Tuesday, July 23, 2013

A Reprieve

It's a CYST! A harmless, benign CYST!

Not cancer. Nothing harmful at all. I'm ALIVE! I'm ALIVE!

But WHAT a surreal experience to consider the opposite....

I hated imagining the worst but of course, I had to consider it. I had to prepare for that sad look in my doctor's eyes. Would I be able to handle it?

I imagined that I would. I imagined that I would tremble and be scared and not have my mind straight to ask all the right questions.

I imagined that I'd be given lots of information. I imagined that I'd contact my homeopath, my chiropractor, my natural doctor. I imagined all of the herbs I gave my last dog when she was dying of cancer. I imagined losing my hair, losing my breasts. I imagined being tired, sick to my stomach, depressed.

All of that I felt like I could handle. It would SUCK but I could handle it.

What I couldn't imagine, however, was explaining to my daughters that I had cancer.

I didn't want to think of them being scared and never wanting to leave my side. I didn't want to think of them becoming little grown ups already, wanting to help or fix things for me. I didn't want to imagine taking their childhood away from them.

And I especially didn't want to think of leaving them without a mother.

The strange thing is that I didn't have any control over what was going to happen. As much as I feel like, as their mom, I have control over what they eat and wear, who their friends are, where they go to school... that is nothing! I'd already given up some of that control when I divorced their father and he remarried someone else.

It was a very strange place to be... to look around me and realize how little control I have over life or death. It was both frightening and somewhat liberating at the same time.

I had to know that all would be okay, whether it looked like I wanted it to or not. I had to rest in that tiny snippet of peace because my thoughts were swirling round and round. My fellow overthinkers would understand.

I had to trust and trust HARD in spite of my fear. I was borderline freaking out and then would have these moments of complete calm.

This whole thing wasn't easy, by any means, but I feel grateful that it's over. Grateful for your thoughts and prayers. Grateful that it turned out okay. And grateful that, even if it hadn't, I'd still be okay....and so would my girls.

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