Tuesday, March 26, 2013

When I love life, Life loves me back.

I've really enjoyed getting back to my A Course in Miracles study. It's really nice to host an online group study from the comfort of my home office.

I'm also learning why I turned away from the path before. It's hard. It's easier to stay ignorant, lazy and resentful.

Except, it isn't.

Argh.

Just like eating the right foods or getting in some exercise at the end of a very long, exhausting day, it's hard... but the alternative definitely doesn't make life easier. I'm starting to believe that laziness is an addiction. Making choices not based in self-love... is an addiction. Allowing things to get to me... is an addiction. It's habitual and difficult to stop. So that's where I am. Trying to stop.

Rather trying to START AGAIN.

This entire year has been me trying to start the damn engine but I think I'm missing a few parts or need some parts replaced. The engine won't crank. I'm not giving up though. I have too many moments that take my breath away. Too many things that I'm recognizing with the help of a changed attitude.

It's really simple (a choice) but not easy.

So anyway....

Here are a few things I've seen lately that are inspiring me or spoke to me in some way. Maybe they'll inspire you too.

Looking inside is frightening for us all.
The Matrix was authored by students of A Course in Miracles.

Direct quote from the Course.

Karen Salmonsohn's Posters are always inspiring.


To be present and aware...

Allow.

Thanks to Gabby Bernstein's Spirit Junkie app.



Wednesday, March 13, 2013

Taking Refuge: Living beyond Longing


Last night I attended a refuge ceremony for a friend who was taking her Tibetan Buddhist vows. It was a very emotional ceremony for me, as her friend. I've known her for several years and have watched her struggle with depression, faith and overall groundlessness.

As a matter of fact, that has been the gist of our discussions the past 4 years.

Groundlessness.

It is difficult to live in a world where all things, beings and feelings are temporary. The good is temporary... and that has been our biggest struggle. Waiting for the other shoe to drop. Or not trusting the good nature of those that seem to be anything but authentic.

The bad is temporary too. So our discussions have also been around reminding each other that "this too shall pass."

There have also been discussions about our judgements of things as "good" or "bad". What do we know, after all? What seems "bad" now may be the best thing that has happened to us. We only know our present state and our past experience. Sadly, our past experience projects fear on to our present state, leaving us cloudy, at best.

Like I said. Groundless.

To watch her take vows accepting her groundlessness... was breathtaking. To listen as she has decided to:

  • Accept her current situation and be gentle with herself in mind, body and spirit
  • Accept others as they are and be gentle with them (non-blaming)
  • Stop looking for answers in the temporary but instead allow it to be simply that
  • Take refuge in a daily practice and teachings of an enlightened being
  • Confirm that the only real "ground" is acceptance of the present Now 

As I watched her and felt the energy of pure joy in the room, I started to think about my own "refuge". February was a very difficult month for me. I've lived in a state of overwhelmed since starting my job last summer. I've not been gentle with myself, except for here and there. I've pushed myself to be better, to expect more, to go further.... all the while, forgetting to nurture, to be patient, to accept and allow.

Any sort of change is like an identity shift. I longed for things to be different and then they were. Now I long to find comfort in this different life. The irony is that I'm not finding comfort in the moment. I'm ever looking forward, longing, or looking back, wishing.

My refuge was nurturing myself and I've not done that as a daily practice. I get started and then I fall off.  One of the ways that I felt most nurtured was studying and teaching A Course in Miracles for 3 years. I'm considering starting an online weekly Google Hangout study group. Possibly on Thursday evenings. If you're interested in studying with me, send me an email.

I feel as if I am on the edge of something very powerful and last night's ceremony made me very aware of my resistance. I am disconnected. I have been taking refuge in fear, anger, desire and want. Thank you for being patient with me as I start again to turn things around.

Join me?



Sunday, March 3, 2013

Alone

Ahhhh.... it's my first weekend alone since my unfortunately interrupted weekend away. Maybe it sounds like I held a grudge for so long about that weekend not being what I expected. And you'd be correct. I cherish my alone time just. that. much.

This weekend has been a weekend of LAY-ZEE.

Both yesterday and today, I've stayed in my bed until almost 10 am. I enjoyed a little *ahem* self-lovin'... because I could! No kids around. No place to be. I meditated. Meditated AND masturbated. Both good for me!


I got in some time on my bike. I did some yoga. I went to the sauna. I treated myself to a movie at a theater AND a movie on my couch. I had lunch with my bestie, TNT. I took really REALLY long hot showers. Because I could.

For the rest of the day, my plan is to spend some time at the park with another friend and take the dog on a healthy 3 mile walk/run. (It's 70 degrees today. Why the hell not?!) Then I get to spend the evening with my girls.

I feel like I'm so available to everyone else all the time that I am extremely stingy about my time to myself. And yeah, maybe the things that I've done this weekend don't sound like much of anything.  To me, though, they're everything. Time to recenter. Time to connect. Time to refocus.

Crucial.

I hope that your weekend is just as spectacular.