Last night I attended a
refuge ceremony for a friend who was taking her Tibetan Buddhist vows. It was a very emotional ceremony for me, as her friend. I've known her for several years and have watched her struggle with depression, faith and overall groundlessness.
As a matter of fact, that has been the gist of our discussions the past 4 years.
Groundlessness.
It is difficult to live in a world where all things, beings and feelings are temporary. The good is temporary... and that has been our biggest struggle. Waiting for the other shoe to drop. Or not trusting the good nature of those that seem to be anything but authentic.
The bad is temporary too. So our discussions have also been around reminding each other that "this too shall pass."
There have also been discussions about our judgements of things as "good" or "bad". What do we know, after all? What seems "bad" now may be the best thing that has happened to us. We only know our present state and our past experience. Sadly, our past experience projects fear on to our present state, leaving us cloudy, at best.
Like I said. Groundless.
To watch her take vows accepting her groundlessness... was breathtaking. To listen as she has decided to:
- Accept her current situation and be gentle with herself in mind, body and spirit
- Accept others as they are and be gentle with them (non-blaming)
- Stop looking for answers in the temporary but instead allow it to be simply that
- Take refuge in a daily practice and teachings of an enlightened being
- Confirm that the only real "ground" is acceptance of the present Now
As I watched her and felt the energy of pure joy in the room, I started to think about my own "refuge". February was a very difficult month for me. I've lived in a state of
overwhelmed since starting my job last summer. I've not been gentle with myself, except for here and there. I've pushed myself to be better, to expect more, to go further.... all the while, forgetting to nurture, to be patient, to accept and allow.
Any sort of change is like an identity shift. I longed for things to be different and then they were. Now I long to find comfort in this different life. The irony is that I'm not finding comfort in the moment. I'm ever looking forward, longing, or looking back, wishing.
My refuge was nurturing myself and I've not done that as a daily practice. I get started and then I fall off. One of the ways that I felt most nurtured was studying and teaching A Course in Miracles for 3 years. I'm considering starting an online weekly
Google Hangout study group. Possibly on Thursday evenings. If you're interested in studying with me,
send me an email.
I feel as if I am on the edge of something very powerful and last night's ceremony made me very aware of my resistance. I am disconnected. I have been taking refuge in fear, anger, desire and want. Thank you for being patient with me as I start again to turn things around.
Join me?
