ickies that I feel when I imagine her all dolled up with her 20-something body in some hot outfit with my sexy man at a fancy dinner. I don't like how it appears that they are a couple. I don't like that they already get lunches alone and everyone assumes they're a couple. I don't like that he points out that I go to dinners and lunches with my guy friends and he has to be okay with it.  And I especially don't like that WE never get to eat at a fancy restaurant or have lunches alone because we have 4 kids. And I don't live there. EPICFAIL.

Oh and also? I don't like the nefarious feeling that I get knowing that, unless I'm with him or he's busy pursuing a business deal or fishing tournament win, he's close to terrified of losing me. His life slows down and mine keeps on cranking. He feels forgotten. It often makes me wonder if that feeling will lead to desperation. And desperation scares me.

As a homeowner...
....I am doing my best to take care of things around the house. I feel so behind. The yard is a mess because I'm always indoors working on other things. There are lightbulbs out everywhere. The carpet feels gross but I don't have a working vacuum. I'm trying to pay off debt. I'm cancelling things for the summer because of the cost of two kids in summer camp. I hate that I feel guilty for doing anything at all for myself when the kids need new shoes, new bathing suits, new summer clothes. I'm so rarely at my house because my work keeps me away for 10 - 11 hours a day with the commute and work hours. I need to clean but when I have time, I just don't feel like it. It feels like yet another something vying for my attention. I would rather go to bed and sleep. EPICFAIL.

As an employee...
...I feel like I should know so much more. I feel like I could be doing so much more. I feel like I can't concentrate. I feel like people doubt my abilities. I feel like people wonder if I'm earning my pay. I feel guilty for putting my kids first. I hate that I have no time off to spend with my kids or my man. I'm so tired from the drive that it takes me a while to get focused there. Some days, I wonder if I'm cut out for this job at all even though I thought it was my dream job. EPICFAIL.

As a friend...
...Sometimes, I don't want to be around anyone at all. Sometimes, I curse at my phone when there are texts or emails from friends wanting to know if I can get together or they need me. The irony is, I always feel better to spend time with friends. ALWAYS. I am just so spread thin, so pulled in one million directions, that I feel like I need more ME time to balance me out. I keep forgetting that time with friends is also ME time. I guess I just feel the need for quiet friend time, ya know. I get tired of talking. Tired of listening. Tired of thinking. Tired of feeling bad when friends don't reach out because they think I'm too busy. EPICFAIL.

As a person...
...I am kicking my own ass. I've gained weight since starting the new job last summer. I feel like I'm maintaining a good diet still. I really think it's my own sadness in my skin that is keeping on the extra pounds. I'm also unable to devote hardly any time at all to cycling or yoga or swimming and I miss ALL of that. I miss how yoga helps me to stay put, present moment, complete acceptance. I feel bad that my A Course in Miracles study group feels like yet another burden - but again ALWAYS feels so great when I'm in it. I feel tired all the time. I want to go to bed early, put the pillow over my head, and sleep until noon the next day. I want to be lazy. I want to dumb down. I hate myself for not thinking of everything and then I resent others for expecting me to. I feel like everyone imagines I've got it all covered, that I can carry this load. When, in fact, I want to crumble beneath the weight of it. And I think I am. EPICFAIL.

I could go on and on about how I'm failing in my life because I expect so much more out of myself. I feel like I SHOULD be able to do this. I feel like I'm making too many excuses. I feel like if I could just have one day where everyone would leave me the fuck alone - and by everyone I mean kids, ex, GJ, bills, laundry, dishes, the yard, work, my body, the negative crap I tell myself - then I would feel better.

I haven't had a moment to blog and when I do, I vent this shit to y'all. 

EPICFAIL.

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